The God of Tall Things

Wedding Invitation generator

2010-11-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Bride:
Groom:
Style:

EEE Story

2010-09-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Barnabus 'Barny' Roy's world came crashing down at precisely 9:03 AM on a warm Saturday morning.

Barny was in good spirits that morning. It was an altogether pleasant morning in Herfordshire, the late spring Sun shining lazily down the main thoroughfare, a light breeze bringing in the sweet smell of daffodils from the fields. As was his routine, Barny tipped his hat to old Mr Weatherby, kept a crown on the counter, and took a copy of The Times. At precisely 9:03 AM, he looked at the newspaper.

The headlines screamed "HMS MANDRAKE LOST AT SEA!".

Barny couldn't believe his eyes. HMS Mandrake, a ship bringing exotic goods from the Orient, had been his ticket to a comfortable retirement. Urged by his friends, Barny had invested all his life savings on that ship. Now that dream was shattered, leaving Barny penniless and on the brink of bankruptcy.

Barny was dejected as he walked back home. His wife looked up as he came into the kitchen, her eyes picking up the despondency seen clearly on his face. With faltering words punctuated with sobs, Barny told her how he had lost all their savings.

After he finished, his wife stood up, went to her cupboard, took a box out and handed it to her husband. Puzzled, Barny opened the box ... and it was full of money! "Where did you get this?", he asked, to which she replied "Every day for twenty years, I stole 1 pound from your purse, no more, no less. I knew that it would come in handy some day. Now I'm giving it back to you". Barny was stumped, but when he realized that his wife's petty theft had saved him from bankruptcy, he embraced her with joy.

Moral of the story: B B Roy Of Great Britain had a Very Good Wife.

MIT vs MIT

2010-08-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.

Note: The RV-vs-PES story is similar, but without dinosaurs.

Science Fiction Story

2010-06-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

2041 AD.

Tarek sighed as he gazed across the harsh terrain that was once California.

It was seventeen years since the end of the Great War. Seventeen years without the warmth and light of the sun had stripped the land bare of all vegetation. Even if there was light, nothing would grow in this soil polluted by the ashes of a thousand atomic bombs. Humanity was all but extinct, with a few thousand scattered around the globe. But without food, without knowledge, the end of the human race was inevitable.

Mankind's only hope was The Book.

The Book, prophecy told, contained all the knowledge of mankind. With it, mankind could start rebuilding what the War had torn apart. It would lead mankind once again to great heights of civilization.

Tarek was the leader of a small band of wanderers who had been searching for The Book. After months of hard marching, tempers were now at a tipping point in the group. Rations were also running low. Tarek knew that they had to find The Book soon.

As Tarek trudged along, he began to ask himself: How can one book contain all the knowledge of mankind? Maybe there never was such a book. Maybe they were on a wild goose chase.

"TAREK!". Ebonil's shout broke Tarek out of his revere. "Take a look at this!". Excitement bubbled in Tarek as Ebonil pointed towards a mark on the rock. "Isn't this the one mentioned in the prophecy?". Ebonil was right! It was. "There should be an entrance to a cave nearby". "There it is!".

Tarek rushed into the cave. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, a sense of destiny washed over him. In front of him lay the salvation of all mankind. He started to vaguely make out ... a pedestal, on which there was a black slab. The Book.

As he took it in his hands, Tarek realized: The Book was not a book: It was magic. At his touch, The Book began to glow, a glow not seen on Earth for seventeen years. Tarek was overcome with wonder. He began to explore the hidden magic of The Book.

Tarek studied The Book for many hours. It began to dawn on him that it held no knowledge. The prophecy was a lie. There was no wisdom in The Book, it was merely a curiosity. Disappointment washed over him as the hopes and dreams of the human race crumbled before him.

Tarek closed his eyes. He wept.

2011 AD.

Steve Jobs bans the Wikipedia app from the iPad.

What really happened.

2010-06-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

A Linux programmer, a Windows programmer and an Apple programmer walked into a bar. They were having a heated discussion about which operating system is the best.

"Look, we'll never settle it this way", said the Apple programmer after many arguments, "I have an idea. Look at that girl over there". He pointed towards a smoking hot girl sitting alone at the bar. "Whoever impresses that girl with their ~~Pen~~ Computer will win the argument." They all agreed.

The Linux programmer went first: "Greetings, Female". "Hi", the girl responded. "You know, I just wrote this wicked Emacs macro in lisp to grawp mercurial and auto sync -". The girl tossed her drink at his face "Go away, you creep!". The Linux programmer went away dejectedly.

The Windows programmer was next: "Hi", he goes. "Hi", she replied. "Hey, check out this new game, you'll love it". He showed her a flash game with cute bunnies. "OMG! that's so cute". But just when she was about to give him her number: "Windows has performed an illegal operation and will shut down". "Whatever, loser". The Windows programmer also went away, head bowed in shame.

The Apple programmer kept his phone down on the table and straightened his collar. He went to the girl. "Hey baby, what do you think of this?". He shows her his MacBook Air. "Ooh! That's so cool. I wish I had one". She smiled coyly as she slipped a napkin into his hand "Call Me".

As he left the bar, he made sure that the Linux and Windows programmers saw his gloating face. He danced all the way to his home. He took out his key to unlock the door ....

That was when Gray Powell realized with horror that he had left his million-dollar iPhone prototype at the bar.

Three-by-Three : Bollywood Cliches

2010-05-23T02:21:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.

Each row/column/diagonal depicts a cliche oft seen in Bollywood movies. Move your mouse over the row/column/diagonal captions to see the text.

Sweet heart	Judwaa	Police	Balatkar	Love Triangle
B h a i				B h a i
L o v e				L o v e
J a n a m				J a n a m
	Judwaa	Police	Balatkar

Greatest Hits: Volume II

2010-04-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

A lot of people are visiting this blog right now (thanks to xkpj), so I'm going to shamelessly advertise my older blog posts. This is mainly to help people who don't want to crawl through all the crappy posts to find the few funny ones.

Slapstick/Parody/Silly

How to escape an Indian wedding: A simple and practical guide for grooms.
Ball Biting Incident a viral ad campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan: So when you see Afridi smile, you'll know why.
Guess the plot: B-grade horror movie edition: Where I look at B-grade movie posters and make up stories.
Fair and Na'vi: In the future, grooms will ask for blue-colored brides.
Dowry Function: If dowry is a crime, I am a C^∞-smooth criminal.
Poem to make a mother cry : Someone asked for a poem to make a mother cry on Yahoo! Answers, and I promptly obliged. Warning: Highly Unpatriotic!

Kannada/Bengaluru

Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation : nim huDga keTT hodre, idannu upayogisi.
War on Basaveshwarnagar : The epic battle between Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar to control daasarahaLLi.
Women in contemporary kannada slang : What are guys saying about girls.

Geeky

Caste operators: Even in C++, there are class distinctions.
Interactive Story: What will happen if the fate of the entire world rested on a programmer?

Tales with a twist: These are stories which have a surprise ending.

Fairy Tale: In more ways than one.
Infidelity: Marriages are made in heaven, but end in the kitchen.
Moral Science Story: A tale of two brothers.
Grad Side Story : A PhD can change a man's life.
Moral Science Story 2: What if you had the power to give life?

xkpj

2010-04-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.

Interactive story

2010-03-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

Scene opens with a long shot. Location: Top secret Nuclear Missile Command. People are milling around. Suddenly the door opens and a harried looking man rushes inside. He is the NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER. He is on the verge of panic.

NSA: Who's the lead programmer here? Where is he?

An intern points towards a lonely guy sitting in a cubicle on the far end. The guy JOE is fat, almost bald. He's wearing a faded t-shirt and drinking coffee from a paper cup. The NSA runs over to the cubicle.

NSA: Quick! We have no time to lose. We have to override the launch command!

JOE: Hey! calm down, man! What happened?

NSA: A janitor accidentally pressed the deploy button on our ICBM control! The missiles are pointed directly towards us! If you don't override the launch we'll all die! HURRY!

JOE is a programmer.

JOE: Sure! It'll be done in a second.

JOE opens up vim and types a few lines. He saves the file.

JOE: Done!

NSA: (looking relieved) Thank goodness.

JOE: I'll just compile and execute this thing and we're done.

JOE types the command to compile. The screen is filled with error messages.


__gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >& __gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >::operator=(const __gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >&)

JOE: What the (insert beep here).

JOE feverishly pores over pages of errors. NSA is sweating profusely

JOE: Ah! found the error.

JOE recompiles, this time no errors

NSA: Just in time! I can see the missiles! Run the program NOW!

JOE runs the program .... and gets 'Segmentation Fault'.

NSA: Aaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

Unicode variable names in Java

2010-03-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Total I learned that you can have Unicode characters in your class/variable names.

public class Lang
{
 public static final int प्रियानंद  = 42;
 public static final int ಪ್ರಿಯಾನನ್ದ = 33;

 public static int ನನ್ನ(int x)
 {
  return x + 1;
 }
 public static int ಹೆಸರು(int x)
 {
  return x - 1;
 }
 public static void main(String [] args)
 {
  ನನ್ನ(ಹೆಸರು(ಪ್ರಿಯಾನನ್ದ));
 }
}

Note: You might have to specify -encoding Unicode when compiling.

Introducing Fair and Na'vi

2010-02-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

Are you dissatisfied with your pale brown skin? Have you secretly fantasized about having pointy ears and a long tail? Then look no further. Hindustan Lever Limited in association with James Cameron is pleased to announce its latest beauty product: Fair And Na'vi.

Fair and Na'vi is specially prepared from extracts of Aloe Vera and Pandorum Unobtainium to give you that sleek blue look. Its fast acting formula enriches your skin to leave it smooth and shiny. Within four weeks you will see a visible improvement in your appearance or you'll get your money back.

That's not all! If you order a 12 pack before March 31, 2010, you'll be eligible for a chance to visit Pandora itself. Hurry! Offer valid till stocks last.

You may be wondering what to do with all the Fair And Lovely cream that you already have. Why would you want to be white when you can be blue! Fortunately you can use Fair and Lovely for many other things!

Five unexpected uses for Fair and Lovely

1. Converting black money to white money.
Just rub your illegal bribes/dowries/ill gotten jewelry with Fair and Lovely and within six weeks it'll be completely legal!

2. In Chess.
You're playing white and losing? No fear! Just rub the opponent's pieces with Fair and Lovely, and presto! the piece is now yours.

3. Changing Test match to Twenty20 match.
Forced to play test cricket because you only have a red ball? Just use some Fair and Lovely, and the ball will turn white in no time.

4. Changing Rap music into Country music.
Has you son started saying words like f*** and m**********r? Rap music is to blame! But don't worry, just rub the CD with Fair and Lovely, you'll have him listening to John Mayer in no time.

5. Changing Horror movie into Romantic Drama.
Boyfriend got a horror movie to watch? Just use Fair and Lovely and the movie will turn into a sentimental romantic movie.

Credits: The na'vi-fication of Aish was done with the help of this.

My name is Rrrawwr

2010-02-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

Thunderous applause greeted President Barack Hussien Obama as he stood up and approached the mike. A huge crowd had gathered to hear the charismatic leader address the nation. "Good Evening, citizens of the United States of America, and welcome - aaah!".

Everyone craned their necks to see what had startled the President. There was a tiger on the stage! A real, live asian tiger in Washington DC!

Now, if it had been a big ferocious tiger, the president's gaurds would have shot it immediately. But it was a tiny little cub! With its large, playful eyes and its tongue hanging out of its mouth, the tiger cub frolicked happily around the stage. "Awww, he's cho cute", remarked First Lady Michelle Obama, an opinion which many in the audience shared. Even the president forgot the serious talk he was supposed to give and started playing with the cub.

