Jaataka Tales

A few nights ago, while me and my roommate were chilling at Kaushik's place, for some reason the discussion turned to kunDlis and horoscopes. (Were we drunk? yes.) That got me thinking: What's in store for me in life? Will I live a hundred years and rule the world (my secret ambition) or will I die a destitute at 28? Will I ever work up the courage to ask Maalavika out? If I do, will she say yes? The answers to all this is of course in my