Staring into the president's eyes, the cub mewed in a surprisingly human way. "Did you hear that? What is he saying?", the president asked. The cub made the strange noise again. Everyone was silent. The consulate general of India spoke up, "S-Sir ...I think it's speaking Tamil, an Indian language". "Well, what is it saying?", the president asked. The consulate general translated:

"I am a Tamil Tiger and I am not a terrorist.".

Moral Science Story 2

2010-02-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in ancient India, there lived a great rishi(sage) called Shulyaka. In order to please Shiva, Shulyaka undertook a deep penance. For 27 years, the great sage never wavered from his mediation. At last, Lord Shiva appeared in front of him. "Shulyaka, your penance has pleased me. I will grant you a boon unlike any other: When you are about to die, you can choose to bring one dead soul to life. tathaastu".

Many years passed, and the sage grew old. By this time, Shulyaka's fame had grown, and many had heard of his boon. People thronged his ashrama in order to try and get their loved ones back. After much deliberation, the other sages chose two people to present their case to the sage.

The first was a young lady. "Kind sage, I had been married only for a day when my husband died of an accident. I am now a widow, a fate worse than death. Please, bring my husband back".

The second was a small boy. "Greetings to you, sir. I have no father. My mother was very sick, yet she took care of me. Yesterday she succumbed to her illness, leaving me an orphan. Show me some kindness and bring her back".

As the sage was pondering, there was a commotion outside. A man burst into the kuTeera, holding a lifeless form in his hand. He cried, "I beseech you, great sage. Please have mercy on me. My daughter was playing in the river when this rabid dog bit her". Behind him a servant entered, carrying a dead dog. "Before we could reach and kill the dog, it had bitten my daughter. She is my only loved one in this world. Please save her", he implored.

The sage thought for a moment, and then announced "It is time for me to die", and fell dead. The young woman, the boy and the father all stared at each other, trying to guess who was chosen.

Lord Shiva summoned Shulyaka's aatma to kailaasa. "Who among the three did you choose: the husband, the mother or the child?", he asked. "O Omnipotent Shiva, I didn't bring any of them to life.", he answered, "By not choosing any of them I have saved all of them. The boy needs parents, the man needs a child and the lady needs a husband. Their tragedies have brought them together. If I had chosen one of them, the others would have been unhappy". "Very well", the Lord said, "so you wasted my boon". "No sire, I used it on the most deserving being. It is in the nature of the dog to bite; it cannot distinguish good from bad, innocent from evil. The villagers killed the dog for no fault of its own. Therefore I chose to bring the dog back to life".

"You fool," the Lord said, "after you brought it to life, the dog bit the man, the lady and the boy. They all died".

Moral of the story: Dogs bite.

(Thanks to RajeshV for the dog idea. He's written a sequel)

Ball Biting incident a viral ad campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan

2010-02-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

In a press conference sponsored by Dabur India Pvt Lmtd., Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi made the stunning revelation that the infamous ball biting incident was actually a viral campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Laal Dant Manjan is India's leading red-color-tooth-powder brand.

Speaking to the press, Dabur spokesman Mr Chaban Prash announced that the ball biting incident was only the first part of the cricket-themed marketing campaign. "We're negotiating with cricket commentator Madan Laal to get him to change his name to Madan Laal Dant Manjan".

Mr Prash also mentioned that Afridi will be replacing Mike Tyson as the Brand Ambassador for Laal Dant Manjan. "We're disappointed with Mr Tyson. He hasn't bitten anything in many years. Afridi on the other hand is an role model to kids. If he bites a cricket ball, millions of kids will start gnawing at random things".

Over the years many illustrious celebrities have endorsed Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Here is a list of previous brand ambassadors.

During the freedon struggle, this ferocious "Dabur-man" bit 1754 British Army Officers before being brutally murdered. Inspired by its bravery, Manjan Laal Dabur made it the official mascot of the red colored tooth powder he invented. This is also the reason Laal Dant Manjan is banned in England even today.

With his hectic blood-drinking schedule, Count Dracula needs his fangs to be in great shape. What better powder than the Laal Manjan to keep his teeth sharp and ready? But since the demise of Dracula, Dabur has had a falling out with vampires; younger vampires like Twilight's Edward prefer Colgate.

Mike Tyson was more than an amazing boxer; he was also an exceptionally good biter. His moment of glory came when he bit off his opponent's ear in a boxing match. Subsequent scandals, rape convictions and prison stay has done nothing to diminish that one great moment when Evander Holyfield lay writhing on the ground, blood gushing from where his ear used to be.

A True Brahmin

2010-01-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

Radhesh Venkatesan (not at all related to this fellow) was a true Brahmin. Not one of those "maneli windows 95, beedili chicken 65"-type person. "praaN bhi jaaye, mutton na khaaye" was his motto, along with "I'll beg, but not eat egg". He regarded eating beef as the worst of all crimes. For many years his friends tried to tempt him with tandoori, seduce him with szechwan and bribe him with biriyani, but he didn't budge.

One day, the plane he was traveling in crashed. For two months people thought he was dead. But miraculously, after two months, news came that he was alive. He had been stranded in a remote Pacific island where he had somehow survived for two months. He was the only one alive from the crash.

I went to meet him when he finally returned. After enquiring about his health, I asked him about the question which was in my mind ever since the news had come. "On that island you were stranded in, there were no plants or animals"? "No". "The only food available was a crate of beef which somehow survived the crash?". "Yes, there was a crate". "So!", I exclaimed, "you finally broke your code. You ate beef.". "No, never! I never ate beef". "Then how did you survive for two months? You are lying!".

Radhesh was smiling as he answered "I wasn't the only one who survived the crash".

Mayan civilization sued after nothing happens on December 21, 2012

2010-01-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

December 22, 2012.

The Apocalypse Association, a non-profit organization promoting calamities and disasters, has filed a lawsuit against the Mayan civilization, after the disasters predicted by the ancient South American people failed to occur.

"I'm disappointed that millions of people didn't die.", said Michelle Neifer, spokesperson for the AA, "Someone must be held responsible".

Indeed, December 21 turned out to be the most uneventful day in decades. The climate worldwide was pleasant, no assasinations or high-profile murders took place, and only 7000 people died in Iraq, which is way below the average.

Not the first failed prediction

This is not the first time a disaster prediction has fallen flat. Nostradamus predicted that the world would end in 1999, but nothing much happened. Computers were predicted to kill everyone due to the Y2K bug, but that turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by COBOL programmers.

"I'm sick of these lies", says Jody Killdred. Jody killed his dog to spare him an agonizing death during the Y2K scare, which turned out to be nothing. "But this time, I didn't even send my daughter to bed.", he added.

2102 not 2012

Dr Brian Juntilope, of the Canadian Mayan Institute, claims that we have had it wrong all this while. "You see, the Mayans write their years from right-to-left. So the disasters will happen, but in 2102".

While Dr Juntilope may be right, few people from the AA are willing to wait that long. "What's the point if it happens in 2102? I'll be dead by then", exclaimed Michelle.

Sequel to 2012

Unfazed by the lack of catastrophes, Roland Emmerlich, the director of the successful movie 2012, is already planning a sequel to the movie. Titled 2038, the movie is about how the world is destroyed by UNIX computers suffering from the Year 2038 Problem. The movie is set to hit theatres in 2014.

agony_aunt[0] : politically correct coding

2009-12-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

Question I recently went to an interview where the lady asked me to design a payroll application. But after seeing my code, she got angry and called security guard to kick me out. I am now being sued for sexual harassment. I'm sending my code to you. Please tell me, where did I go wrong?

agony_aunt No wonder she threw you out! Your code is politically incorrect! Let me tell you why. Here's a piece of your code:


class Employee
{
    Gender gender;
    String name;
    public Employee(String name, Gender gender)
    {
       this.name = name;
       this.gender = gender;
    }
    ...
}
...
Employee employee = new Employee("Ramya", Gender.Female);

Do you see what you did wrong there? You objectified women! You are such a sexist pig! Women should never be represented by objects. You should do this intead:


int calculateSalary(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getSalary();
  }
  else
  {
      //be careful not to create an object, not even a structure.
      return getSalaryForFemalePerson(name);
  }
}

The second mistake you did was here:


class Employee
{
   ...
   int getAge()
   {
      return age;
   }
   ...
}

You can't ask a woman her age! Thats rude, and in some countries, it's illegal! This is what you should do:


int getAge(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getAge();
  }
  else
  {
      throw new SexistException("Male Chauvinist Pig!");
  }
}

Your comparison function is also totally wrong. What it should be doing is:


int compareEmployees(String emp1, String emp2)
{
    if(isMale(emp1) && isFemale(emp2))
       return -1;//men are inferior to women.
    if(isFemale(emp1) && isMale(emp2))
       return +1;//women are superior to men.
    if(isFemale(emp1) && isFemale(emp2))
       //woman with more jewelry wins.
       return getJewelry(emp1) - getJewelry(emp2);
    return 0;//all men are equally stupid.
}

Even though it is a payroll application, you always need to implement these functions:


boolean isFat(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getWeight() > AVERAGE_WEIGHT;
  }
  else
  {
      return false;
  }
}

Fairy Tale

2009-11-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

There was once a kingdom in a land far far away, ruled by a wise and noble king.
The king was blessed with two lovely children: A prince who was the most handsome man in the kingdom, and a princess who's beauty was unsurpassed. Under the king's just rule, the kingdom and it's people prospered.

Alas, all good things come to an end. A vicious dragon, accidently freed from the magic spell binding it, began to attack the people of the kingdom. Everyday it would devour an entire village. The terrified people beseeched their king to save them from this menace.

The king made an announcement: he promised the brave soul who slays the dragon the hand of his daugher in marriage. Hearing this, every knight in the kingdom donned his armor and set out towards the forest: for the man who married the princess would truly be the luckiest of men.

One after the other the knights tried to kill the dragon, but none succeeded. The dragon was too savage and strong.

With the death of each knight, the king grew more despondent. At last, when there were no more knights left, a man with an axe stepped forward. "I would like to try to my luck with the dragon, your majesty", he implored. "Are you a knight, my good man?" asked the king, to which he replied "No sire, I am a humble woodcutter". "Very well, you may try.", said the king, without much hope.

The woodcutter didnot recklessly confront the dragon as the knights did. He studied the habits of the dragon for many days. He noticed that the dragon always drank water from a pond, which gave him an idea. He made a special potion from the bark of some trees, which he mixed into the pond, which made the dragon go to sleep. He then cut the large trees around the dragon thus crushing it. The dragon was finally dead.

When he returned to the palace, he was greeted with great applause. The king came to meet him at the doorstep. "You have saved our kingdom, for which I am thankful. As promised, I give you my daughter's hand in marriage". The princess smiled shyly. The woodcutter hesistated for a moment, then whispered something into the king's ear. The king was lost in thought for a minute, then he replied "Very well, if that is what you want, so be it".

The woodcutter and the prince lived happily ever after.

Fairness

2009-10-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

James and John were twins, but they were as different as two people could possibly be. John was a doctor who worked tirelessly serving poor people. Every year he gave thousands of dollars to charity. John was also a devout man who had not missed church in 30 years. James on the other hand was a gambler. He had been to jail many times for robbery, selling drugs and destroying property. He used drink every night and beat his wife. He was also an atheist who desecrated churches.

As it often happens with twins, James and John died the same day, James a few moments before John. To John's delight and to James' surprise, they found themselves in front of God, standing in a line. Behind God, there were two paths, one to Heaven, one to Hell.

James was first. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but he was unable to. For a few seconds, James stood meekly in front of the Creator. "Heaven" decided the Lord, and James was carried away by Angels along the heavenly path.

John was surprised by the decision, but he reasoned that God knew all; maybe there was a spark of goodness in his brother. John was happy for James.

Then came John's turn. John stood with his head bowed, humbled by the Almighty. Patiently he waited for his decision. "Hell" replied God, to John's great dismay. As demons came to take him away, he tried to think what wrong he had done to deserve eternal damnation.

As the demons were taking him away, he saw at last how God decided man's fate. God was fair. God was just. God was good.

God tossed a coin.

Infidelity

2009-10-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Who could have guessed that a letter from the department of revenue was what ruined Malini Srinivasan's marriage?

In retrospect, all the classic signs were already there. Srini had been coming home late for the past few weeks. Work, dinner with important clients, deadlines: he had made the usual excuses and she had believed him.

The letter changed everything.

The letter came when Malini was in the kitchen; she did not open it immediately. She was cooking Srini's favorite urundai kozhambu and wanted to get everything ready by 6:00pm. Srini had promised her that he would come home early. At 5:45, exhausted but satisfied with the afternoon's work, she sat down on the sofa and waited for her husband.

He came home at 11:30.

"Sorry dear, already saapaDaama .... Good night" was all he said before going to bed. The perfunctory apology was somehow worse than an insult.

Malini couldn't sleep. Looking for something to occupy her mind, she picked up the letter that had arrived earlier. It was from the Department of Revenue. It was addressed to her husband, but since Malini did all their taxes, she didn't hesitate to open it. As expected it was a property tax receipt.

She was about to file it away, when she saw something strange. The address on the receipt was not of their house. Strange, she thought, the receipt was posted to the correct address.

A seed of doubt was planted; and it grew. Malini started going through his credit card statements: not even one entry was a restaurant. So much for the dinner-with-clients lie. As she went through more statements, she began to understand the extent of her husband's betrayal.

Nobody knew how Malini got a gun, but she did. Two days after the letter, Malini waited for her husband; she would give him one last chance at coming out clean. But he didn't come.

At 7:00pm Malini hailed an auto to the address on the receipt. It was a nondescript house in a shady part of town. Without making a sound, she tried the door; it was unlocked.

The smell! The smell hit her just as she entered the house. It hardened her resolve; she knew what she was about to do was right.

There wasn't much furniture in the hall, just a table and a chair. A recipe book was lying opened on the table. Malini could hear her husband humming from the kitchen. She took out her gun and made her way towards him.

Srini was shocked to see his gentle, loving wife standing there with a gun in her hand. Nervously he glanced towards the vessel on the stove and back at her. "Is that what I think it is?" Malini asked him. He didn't have to answer, the look on his face said it all.

She closed her eyes and shot him.

She made the headlines in the newspaper the next day: "Tamil Brahmin Wife kills husband for eating non-veg food".

How to escape an Indian wedding

2009-10-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

Has this ever happened to you?: You're sitting there, shirtless, with a mangaLasutra in your hand and you suddenly get cold feet. You think of all the western men who leave their brides standing at the altar. But you can't do that because (a) the bride isn't standing (b) there is no easy path from the altar to the door.

It's clear you need a better plan.

Don't underestimate the Indian wedding ceremony: thousands of years have refined it to be almost impossible for a groom to escape. But with the right planning and technology, it can be defeated. And I will teach you how. So pay attention.

Here's a list of things you will need:

one half sleeve shirt
one pair of jeans
Rs 7.50 in exact change
200 grams of Cycle brand saambraNi*
two M47 submachine guns
two Smith and Wesson .50 handguns
thirty hand grenades
one auto rickshaw

First, you need to make a map of the wedding hall. A typical wedding hall looks like this:

Here is what you do on the wedding day. Remember, even the smallest mistake can ruin your plan, so learn this by heart.

a) Pretend your leg is itching, reach into your panche and take out the packet of saambraaNi. Put it into the agnikunD. This will cause a lot of smoke, which will hide you taking out the guns.

b) Take one handgun in each hand. With the left gun, shoot the bride, with the other, shoot the poojari. Aim for the head. Show no mercy, they are the enemy. Drop the guns, their work is done.

c) With the machine gun, start shooting people on the dias. There is no need to be accurate. Make your way towards the stairs, but keep shooting.

d) Now you have two choices. I have illustrated both with diagrams. Choose one of them.

Plan A: Turn sharply left. With the left hand shoot at the people on the bride's side. Lob grenades to the groom's side. After you reach the midpoint, switch hands and start lobbing grenades on the bride's side. When you reach the corner, turn sharply right and run to the door. Once you reach the door, lob all the grenades and jump out of the door.

Plan B: Keep walking on the centre aisle, and keep shooting people with both hands. Once you reach the midpoint, turn around, throw the guns and start throwing grenades as you run back. Once you reach the door, lob the last grenade at the musicians.

e) Hurray! you're out. But your work is not yet done. If you get caught now, they'll make you marry the bride's sister.

f) Run towards the auto. You should have parked it facing the road. Rev it up and off you go.

g) Chord Road to Majestic is normally 30 minutes; you need to do it in 10. Avoid Anand Rao Circle, it's congested at this time. While you're driving put on the jeans and shirt.

h) Go to platform 4, catch the 86. If you can't, get into a 265. Avoid the puskpaks, you only have Rs 7.50.

i) Get down at dasarahaLLi. Congratulations, you are home! You've done it!

Note: The same plan, with a few minor modifications, will work for the bride as well. I would suggest a Flame Thrower instead of a machine gun.

* saambraaNi is the resin of the Commiphora wightii tree, which when put on hot coal, produces lots of smoke.

Classification of detective stories

2009-09-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Almost all whodunnit stories fall into one of the following story-o-types:

Setup: V is a victim who dies. D is the detective. X, Y, Z ... are the suspects. The killer K must satisfy K ϵ {X, Y , Z ...} U {D, φ, V}.

1. The least obvious suspect did it: This trick is used so often that it has become almost a cliche. Y is meek, good and helpful. Y seems the least likely to have carried out the murder. In the end though, Y is revealed to be the killer.

2. The most obvious suspect did it: As people read more and more novels which use trick #1, they start suspecting such unlikely characters. A clever writer reverses this by making the most obvious suspect the killer. The problem with this is if the reader hasn't come across trick #1 very often, the ending will fall rather flat.

3. The victim did it: No one suspects the victim, by virtue of the victim being dead. The ending reveals that the victim intentionally killed themselves, thus confounding everyone.Cards on the table is a good example of this trick.

4. Everyone did it: People instinctively expect only one of the suspects to be the killer. If more than one suspect were in collusion, the reader is much less likely to deduce the culprits. The most famous example of this is of course Murder on the Orient Express, where every suspect turns out to be the killer.

5. No one did it: There never was a murder: it was all an accident. Like trick #3, the reader feels a bit cheated since the perpetrator isn't brought to justice.

6. The victim is the victim: V is supposed to die, but W dies instead. The ending reveals that W was the intended victim after all. The ABC murders is a perfect example of it.

7. The fake victim did it: This takes trick #6 to one more level; not only is W the intended victim, the fake victim V is the killer. The Mirror crack'd from side to side is a good example of this.

8. The detective did it: This obviously doesn't work if the detective is famous. Also, for this to have a satifying ending, there has to be a second detective who reveals the killer. Bonus points if the story is being narrated from the detective's point-of-view in first person.

9. The butler did it: I just had to put that one there :D

10. Unexpected Motive: Given that the choice for 'who' is pretty limited, the motive is the factor writers get to play most with. Again, The Mirror crack'd from side to side is a brilliant example of a motive for which enough clues exist in the story, yet is very surprising in the end.

11. Unexpected Method: 'How' is the thing writers let their imagination run free over. The most interesting ones are the "impossible murders": murder which happened in a room which was locked from the inside etc.

Handling memory leaks

2009-09-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

I found this gem in some code I wrote in 2003. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the proper way to avoid memory errors.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/// Extremely Dangerous to do this , but the app keeps crashing
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
void SigSegVHandler(int __SigNumber){
    return;// I am ignoring all Segmentation faults
}
int main(){
    signal(SIGSEGV, SigSegVHandler);
}

Guess the plot: B-grade horror movie edition

2009-09-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

In this age of internet porn and big budget 3D horror movies, the subtle art of the B-Grade Movie is indeed lost. They were the true pioneers of their time, pushing the boundaries of the U-rating by showing almost-but-not-quite-naked women in close-to-but-not-really-scary situations, with the silliest names anyone could ever imagine.
I found some posters of some such gems recently, without any other info about their plot. So here is my take on the movies based just on the poster.

Bhaago Bhoot Aaya

Usain Bolt produces and stars in this classic tale of murder, revenge and running. When Shaitan captures Bolt's girlfriend, he challenges him to the ultimate race. Now Bolt must run like he has never run before: being chased by ghosts and while wearing formals.

Kabrastan

To the east of Kazakhstan and to the north of Uzbekistan lies a small forgotten country called Kabrastan. For some reason everyone there is dead. After Borat succeeded in introducing the fine culture of Kazakhstan to everyone, some Kabrastani director decided to make this movie. The protagonist of this surreal movie is a hand which talks. Some believe that hand is a metaphor for the Congress party which is why Sonia Gandhi banned this movie in India.

Pyasa Shaitan

Thie movie is notorious for it's product placement: the people in this movie keep drinking Coca-cola products throughout the movie. The Shaitan doesn't actually kill anyone because he's too busy drinking Coke Zero. There is a token girl-who-dies in the movie, but thats because she drinks Pepsi accidentally.

Khatarnak

A heartwarming musical adaptation of Michael Jackson's Dangerous. A touching story of a one-eyed cyclops' struggle against the bigotry of the carnatic music world. The protagonist is a monster who's ambition is to sing Dangerous in yamuna kalyaaNi raaga, but is thwarted by jealous and petty humans. In the stirring climax, our hero butchers an entire kacheri full of people while maintaining taaLa.

Moral Science Story

2009-08-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

This is a story about a line.

Once there was a prosperous farmer, who had two sons Ram and Shyam. Ram and Shyam hated each other since childhood. For years the farmer tried to reconcile them, but to no avail. At last, on his deathbead, the farmer decided to split his land equally among the brothers. With a stick, he drew a line on the ground, and gave the left half to Ram and the right half to Shyam.

The line became a mud-road. Each brother married, and from day one told their wives to hate the other. When Ram added a second story to his house, Shyam added two floors. When Shyam's dog accidentally crossed into Ram's courtyard, Ram shot it dead.

The line became a busy street. Ram had a daughter Gautami. Shyam had a son Bhargava. Shyam encouraged Bhargava to throw stones at Ram's cows. Gautami poured ink on Bhargava's notebook in school. The children inherited their parents' hate.

The line became a state highway. Bhargava and his friends sneaked up at night and lit Ram's barn on fire. It was a major financial loss for Ram. In revenge, Gautami planted drugs on Bhargava and had him arrested.

The line became a national highway. Ram hired rowdies to ransack Shyam's place. Shyam responded by hiring his own gang. Three people died, twelve injured.

Then tragedy struck Ram: both his kidneys failed. Try as they might, they couldn't find a compatible donor. Just when all hopes were fading, there came news: someone had donated a kidney.

The operation was a success. Ram was eager to thank the donor, but the doctor wouldn't tell who the donor was. Burning with desire to know, Ram hired a detective.

Ram was back in his home when he got the detective's mail. When he read it, he was astonished: It was Shyam. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked across the line into his brother's eyes. Getting up, he ran across to embrace his brother .... BAM! An oil tanker smashed into Ram. The driver lost control of the vehicle and the tanker exploded killing everyone in Ram's and Shyam's household.

Moral of the story: Before crossing National Highways, look both sides for traffic.

Bolt breaks speed of light barrier; scientists baffled.

2009-08-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

Jamaican runner Usain Bolt today added another feather in his cap breaking his own previous world record in the 100m sprint race, by completing the race in 0.00000003 seconds. In doing so, he became the first man to cross the speed of light barrier, thought by many to be the ultimate pinnacle of sprint racing.

Speaking to our correspondent after the race, Bolt said he was happy with the record, but felt he could do better. "I slowed down slightly at the end, y'know what I mean? Got distracted by all the tachyons, man, that shit is word".

Scientists all over the world were caught by surprise by Bolt's stupendous achievement. The theory of relativity, invented by Sergei Einstein in 1845, specifically prohibits massive particles, such as Bolt, from ever reaching the speed of light. Some scientists accused Bolt of using quantum mechanics to break the speed barrier. International Athletics Council has a strict ban on using quantum mechanics in any sporting event. However the Jamaican Minister of Sports Robert Tarunga rubbished such allegations as jealous ramblings "It's clearly a triumph of human ingenuity over the laws of physics".

Runner up John Chadwell, who came in a distant second after clocking 9.98 seconds, felt that Bolt had won fair and square, but that he should retire to let others win. "There's no competition, he keeps winning. Why should I even participate?".

Loksabha elections shifted to Zimbabwe

2009-04-11T03:04:00.000-07:00

Taking a cue from the Indian Premier League, the election commission today announced that the venue for 2009 Lok Sabha elections would be shifted to Zimbabwe.

The decision was precipitated by the sudden increase in security following the Chidambaram shoe throwing incident. Citing huge manpower shortfalls, the police departments of most states expressed their inability to monitor every shoe at the massive rallies taken out by every party. After prolonged discussions the EC was forced to make the decision to shift the elections to another country.

Somalia, Nigeria and Congo were initially in the fray for this lucrative franchise. But eventually Zimbabwe emerged as the winner, thanks mainly to the tireless campaigning of their charismatic leader, Robert Mugabe.

Mugabe assured the EC that nobody in the impoverished African nation had shoes, so the main security concern was automatically taken care of. Mugabe said that he would ensure that 85% of the population converts to Hinduism before the election, to better reflect India's demography. But the biggest factor in Zimbabwe's favor was the cheap cost of elections: the average Bribe Per Voter(BPV) in India is Rs 534, whereas in Zimbabwe it is Zim$ 172,000,000,000,000,000,100 which equals Rs 12.

Most political parties were satisfied by the arrangements. RJD president Laalu Prasad Yaadav personally inspected the election machinery and commented that it was "better than Bihar". BJP's Varun Gandhi also concurred, but expressed concerns that the communal riots promised by Mugabe were "not bloody enough".

Some people felt that the elections were an integral part of Indian Culture and should remain in India. But EC spokesman Amar Gupta rubbished such sentiments, stating that the change only affected 2% of the population who actually bother to vote. The vast majority of Indians who sat in front of TVs and complained would not be affected, he assured us.

Greatest Hits, Volume I

2009-03-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

All bands, even shitty one-hit-wonder ones, release "Greatest Hits" albums from time to time. I thought: why not do the same thing for my blog? Why make people search through scores of boring posts in order to get to the funny ones? So I've put together what I would consider my best/funniest/silliest posts.

1. Poem to make a mother cry : Someone asked for a poem to make a mother cry on Yahoo! Answers, and I promptly obliged. Warning: Highly Unpatriotic!
2. My Tragic Love Story : Laila-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet and now Priyananda-Anukriti. Read and cry.
3. Grad Side Story : A PhD can change a man's life.
4. Expected Dowry as a function of time : If dowry is a crime, I am a C^∞-smooth criminal.
5. Plutonic Tales : A case of elemental racism.
6. Being a woman is against Indian culture : Extrapolating on Sri Ram Sena logic.

My reader demographic is predominantly kannada speakers(yellarigu namaskaara!), so my kannada/bengaLuru posts are generally popular. Here is a list you might like:

1. Women in contemporary kannada slang : What are guys saying about girls.
2. Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation : decent huDugarige
3. Sakku Sakku Sakku : Super song from Snehana Preetina translated to English.
4. War on Basaveshwarnagar : The epic battle between Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar to control daasarahaLLi.

Valentines Day 2009

2009-02-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

Being a boring, asocial geek with no romantic prospects, I didn't have anyone to send V-Day cards to, so I took part in the Something Awful Valentine's Day Card Swap. Basically a bunch of people send out v-day cards to other psuedo-anonymous people for fun. Getting a card from a random person is not the same as from a loved one, but it's the heart I'm trying to fool, not the brain.

Here's what I sent:

Here's what I received:

Mathematician interviews God

2009-02-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

Being the creator of the universe, God is usually credited for creating math as well. Despite his busy schedule as the Supreme Being, he agreed to gave an interview to Matt Adler, chief correspondent for the Mathematical Times.

Interviewer: Hi God, how are you?
God: I'm fine, thanks.
Interviewer: Thank you for taking time to give this interview. It means a lot, especially since you hate mathematicians.
God: No, no, I like mathematicians. It's computer scientists I hate.
Interviewer: That brings us nicely to the question which is on everyone's mind. Tell us, is P equal to NP?
God: I don't know.
Interviewer: What? But you're God!
God: Look, it was all a long time ago OK? When I created the universe 15 billion years ago, I had to make a whole lot of decisions. Deciding whether pi should be rational or not took so much time that I just rushed through the other decisions.
Interviewer: So you don't remember?
God: No. I'm waiting just like you for someone to answer that question.
Interviewer: OK .... What about the Reimann Hypothesis?
God: That's just rubbish. Any fool can see that it's blatantly false. Even Reimann knew that.
Interviewer: Then why did he make the conjecture?
God: It was his idea of a joke. I sent him to Hell for that prank.
Interviewer: Do mathematicians usually go to Heaven or Hell?
God: Depends. Discrete mathematicians usually go to Hell.
Interviewer: Why? Is discrete math inherently evil?
God: No, they just have a better discrete math program. Satan is quite keen on it.
Interviewer: What problem do you think mathematicians should work on? Hodge conjecture? Navier Stokes?
God: Those problems are just crap. Don't waste time on those. The only thing worth proving is the Polokski-Meron conjecture.
Interviewer: What? I've never heard of that.
God: Oh, Sorry! That won't be discovered till 2038.
Interviewer: What should people work on till 2038?
God: Take a break from math. Do something else, watch TV, whatever.
Interviewer: Young kids today are losing interest in Mathematics. How can we change this?
God: There should be more sex and violence in math.
Interviewer: Errr...
God: Kids think math is dry, it should be made more exciting. Make a game of it. People who make a false conjecture should be killed gruesomely. And if someone makes a true conjecture and proves it, he should get 10 supermodels as sex slaves.
Interviewer: Thank you for answering our questions, God.
God: My pleasure.

Being a woman is against Indian culture

2009-02-16T07:59:00.000-08:00

Pramod Muthalik, leader of the hindu right-wing organization Sri Ram Sena, declared that being a woman is against Indian culture.

Speaking at a crowded public meeting in New Delhi, Muthalik justified his opposition towards women. "We should all try to be Ram. Was Ram a woman? Can a woman ever be Ram?". He urged all the women to renounce their womanly ways and become a man instead.

Misogynists worldwide celebrated this landmark speech from their role model. "Until now, I used to treat my wife with love and care", opined Prakash Kumar, BPO employee, "but Pramodji has opened my eyes. From now on, I will beat my wife everyday".

While Muthalik's speech is seen by many as significant and novel, rural Indians are not impressed. "We'be been beating and burning our women since centuries", says Bhairo Singh, "so what's new?".

Muthalik blamed women for the current global economic turmoil. "Behind every failed economy, there are many women". He said that the only way to solve these problems is by opressing women. " 'Women in Kitchen, making Butter Chicken' is our motto.", he said, "Of course, we at Sri Ram Sena are pure vegetarians, we chose Chicken just because it rhymes with Kitchen."

Feminists worldwide are tired of being outraged at Sri Ram Sena. "You know, right now I am too exhausted to even hate them", complained Arundhati Rai. Rai has been making lace panties on her sewing machine all day long, after Victoria's Secret couldn't meet the demands of the Pink Chaddi campaign. Ironically, Muthalik would have approved of her work-all-day-at-home-sewing-clothes attitude.

War on Basaveshwarnagar

2009-02-01T21:35:00.001-08:00

Reuters Feb 1, 2009

In his first major foreign policy decision after taking oath, US President Barack Obama has declared War on Basaveshwarnagar, an area in the Indian city of Bengaluru.

Speaking at a Special Execute Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, President Obama vowed to bring peace to the people of Basaveshwarnagar. "We will liberate you from tyranny and oppression, and bring democracy to everyone", the Premier announced.

Seven F-22s left the Pacific Island Air Base early this morning. While Air Force spokesmen declined to comment on the planned strategy, an unnamed source told us that an intense two day carpet bombing was on the cards. President Obama has not ruled out pre-emptive nuclear strikes.

Latest reports confirm that Havnur Circle has been neutralized and Marines have taken control. There are still reports of major gunfire near Modi Hospital.

President Obama's offensive comes at a crucial time for West Bengaluru, which has been politically unstable for the past few years. Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar had been fighting a bitter guerrilla war for possession of dasarahaLLi, a highly coveted location with immense strategic importance. While Vijayanagar remains neutral, recent attacks by Basaveshwarnagar forces on Indraprasta hotel have raised tensions considerably.

Kempaiyya, who sells cucumbers in front of Prasanna theatre on Magadi road, hopes that Basaveshwarnagar is defeated. He has bitter memories of Basaveshwarnagar, where he was once harassed by local Police for selling cucumbers.

For many people living in Basaveshwarnagar, the US attack couldn't have come at a worse time. "Why are you people targetting us? The crimes of Rajajinagar are much worse.", said Ashok who's magazine stand in Shankar Mutt was destroyed by a missile strike.

Some analysts have criticized Obama's decision to ally with Rajajinagar against Basaveshwarnagar. Mark Allen, political analyst, said "It's all about the oil. Rajajinagar has more petrol bunks than Basaveshwarnagar". President Obama however rebuffed such criticisms. "We chose to ally with R'nagar because they have better theatres: Prasanna, Pramod, Navrang ... and what does B'nagar have? One lousy pushpanjali which shows only B-grade filth. It's a mark of culture".

Update: Here's what happened next.

Grad Side Story

2009-01-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

Acula was nervous. Dressed in black robes with a ridiculous hat on his head, he was fourth in the long line of graduates at the convocation. This was a moment he had been waiting for all his adult life - the culmination of his dreams.

"Aaronson", the Dean's voice boomed on the PA system.

Acula glanced towards the audience, his eyes seeking out his beloved. Nalini was chatting with his dad, but she caught his eye and smiled. Kind, patient Nalini - never complaining, never judging.

"Abigail", called out the Dean in his deep barritone voice.

Acula glanced behind. Nitin was too busy chatting with Martha to notice him. Nitin, his best friend for a little more than 4 years.

"Abrokovitz".

Acula tried not to think of how sweaty his palms were. As he made his way closer to the podium, he tried to practise his acceptance speech for the last -

"Acula". His time had come.

The Dean was smiling as he handed out the rolled sheet of paper. "The University of Maine herebly grants you the degree of Doctor of Philosophy ...".

Acula didn't wait for the Dean to finish. In an instant, he jumped on top of the dean, pushing him to the ground. Aiming for his neck, he ripped the dean's throat out and began to drink the warm blood as it gushed out.

Acula had become Dr Acula.

Edit: Yes, I stole the idea from Scrubs. Here's the clip:

My mom is better than your mom

2008-12-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

I know it's a little late to be making Sarah Palin Jokes ...

"Screw you, boy .. My momma's gonna be the wize-presideynt and kick yo momma's ass."

I guess the boy had the last laugh though.

No space for F(7) = 21

2008-12-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

This proves three things:

I'm a big math/CS nerd.
I'm addicted to Coke Zero.
I'm jobless.

caste operators

2008-12-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

Q: What are the caste operators in C++? With examples, explain the different caste operators. (10 marks) [VTU CS321 May 2009]

A: The caste operators are used to change the caste of a person.The four different caste operators in C++ are explained below.

a) static_caste
static_caste operator is used to change the caste of a person for a long period of time. Note that the effects of this operator are permanent.
Eg: Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer comes from an ultra-orthodox brahmin family from T-nagar, Chennai. After writing IIT exam three times and not getting through, RKI bribes the Tahsildar to produce a caste certificate pronouncing him a scheduled caste person. He then goes to IIT, then IIM and finally becomes a Big Shot. Later when he finds that he is no longer allowed into Guruvayur temple, he drowns his sorrow in Beluga Caviar and Dom Perignon.

b) dynamic_caste
dynamic_caste operator changes the caste of a person for a short period. While the benefit of using this is less than that of static_caste, there are no long term effects.
Eg: Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer has an unholy liking for mutton biriyani, but his amma carefully audits his spending. He buys a cap, goes to some arbit muslim wedding, says random phrases like "khuda haafiz", "wah wah" and "mubaarak" to everyone, and gorges on mutton and chicken. He then goes to Guruvayur temple for dessert (their prasadam is delicious).

c) reinterpret_caste
reinterpret_caste doesn't change the caste, but changes the way the rules of the caste are implemented.
Eg: When confronted with a bucketful of chicken, Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer recites from Skandapurana 11:38 "Thou shalt eat meat and all shall be happy". While his mother and granny debate whether Skandapurana comes above Ishopanishad, Rama gorges on the chicken.

d) const_caste
const_caste is used to remove the orthodoxy from the caste.
Eg: Centuries ago, konkani brahmins used to be as orthodox as Tamil ones, but over time succumbed to the temptation of fried fish and fenni. A konkani brahmin youth of today can be identified by the joint in his right band, a beer bottle in his left hand and a slutty girl on his lap.

Wishes

2008-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

This is how a geek does it.

Dedic to some fellow in Yankmenistan.

Plutonium made dwarf element

2008-11-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Rueters, November 13, 2008.

Two years after the controversial decision to demote Pluto to dwarf planet status, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry today ruled that the chemical element Plutonium has been re designated as a 'dwarf element'.

Scientists around the world expressed their approval for this bold and innovative move. "Pluto is a bad influence on our kids", said Dr Ying Hu, Professor of Chemistry at Yandall University, "we should banish it from all science."

A small but vocal minority of scientists questioned the decision. "It is blatant political pandering", said John Jacques, member of the American Plutonium Fans Association, "What has Plutonium ever done to anyone?". He blamed the Democratic party for this. "I'm sorry, but Obama just doesn't know Chemistry."

Spokeman for the Vatican, Bishop Francis Agnossi told the press that the Vatican supported this demotion. "God made only 92 elements. All others are works of the Devil."

The position of 94th element is now open. In an unprecedented move, IUPAC has put the slot up for sale on Ebay. "We want to engage the community on this matter", Wolfe said, "We are selling this hot piece in the Periodic real estate to the highest bidder". She hastened to add that Science still comes first. "We require all bids to have atleast 225 neutrons. We also need the name to begin with Pu to avoid reprinting all those books".

At time of writing, PopUnderium was the highest bidder on e-bay. If it wins, it will be the first element to be named after an annoying internet technology. Pussium, Puliyogrium and Putridium were trailing close behind.

Ondu Benchina Kathe

2008-11-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

It was dark when I came home that evening. Having missed the 248, I had walked all the way from the Deepanjalinagara stop. Tired to the bone, all I wanted to do was crash in bed.

"Who is this Anukriti?"

My mother's voice jolted me out of my lethargy. How did she ... the letter! The goddamn letter which I had carelessly left in plain sight.

"How long has this been going on?" she asked with quiet fury.

"Three months", I blabber.

"Which bench does she sit in?"

"S-She's from a good konkani brahmin family, amma. Only daughter of wealthy parents. Her father owns..."

"Which. bench. does. she. sit. in?", her anger was palpable now.

"L-L-Last B-Bench", I stammered.

Crack! The sound of the slap resonated with the sound of my heart breaking.

That was the end. I never saw Anukriti again. The next day I was forced to join another college, a much inferior college, but one which had a single row of desks in each class. There would be no more last benches in my life.

Disclaimer: All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblence to Anukriti Pai, c/o Niranjan Pai, 121/38 5th cross 8th main Malleshwaram 560003 is a statistically improbable coincidence.

Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation

2008-10-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

To celebrate Kannada being given "classical language" status, Google Labs and the Govt. of Karnataka announced a new feature today in Google Translator: Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada translator. The Govt. of Karnataka spokesman Dr MS Timme Gowda, explained the reason behind this new feature: "We are worried about language of today's youth. These peoples like kashinath, jaggesh and upendra they have spoiled kannada with bad words. Now that kannada is classic, we should educate them about good language".

We took a look at this new feature and tested it to see how it works.

Here are some phrases we tried and their translation

original: ninajji
translation: nimma tandeya taayi athava nimma taayiya taayi

original: nin henDran
translation: tamma dharmapatniya

original: indina koosu, naaLina piece-u
translation: vartamaanada baalike, bhavishyada mahanagara paalike

original: nin mootige girlfriend bere keDu
translation: nimma mukhakke sthree-sangaati yelli siguvaLu

original: maga, nan dove nange kiss koTlo!
translation: putraa, nanna priyatame nannannu chumbisidaLu!

original: oLage seridare gunDu, huDugi aaguvaLu ganDu
translation: madhyapaana sevaneyinda streelingavu pullingavaaguvudu.

original: kenchalo, machchalo yellavraa nin dove-gaLu
translation: shreemaan kencha, mitra, neevu preetisuttiruva sundariyaru yelliruvaru?

original: sisya, mysur mallige noDidiya? full hot ante!
translation: shishya, mysooru nagarada mallige hoovannu noDiruveya? adu bahaLa bisiyaagiruttade!

original: MTV subbalakshmige bari oLu bari oLu
translation: shreemati subbalakshmiyavara abhipraayadalli MTV asatyagaLinda tumbide.

original: by-two kaapi koDamma, full strong-aagirli.
translation: taayi, ardha loTa kaapiyannu neeDi, bahaLa shaktiyuta aagirali.

original: aa song-nalli, ravichandran priyanka full touching touching
translation: aa haaDinalli, shreeman ravichandran ravaru shreemati priyankaaravarannu sparshisidaru.

original: dum idre daasraLLige baaro! ond kai noDkoteeni.
translation: dhairyaviddalli daasara haLLige banni. Nimmannu ondu hastadinda noDi koLLuttene.

original: Dum Dum Dagaar Dagaar
translation: Translation Failed!

When asked about when this feature will be available to the public, Google Labs spokesman said that their team plan to test this using the dialogues from "tarle nan maga", and would make the feature available as soon as the testing is completed.

Update: Google Labs announced just now that the project has been cancelled. Apparently they couldn't finish their testing since their servers kept crashing.

A geek can't live without ...

2008-10-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

Think meta.

dowry function

2008-09-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

Now for some matrimonial math...

Death Hallows cover designs

2008-09-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

These are a few covers I designed in early 2007 for Deathly Hallows, in response to a contest at mugglenet. Since I've been feeling a little morbid lately, I'll put them up here, so that in case of my untimely death, these would not be lost.

deprecation and depression

2008-09-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'd seen a lot of deprecated methods, but never a self-deprecating one!

Yella OK, idella yaake?

2008-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

With due apologies to the original source of this image.

for the love of lol

2008-09-01T10:50:00.001-07:00

(pseud) Ivy League

2008-09-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

I live near the junction of Princeton Avenue and University Avenue. This is as close to Ivy League that I am ever going to get.

Biking trip

2008-08-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today I went on my first serious biking trip, on the 30-km Capitol City Loop. I've been cycling on the 5-km Howard Tenin Lakeshore path for some time now, so I thought I'll try my hand at something longer. Most of the Loop is the Capital City Trail, one of the reasons Madison is known be the most cycle friendly city in the US. The use of the trail needs a $4 donation, but it is self-enforced, which means you can get away with not paying (Such 'honor'able things are only possible in rich countries, in India nobody would pay).

The trail took us through some very picturesque locales, going through hills, plains, and occasionally, woods. It wasn't a very difficult trip, because the terrain was (mostly) flat and the uphill slopes we encountered weren't very steep. Except for the (literal) pain in the ass, I didn't suffer any ill-effects from the trip.

This trip has solidified my new found love of biking (And Madison is a great place to be 'romancing the bike'). I'm looking forward to more such trips in the future.

(In case you are wondering, I'm the tall guy in the white shirt on the right.)

real life John F Hickory

2008-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

Who does'nt this guy hate?

Dog of the temple

2008-07-23T08:12:00.001-07:00

Q: What do you call a stray dog outside a temple in Kerala?
A: God's own kantri.

Salman Rushdie in Madison

2008-07-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Ever since I read The Moor's Last Sigh, I've been an ardent fan of Salman Rushdie. His writing is such that, even if you don't like the story, you'll keep reading his books for the sheer beauty of the prose (case in point: The ground beneath her feet). No other author I've read (admittedly few in number) manages to string words together in an way which conveys emotion and conjures up images, and at the same time plays with puns, dabbles with double-meaning and sparkles with satire.

So imagine my joy when I chanced upon an announcement in the local newspaper that the recently newly-knighted author was to appear in Madison promoting his new book The Enchantress of Florence. So I landed up at the Borders store at 7:00 pm on July 11, 2008 to listen to him reading a few pages of his new book and answering a few questions.

A very healthy crowd was already assembled at the place by the time we went. I was quite surprised that so many Americans knew about Salman Rushdie, given that he generally doesn't write about America.(Then again, the fatwa has made him quite famous all over the world).
In the next half hour, Rushdie talked about his book, and the amount of meticulous research that went into it(apparently 7 years of research and 1.5 years of writing). He read half a chapter from his new book, relating the meeting of Qara Koz, the eponymous Enchantress and Argalia the Italian mercenary. He was witty and humorous, inciting quite a few chuckles among the motley group of people gathered there. After reading from the book, the stage was let open for questions, which he again answered with wit. Thankfully (and surprisingly) there were no controvertial questions or questions related to the fatwa etc.
So what did I come away with? An increased respect for one of my favourite authors and yes, an autographed copy of his new book.

Spam-o-rama

2008-07-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

They say you can tell a lot about a man from the contents of his spam folder. (Who the fuck are 'they'? How do 'they' know everything? I've never heard this one, you just made that up, shithead. I'll ... I apologize for this schizophrenic outburst. I've taken the meds, and we're OK now ).

Anyway, I decided to find out what kind of a man I am(You're a loser). So instead of deleting the spam folder as part of my morning routine, I let it grow. For two days and three nights, the contents of my spam folder grew and grew and grew, until the Google sent me a warning about '100% of 6122 MB full: do you want to upgrade?'. Let's see what I had inside.

Like everybody else, I had the usual mix of Nigerian money scams, V1agRa ads, ads to increase the length of certain ... err ... appendages etc etc, so I'm listing only the interesting ones.

#1: No rain in Iraq
Like every American, (fucker, you're an Indian) I watch the news regularly about what's happening in Iraq. Like every American, I don't give a shit what happens to the damn Iraqis.(Yeah, we watch it for entertainment) What's the point of this spam anyway?: Buy this T shirt and the drought will stop? Were these T shirts made in sweatshops of Iraq and that's why they have a water shortage?

#2: PhDD
As a grad student planning to spend 5 years and two hundred thousand dollars in a small, bitterly cold, midwestern city in the vague hope of getting a 'Dr' in front of my name, this spam pisses me off. I mean, they can't even spell 'Masters'! And what's PhDD? Doctor of Dubious Philosophy? The only way this spam could have been real was if it had come from Bihar. But that's impossible since noone in Bihar knows how to use a computer.(Look what you've done. You've pissed off lots of people now.)

#3 WW3
CNN must have forgotten to report this. Yeah, that can happen, it's only World War III not like Superbowl or something.

#4 KQA
Now why in tarnation would Google classify a mail from Arul Mani as spam? (Coz you pressed 'This is spam'.) Has KQA started selling V1agrA in order to pay for prizes? (Did you listen to what I said? It's not spam). Is Google pissed off that their team got 0 points in the last KQA Corporate quiz? (Aaaaah!)

#5 Marketing disguised as spam
Come on, Microsoft! You can do better than that. I know Vista didn't sell very well and all that, but stooping so low? Gee, I know Vista's supposed to be full advanced and all, but claiming that it can cure diseases? 'both male and female'? What next, solving world poverty in SP1?(Ha Ha).

Things I did today

2008-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Spent 3 hours laughing at arbit things on cracked at pictures such as these:

Spent 2 hours killing dogs and generally going batshit insane in Postal 2 : Share the pain.

Irony

2008-05-23T09:45:00.001-07:00

This is ironic at so many levels that it cracks me up.

funny kannada song(explicit lyrics)

2008-05-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

Lyrics(Parental advisory: extremely vulgar lyrics):

namma deshadalli, sarakaaradalli
bari suLE makkaLru tumbkonDidaare;
kaLL boLi makkaLru, shudda suLE makkaLru,
gaanDu minsteru raaja maaDtaarE;
kaas tinno abhyaasa, lancha vanchanE,
maana maryaadE ildE maaDtaarE;
namma deshadalli, sarakaaradalli
bari suLE makkaLru tumbkonDidaare.

avr akkan naayi mari kEya,
avr amman handi mari gE;
avr ajji aanE mari kEya,
avr akkan naayi mari gE.
(x2)

namma deshadalli, sarakaaradalli
bari suLE makkaLru tumbkonDidaare;
kaLL boLi makkaLru, shudda suLE makkaLru,
gaanDu minsteru raaja maaDtaarE;
kaas tinno abhyaasa, lancha vanchanE,
maana maryaadE ildE maaDtaarE;
namma deshadalli, sarakaaradalli
bari suLE makkaLru tumbkonDidaare.

avr akkan naayi mari kEya,
avr amman handi mari gE;
avr ajji aanE mari kEya,
avr akkan naayi mari gE.
(x2)

namma deshadalli, sarakaaradalli
bari suLE makkaLru tumbkonDidaare;
(x2)

tumbkonDidaare,
tumbkonDidaare
tumbkonDidaare
tumbkonDidaare.

Question and Answer

2008-04-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! Answers seems to attract complete retards in alarming proportions, which makes it a constant source of amusement. Yesterday I came across this wonderful question:

My creative (sic) juices started flowing, and I made up this cheeky poem in answer:

Here's the actual link.

Arbit Kannada Movies

2008-04-25T18:54:00.001-07:00

I was browsing the extensive collection of movies at Kannada Store, and chanced upon some masterpieces. What were these people thinking, when they made such movies?

Starting off, we have aasEgObba meesEgObba, which roughly translated means "one for love, one for the mustache". I guess it deals with the conundrum the heroine feels in choosing between her (unmustached) lover and her (mustached) husband.

I've heard of white wine, but white wife? That is what the next movie in our list biLi henDti means. I guess it has something to do with a foriegn wife, which used to be (and still is) the No.1 fear of all mothers who's son is abroad.

jaatakaratna gunDajOyeesa, apparently was a famous astrologer. I guess they wanted to make a movie in the line of kaviratna kaaLidasa or amarashilpi jakaNachari, but couldn't afford Rajkumar.

what can I say about chor guru chaanDaal shishya? When a company called Nakoda makes movies, expect cheapness.

number aidu yekka, coincidentally is number 5 in my list. For the life of me I cannot think of any card game where 5-A is a winning hand.

picto-gaadegaLu

2008-04-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

Comic

2008-04-09T20:25:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: All images are copyright their respective owners. I don't wish to infringe on anyone's rights and am not claiming to be the author of these images.
http://www.xkcd.com/
http://www.questionablecontent.net/
http://www.phdcomics.com/
http://www.viruscomix.com/
http://www.dilbert.com/

Coping with rejections

2008-03-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

Fall admission results are out, and inevitably some of us weren't so lucky. Let us see how various people reacted upon getting their rejection letters.

Here is Mr Iyyer from Chennai

Namaskaaram Respected Sir/Madam,

You have simbly made a terrible mistake in rejecting me sir. My astrologer Vaidyanadan Muttiswami predicted that if I joining a college name beginning with T, I will be sure to get the nodel prize sir. He is a very powerful person, he predicted Rajanikant will become superstar in 1978 only no sir.

Please reconsider your decision in the face of divine prediction sir.

Yours Sincerely,
Kozhikode Vaikuntanadan Sriramachari Iyyer

What about our beloved Mum"bhai"? What was his reaction?

Aay Professor ke bachche,

Kaiko apunse pangaa leta hai? Apun ko - woh kya bolta? - admit maangta. Tere college mein chokri log mast rehta hai, aisa maine suna, kya? Isi liye admit maanga. Jyaada shaan patti nahi karne ka, kya? Apun ko underworld mein bahut connection hai, maalum? Ek siti maara to phir teri vaat lag gayi, samjho. ja ja ... admit de, chal.

Taplu Bhai, Mumbai

Our Shivajinagar brethen tried the old juicy-palms approach:

Salaam Sethu,

Kya ba tumm, mereko reject kardio? hum kaun, maalum? shivajinagar me mutton shop Mohommad ka beta Rustum. Hyderabad mein bees poultry pharm ka maalik ji hum. tum humko admit deta to, hum begum ko bolko tumhara ghar daily mutton and murga bhejta. dedo ba, tereko kya jaata?

Rustum Karim Khan

Here is an aNNavru fan overdosed on babruvahana

Oho! nannanne tiraskarisuva mattobba ee prithviya meliddaneye? trilokavanne geddu banda ee arjunanige sari saaTi yaarilla! dhairyaviddalli, ninna pourushavannu raNarangadalli torisu! tegeduko ninna astravannu! noDoNa ninna bhujabalada paraakrama. aa paarthane reco-letter barediruvaaga, nannannu tiraskarisalu ninageshTu dhairya?

ninna aTThaasavannu biTTu sharaNagatanaagu. tolagu!

The following person couldn't complete her mail before the paramedics came:

Oh my God! you rejected me! I can't believe you rejected me. how could you? why, oh God, why? why me? But, But you admitted that ... that Sally. What's she got more than me? Oh my God, I have trouble breathing ... OK,OK, take a deep breath ... OK ... look, there must have been a mistake. I can't ... just can't ... Dammit, I can't find my Alderall ... OK,OK ... there's still time ... just give me an admit ok ... ah! found 'em ... wait, what is this .. this isn't my meds ... rat poison? fuck oh fuck ...

There are brits, there are pompous brits ... and then there are pompous faux-brits:

My most sincere salutations to those who are reading this,

Permit me to apologize for this grotesque and garrulous waste of your precious time, but I am compelled to bring your notice a griveous injustice that has been done unto me. Upon perusing the contents of your letter this morning, I failed not to notice that you have, in error perhaps, deemed that I am not suitable for joining your illustrious institution as a student. Due modesty prevents me from illustrating my magnificent persona, but it the situation forces me to remark upon the fact that you will not find a better candidate than yours truly.

I beg thee, beseech thee even, to grant up onto this humble soul an admission.

Thanks,
Xumlelo Pmabngwa

Jaataka Tales

2008-03-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, while me and my roommate were chilling at Kaushik's place, for some reason the discussion turned to kunDlis and horoscopes. (Were we drunk? yes.) That got me thinking: What's in store for me in life? Will I live a hundred years and rule the world (my secret ambition) or will I die a destitute at 28? Will I ever work up the courage to ask Maalavika out? If I do, will she say yes? The answers to all this is of course in my jaataka!

Ancient Indian saadhus, using techniques unknown to modern man, figured out that the position of the planets at birth indeed determined a person's fate. In the old days, you would have to go to some sleazy old pandit to get yours done, but software has now taken his place. So firing up the mighty Google, I found Horoscope Explorer^TM, which claimed that it was the most comprehensive software available. And the trial version could be used up to 120 times! (Seriously. Who wants to use it more than 120 times? And it's easy to crack.) After I entered all my information, I wait for 5 minutes and lo-and-behold! a 43 page PDF document. Wow, they weren't kidding about being comprehensive. So what does my future say?

First few pages were general gibberish, so let's skip to the main kunDli.

I don't know what this means, but it's obviously important. Those boxes are called "houses" I think, and that's where the planets are placed. The first thing I noticed is "Plu" which I think stands for Pluto. Should Pluto be here, since it's now a dwarf planet? But since even non-existent planets like Rahu and Ketu affect us, we might as well include Pluto!

So what do the planets have in store for me? Let me list out some of the predictions of the PDF report and see how well they match with reality:

You will have a sober mind, good judgment and a quick intellect.

This is so true! I indeed have a quick mind, sober judgment and good intellect.

According to your Horoscope, you will have a tall, upright and well-proportioned figure.

Woah! Eerily accurate!

You will achieve a good level of education and will hold a Bachelor's degree at least.

Three out of Three! This horoscope is amazingly correct!

You will be of athletic build and will be fond of athletics and other expeditious activities.

Yes, I am ... no, wait, I'm not athletic. As a friend of mine says, I can't even jump 2 feet over my house gate.

Although you will have an out-going nature and will become very popular.

Eh? An extrovert, me? No chance!

Your zodiacal sign has governance over genito-urinary system, external generative organs, excretory system, cervix, coccyx and prostrate gland. These are your vulnerable areas.

OK, Must take good care of that.

Fortunes you will obtain after marriage, and through inheritance from deceased ladies.

Super! Now I can increase my dowry demand. Hmm do I have any rich female relatives I can kill?

Your chart indicates that you will have late marriage.

This seems likely to be true. :( Well, better late than never.

You should therefore need to take precautions and you are better advised to mend your style of running with heavy fuel.

What?

As the 9th is the 12th from the 9th, you may not be very fortunate;

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary: come again?

Edit: I've got this! For any cyclic group Z_n under addition modulo n, if x ε Z_n, x = x + n. The zodiac is of course Z₁₂.

your spouse might oppose you and so might do some of your friends.

"do some of my friends"? That adulterous bitch!

then you may even think of having a second marriage or continue to have illicit relationship(s).

Ah! then it is OK.

you may suffer from embarrassing diseases like dropsy of the scrotum

err.

You will feed several persons particularly brahmins, a high caste among the human beings.

I think the (Brahmin) astrologer put this in every jaataka. No wonder brahmins are so fat.

Period after the age of 38 years will mark all-round success and prosperity.

Super! Only 13 more years to go. I can finally afford a PlayStation3 in 2021.

If you are a female and Jupiter is not well-placed in your chart, then you may have difficult child-birth.

Thank God I'm male!

You should take more of leeks, radishes, garlic, ginger and ginseng.

Fuck, I hate radish. But if the stars say so...

You may take 8 to 12 Rattis of RED CORAL in a Silver ring which should be worn on right hand ring finger on a Tuesday -- after mid-day.

That goes into my shopping list. Hmmm ... Does Wal-mart keep corals?

You will become rich through business, by dealing in things required by females.

But I have a PhD in theoretical computer science! Do women really need ε-biased Psuedo random generators?

Note: I don't actually believe in jaatakas or dowries. And no, I don't know anyone called Maalavika.

Sakku Sakku Sakku...

2008-02-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome to colloquial class by ~~Miss Lingo Leela~~ Priyananda, a diligent teacher and propagator of the local language. Today we will learn some fine examples of kannada poetry. This melodious and meaningful song is from Snehana Preetina, a recent popular kannada movie.

First we will watch the video

Hi Res version: stage6
This song was chosen because its lyrics are pleasing at the same time profound. I will explain the lyrics of the song by translating it to English. After that you will all agree what a wonderful song this is.

Lyrics:
a sakku sakku sakku
a sakku sakku sakku

na na na nai nai nai
no no no no no no

nee sikku sakku sakku
you meet me, sakku sakku

na na na nai nai nai
no no no no no no

ninna mooti gE, ah nice nice nice
for your face, ah nice nice nice

facekaTTigE, ah nice nice nice
for your face cut, ah! nice nice nice

namma story naagE naavE hero neenE heroinu!
In our story, we are the heroes and you are the heroine!

ninna galla, subhanalla
your cheeks, God have mercy!

adaa yella, muddE bella
your face is like balls of jaggery!

sonTa noDu, ragi milla
see your waist, it's like a raagi mill!

nee junu LKG du frock, haakonDu koDtiyallE shocku!
You are wearing LKG frock, and giving me a shock!

baayalli beraLiTre kacchokE barada huDugi paapa
You are so innocent that if i put my fingers in your mouth, you wouldn't even know how to bite them!

ivaLenu gol gumbaz tunDa?
Is she a piece of the Gol Gumbaz?

kashmiri apple ivaLa frienda?
Is the Kashmiri Apple a friend of hers?

usso! oLu biDabeDa, yappo! kivi chuchabeDa
usso! don't lie, yappo! dont peirce my ears

sikkorge naanu seerunDe aagolla naan
I will not become a sweetdish to he who finds me

naDe noDu naaTi pairu, saaniyaru sava seru
look at her walk, like a young bird! Who is Saniya? She is quarter pound.

ee shastri aada ninna daasa
This Shastri became your servent

ee soma ninge lace-a?
This Soma is the lace of your shoe

ninna toLuku, ninna chiluku, namage hariva varege beLaku
your glamour, your bubbliness, let your light be upon us until forever

midnightalli banda mona lisa
The mona lisa who came at night

heLamma class-a illa mass-a
Are you for the classes or for the masses?

usso! siDabeDa, yappo! jal haakbeDa
usso! don't explode, yappo! dont put a net!

ee sakku haNNu sikkare, maiyella baayi!
if you get this Sakku fruit, your body will become a mouth!

Women in contemporary kannada slang

2008-02-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

Young men, driven by hormones and their own innate base nature, often think of women in an impure manner. This results in the addition of a plethora of crude terms describing women in almost every colloquial language. This blog post is a scholarly review of some such words in kannaDa. Each word is accompanied by a brief description and an example of usage.

item : a prime example for the objectification of women in modern society.
Eg: maga, nam classnalli ondu bombaat item idaaLe, urvashi anta.

piger : a crude corruption of the word 'figure'. Usually used to describe good looking girls, it is sometimes used to describe snobbish or haughty women also.
Eg: aa veeNa doDDa piger taraa aaDtidaaLe.

dove: dove is a term given to a girl whom the guy fancies. Note the analogy to a white(representing innocence) bird(representing that she is out of reach).
Eg: naveen dove sumati gE maduvE fix aaytantE!

aunty: This is a derogatory term used for older women. Sometimes used for younger women who act in a mature way or dress conservatively.
Eg: pakkad manE aunty kenchangE kaNNu hoDdlantE!

Dagaar: This term was popularized by the vile and crude Jaggesh movie called tarlE nan magaa. A Dagaar is a female with loose morals. If a girl wears even slightly revealing clothes, she is labeled a Dagaar.
Eg: aa Dagaar geetha mini skirt haakonDu hogtidaaLe, swalpa nu maana maryaadE idya?

gowramma: In contrast to Dagaar, a gowramma is one who wears too conservative clothes and acts in an old-fashioned manner. Often used to describe rural women.
Eg: aa gowramma noDu, disco-gu seerE haakonDu bartaaLe.

bomb,paTaki: literally means 'explosive'. used for 'mind blowing' women.
Eg: aa film-nalli yaana gupta full bomb, magaa!

maal: yet another example of women being considered as sex objects. means 'goods for sale'.
Eg: forumnalli sakkataagiro maal noDdE, full sexy aagidlu!

petromax: used rarely. means mistress. made popular by the 'golmaal' movies of Anantnag.
Eg: iro ondu henDtina saakakke kaasilla avanigE, petromax bErE keDu!

hakki,bulbul,myna: various words which refer to birds.
Eg: MCC college mundE hakkigaLannu noDta idde, ashTralli police bandu baida!

If you know of any others, add them in the comments.

Fully prepared for Valentine's Day 2008

2008-02-13T17:37:00.001-08:00

Music I'm listening to ...

2007-07-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

1. Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

2. Marianne Faithfull - As Tears go by

3. Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby McGee

4. The Who - Baba O Riley(Teenage Wasteland)

5. Lou Reed - Sweet Jane

The biggest literary conspiracy .. ever.

2007-07-17T03:42:00.000-07:00

As Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows rolls out of stores officially on July 21, 2007, I thought that it was inevitable that a copy will leak out in the week before that. After all, more than 20 million copies are shipped to some 60 countries, making it extremely likely that someone gets tempted and breaks the seal.

In late June, a "hacker" called Gabriel claimed that he had hacked into Bloomsbury, and gotten hold of the manuscript. But the spoilers he gave out were so far fetched that nobody believed him.

Around July 13, I came across a livejournal post which had photos of the book. The Table of Contents, the first page of the first chapter and the epilogue were posted. The photos looked exceedingly real, and the contents very believable. The TOC was very convincing, but the epilogue read like an amateur fanfic. I was initially skeptical, but when the whole book was photographed and uploaded, I was convinced that this was the real deal.

That was until I saw the second TOC.

Yes, another scan with the table of contents surfaced online. And it looked ... real. As real as the first one. With completely different chapters. The photoshop experts in the PortKey and SA forums analyzed this one( as they had analyzed the earlier one) and found no traces of photoshopping.

It is important to note that both these photographs were of legit looking books. If fake, the creator would have to actually print out the fake contents on the correct size paper, bind it into a book of appropriate thickness, cover it with a high-res color printout of the cover-jacket on glossy paper. The faker is no amateur. The artwork, page numbers, page layout style, font etc exactly match the actual books.

Today(July 16), it got worse: A video surfaced. Two guys, apparently working for Borders bookstore, go into a vault inside some store. There he takes a copy of the book, very authentic looking, and opens the page where they show the copyright etc. The contents of the page and the ISBN number all match with known information. Behind him are the boxes in which these books are shipped, together with a "DONOT OPEN TILL JULY 21" sticker. Then the person tells the major plot-points of the book. And .... these points have nothing to do with the two leaked versions of the book.
The setting of this video is very believable. There is no doubt that they are in an actual bookstore surrounded by actual boxes of harry potter. So these guys at least had access to the book, if nothing else.

The word going around in the forums is ... all of them are fakes. Extremely good fakes , so good that its unlikely that some fan created them for fun. Is it too far fetched to think that the publishers of the book leaked these fakes to confuse those who are trying to spoil the show?
Creating realistic-looking fakes would be very easy for the publishers.

So which one, if any, of the leaks is true? Is this the biggest and most elaborate hoax ever done in the history of publishing? Or is it just a big conspiracy theory with no basis?

I guess we'll find out on July 21,2007.

2007-07-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to do all unique jumps in GTA:Vice City ... in a bus.

I passed WOMBAT Level III

2007-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah!

2007-03-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

A day in my life

2007-02-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

There is this recurring trend I've seen in blogland, of writing detailed accounts of random inconsequential events which happened to the author on a particular day. Not wanting to break this hallowed and sacred tradition, I am posting this blog post detailing the wonderful and utterly pointless things which took place on February 25, 2007.

7:30 - 9:00 AM
I woke up and did all the things which everybody does when they wake up ... atleast the civilized ones anyway.

9:00-10:30 AM
I had planned to attend the A/V quiz conducted as part of the "Under the Peepal Tree". I had made plans with Jayendra and Abesh, two chaps from office, to join me for the quiz. Unfortunately God/Fate/Church of God the Utterly Indifferent didn't want this wonderful union to happen. Both Jayendra and Abesh couldn't attend the quiz for various reasons. Having no enthu to attend the quiz alone, I ditched it and went off.

10:42-11:40 AM
Having nothing in particular to do, I started wandering around the KSCA stadium( where the quiz was being held ). Seeing that Visweswariah museum looked empty, I decided to pay it a visit, even though I had visited it a few days ago. That place never ceases to amaze me! The basement gallery is probably the most underrated part of the museum, you need a keen eye to figure out the beautiful mechanical and probabilistic concepts hidden in the maze of pipes and tubes there.

11:45-12:15 PM
With time on hand, how could I possibly miss going to Cubbon Park? Did all the usual things: ate cotton candy, drank soft-drinks, sat on that big rock wondering about life and the universe.

12:30-1:00 PM
Went over to Blossoms. Found an old and battered copy of The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I would like to mention that I have an extremely garrulous friend who is a big KV fan and keeps extolling the virtues of KV's creations. I decided to check out what the hoopla was all about. Stay tuned for my post regarding what I thought of the novel.

1:00-1:50 PM
Ate lunch at some arbit place. Vegetable Noodles. Not too bad, but expensive. Lousy service.

2:00-3:00 PM
Went back to KSCA to attend the Corporate quiz. The quiz was supposed to start at 2:00 PM but as usual it started only at 3:00. So we had an hour to spend with nothing much to do. Met Ravi Subramanian and Sumeet Shetty, the quizzing Gods of SAP. Ravi as usual had bought some arbit movies and a book called "Unforgettable TV Moments". Unfortunately that book contained neither the Janet Jackson incident nor Street Hawk, so we were slightly disappointed.

3:00-5:00 PM
The prelims of the Corporate quiz "Fine Answers" started. I was attending solo( my team name was "Third Rate Corporate" ). It was my kind of quiz: not many sports questions, a few bangalore questions and a question on Dogbert. I did very well by my standards, getting 13.5. The cut-off unfortunately was 16. I stayed for a few rounds of the finals, noting that the questions were similar to last time's: arbit but entertaining.

5:15-5:40 PM
On a sudden impulse, decided to visit Styx. Thought I'll practice head-banging in preparation of the Maiden concert. I was extremely disappointed to say the least. The kind of music they played was serious CRAP. The songs had less of metal in them than a chunk of wood. No wonder that majority of the people there were couples. Disgusted, I finished my stuff in some 20 minutes and was out. I'm getting a shirt printed out saying "STYX SUX" and will wear that on various occasions to warn people.

5:40-6:30 PM
Went home on an auto. Was too bored to board a BMTC bus, 'coz at that time, finding a decently empty bus is akin to finding nirvana in a strip club.

6:30-7:30 PM
Since my mum wasn't in town, I took upon the mighty task of preparing rice. My earlier attempts at this have had a few failures, so I was relieved to see that the rice was edible. Yeah! I can cook!

That was an (exciting) day in the day of the Incipient Megalomaniac. Who said only bungee-jumpers and F-22 pilots had interesting days?

EddFest : Bangalore!

2007-02-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

Most metal aficionados would know this by now, but here it goes anyway.

Iron Maiden is visiting Bangalore on the 17th of March as part of their A Matter of Life And Death World Tour.

The concert will happen at Palace Grounds. Tickets are priced at Rs 1500/- and Rs 900/-. Tickets can be reserved online or bought at Planet M at a later date.

Crazy Little Thing called Love ... Part I

2007-02-13T07:38:00.000-08:00

In this post, I am going to make fun of that wonderful human emotion called Love. I know that my post will cause a lot of anger and turmoil, eventually triggering World War III and causing the extinction of humankind, but being the insensitive jerk that I am, I'll post it anyway.

Love was invented in 392 BC by a poor Roman farmer called Cupidicus Moronus. The fact that he was named Cupidicus Moronus has no relevance to this story. In fact, the story would remain the same if his name was Brad Pitt or Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer. Actually, lets call him Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer, to make him more appealing to our Indian readers. Especially Tam Brams. Especially that one Tam Bram who is sure to read this nonsense post and laugh.

Before 392 BC, life was simple for a male human being. His interaction with the female members of the species was limited to two phrases: 'I'm hungry' and 'I'm horny'. This simple and straightforward strategy had worked well for centuries, helped by the occasional use of the club to convince reluctant women. Unfortunately, by 392 BC, the effectiveness of this strategy was rapidly declining. After centuries of subservience, women were increasingly reluctant to serve men any longer. Modern historians attribute this change in behavior to the rise in postmodernistic existential right-winged trends in the early-late roman feminist philosophy. I believe that women just got tired of being clubbed on the head.

In February 392 BC, women openly rebelled. Which essentially meant that they stopped cooking, and started shopping. That was a very serious problem for the men of those days, who barely could eat their own food, let alone cook it. Several men of course, scorned at the idea that men couldn't cook. If a woman could do it, they said, so can we. Needless to say, these men were totally, horribly wrong.

Anyway, after a few dozen men had died in domestic disasters, the men of the world finally decided that women were indespensible and a truce with them was the only possible way out of this mess. Women, unsurprisingly, were not so keen to patch up with men. After all, they had suffered under the hands of men, and were quite enjoying the freedom they now had.

(A few of my more astute readers would be asking see how all this has anything to do with Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer inventing Love. Bear with me here.)

Desperate times call for desperate measures, the men decided. The men formed a delegation and approached Alexander The Great,( yes, the same chap who had conquered 2.8% of Earth yet called himself "Ruler of the World" ) for a solution of this problem. Unfortunately being gay, he was the most unsuitable man to woo women. Not that he didn't try of course, but women were just not his thing.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for men ... it got worse. When Barcelona beat Spain in the Italian Serie A, what began as a friendly headbutting contest soon turned into a bloody global war. Then that unfortunate mixup at the hunting club left thousands of men dead.

The end result of all this was that when Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer woke up on that cold morning of February 13, 392 BC, he was, literally, the last man on earth.

(To be continued....)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2006-12-22T19:21:00.000-08:00

On the 21st of December, I was randomly browsing, when I chanced upon a news post on http://mugglenet.com saying that the door in the secret section of http://jkrowling.com can be opened. This really piqued my interest, because that door usually opens to reveal something significant. And I was not disappointed. A few clicks and a hangman puzzle later, the title of the seventh Harry Potter book was revealed: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

An interesting tit bit about the release date of the title. In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, we hear parts of a prophecy during the fight in the Hall of Prophecy: "...at the solstice will come a new... and none will come after...". December 21 is the Winter Solstice. And since this is the last book, "none will come after". Coincidence? I don't think so.

Everybody has their own theories about the title. Here is mine. In this context, "Hallows" is a noun and "Deathly" is an adjective. One possible interpretation is that the title talks about "Hallows" which are deathly, i.e. caused by death.

What does hallow mean then? The POD defines "hallow" as a verb meaning "to make holy; to revere or respect". That doesn't make much sense when applied to the title. But I came across another definition of Hallows in http://www.mystical-www.co.uk/arthuriana2z/h.htm :

Hallows

The Hallows across most legends are seen to represent the royal regalia carried by the King, or the objects sought by someone such as a 'Grail Quester' in both ancient and modern stories.

This makes perfect sense if you replace "Hallow" with "Horcrux". Since the horcruxes are objects belonging to the founders( almost royalty in the wizarding world ), and Harry is seeking these objects, it all fits in. But why give a new name to something which already has a name?

The other possible interpretation is that "Deathly Hallows" is the name of a place.

Bye for now. Expect more HP&TDH related posts.

Interesting C program

2006-12-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

just try this c program:


#include <stdio.h>
double m[]= {7709179928849219.0, 771};
int main(){
 m[1]-- ? m[0]*=2 , main(): printf(m);
}

source: Kawigi.

An OGRE called AGRE

2006-11-04T00:54:00.000-08:00

Finally finished with my Advanced Graduate Record Examination(AGRE), the specialized version of GRE. I was completely unprepared for the exam, and the only revision I had done was a cursory glance at the model paper. Therefore I was pleasantly surprized by the paper, which turned out be quite easy. That is no gaurantee, of course, that I'll get a good score; There are a million possible ways in which I might have goofed up. But I was happy with my performance, because I solved quite a few questions on logic alone, without knowing or remembering something.

That is the last exam I take this year(Phew!). Now comes the tedious and boring part of creating the application packets and mailing them. My bank balance is sure to take a phenomenal hit this month.

Anyway, after the apping process is done, I will be relatively free for the next few months. I promise to post more often( as I have promised many times in the past :) ).

Bye for now,

Arbit Post...

2006-04-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

A certain friend of mine and me were discussing (and cussing) about the state of affairs, when we stumbled upon the fact that we both found sidin very funny. That got me thinking; If only I had a blog, I'd be famous and have lots of chicks drooling over my posts.

It took me three days to remember that I already had a blog, which I hadn’t updated in 2 years. Well, so much for spontaneous thinking.

What makes a blog tick? What is that one element, that one ingredient in the literary recipe of a successful blog which turns ordinary dough into a gourmet's delight?

The answer is: humor. I like funny blogs; if fact, those are the only ones I like. And I'm not alone when I say that funny blogs get a large number of hits. Nothing alleviates the routine boredom at work than reading a vinodg or sidin post.

By now, my slow-but-persistent mind had figured out the important equation: funny post == popular blog == lots of drooling chicks. So now how do I write a funny post? Simple, do what every author since Shakespeare had done: plagiarize.

Stealing is an art. Sorry, that’s not correct: stealing without getting caught is an art. Now, that was a problem, because my knowledge of art is abysmally low. I once mistook the Mona Lisa for the poster of the movie "Kalasipalya". But I was not to be deterred by some small thing like utter incompetence.

So begins the blog saga of the Tall King who, like the viking Erik Hender Klassen Punddig Oesterd Bjorgun, set out on doing something where there is 0.00009% of success. Watch out for funny, irreverent, stupid, malicious and plain old naughty posts. And try to guess where I stole them from, if you're clever.

And now for something completely different, a nice picture of Laetitia Casta:

Chronicles of Chennai: The Voyage of the Crazy Quizzers

2006-04-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

Whats common to The Trojan War , 9 SAP Labs Employees in Chennai and a bookstore which claims to be one of India's biggest bookstore chains?The answer is: Odyssey. What follows is a (slightly dramatized) ( hyped-up )( completely fictional ) account of what happened during the Odyssey Quiz 2006.

The day of 26th January dawned upon us. To an unsuspecting eye, the morning of 26th was quite similar to the morning of the 24th, a little chillier maybe. But that day was the day when the brave knights of the Priory of SAP, donned their armour and set out on a quest, the quest for the Quizzing Glory.

There were 9 of us, 3 teams of 3. The first, and by far the strongest was the team Immaculate Misconception( Ravi Subramanian, P Rajesh and Vinay Shenoy ). Then we had the Dude, Where's My Answer?( Ila Gore, Jayendra Bisnik, Rohit Jaiswal ). Last but not the least FAQ: Frequently Attending Quizzes( Abhishek Ramanathan, Pranav K Wankawala, Priyananda Shenoy ).

The morning started in a hectic fashion, with Vinay and Ila racing against time on an auto and made it with about 30 seconds to spare. The train we booked was the Shatabdi Express, known for its punctuality. Once the train started, things got smoother. Ravi, Vinay and me had seats together, and soon we fell into a deep and spiritual discussion about the nature of reality and the quintessential contradiction of existence … or maybe we just cribbed about the lack of females in the compartment, I don’t remember.

At 11:00, the train wound its way into a cavernous lair of gargantuan proportions, called the Chennai Railway station.(This was the first time the author had visited the jewel of the South, the bustling city of Chennai, so you must forgive his exuberance here). From there, we caught a bus ( yes, a real chennai local bus! ) to the spot that is sacred to every bookworm, Landmark.

Many a joyous minutes we spent there, surrounded by tonnes of books, CDs and other useless stuff. Ravi added to his already HUGE collection of movie vcd/dvd by buying 20+ movies. The author himself couldn't resist the temptation, and satiated himself by buying a couple of books and one game ( Far Cry: What a game ! ).

Driven by hunger, we then proceeded to a restaurant whose name I don’t remember, and gorged ourselves. Lunch was a fun-filled affair, admist much leg pulling and teasing. Andre Agassi seemed to be the hot topic of discussion, for reasons I wont mention here ;).

After Lunch we landed up at the gates of the Chennai Music Academy, which was the venue of our interrogation … er, I mean quiz. Much to my dismay, the place was already crowded, chock full of guys who looked like they quizzed for a living. D'Oh! There's Arul Mani. There's Avinash Mudaliar! These guys had been quizzing for a zillion years now, and probably Knew half of wikipedia by heart.

After much squeezing, shoving and rude gestures, we finally made it into the auditorium. (Queue? Wake up, people … this is India ). There we were treated to half an hour of pointless Music. At last the quiz began. The quizmaster was a doctor( a pediatrician, a fact that would come in handy for one of the questions later ). Standard Prelims format: 30 questions, 30 minutes.

Our team did a decent performance( by our standards ). We got 12, out of 30. Ila and co did a bit better: 14. But the stud team obviously did very well, getting 21. After a delay of 15 minutes, the quiz master started announcing the finalists: Arul Mani and co … Avinash Mudaliar and co … Ravi Subramanian and co … Hooray! They had qualified! They defeated teams like QED( last years winners ) to qualify for the finals, out of over 850 teams !!! This was surely a feat to remember!

They started out well, and were at position 2 at the end of the first two rounds. Arul Mani, the omniscient God of Bangalore quizzing, decided to entertain the audience by answering every question with "Ozone Layer Depletion", until the quizmaster gave him a Rs 250/- coupon to shut up.

All good things come to an end; it was unfortunate that this good thing came to an end after the second round. IM then lost their momentum and ended up in the last place. The winners were some kids from Hyderabad( I might be wrong ). After that intial silly show, Arul Mani gave us ample demonstrations of why he is the God of quizzing by cracking every question to finish second.

After the quiz was over, Ravi and co slowly came back to ground after that unforgettable experience. We had dinner at Kabul, paid for by the benevolent Rajesh P( Way to go, Uncle! ).

All in all, it was an enjoyable experience. I hope to repeat this next year as well. I urge All quizzers out there to attend such quizzes in the future. Winning is not important, but the experience we get is priceless.

2005-03-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

This is amazing

2005-03-15T00:07:00.000-08:00

Move your mouse here, if you want to attain true nirvana

Suicide

2005-02-19T09:56:00.001-08:00

If I ever commit suicide, This is the song I'll use as my suicide note


Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye 

[Metallica: Fade To Black]

First Post

2005-01-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about Death recently. The Finality of it. The sheer power of death, destroying what life had taken years to create, in an instant. Death is the only constant in life, an unescapable vortex into which we are drawn, without pause, without fail.


The faint blaze of the candle of my life,

slowly dying like a fire in a pouring rain.

No sparks of hope inside,

no shooting stars on my sky.

On broken wings, no flying height...



Another night, another demise,

Cadaverous wind blowing cold as ice...

I`ll let the wind blow out the light

cuz its gets more painful every time i die.



Out of strenght to fight.

I cannot take another night.

I cannot take it no more.

Lust of light slips through my fingers

like blood on my arms.

Black candle wax has buried me...



Another night, another demise,

Cadaverous wind blowing cold as ice...

I`ll let the wind blow out the light

cuz its gets more painful every time i die.



[Children of Bodom:Every Time I die]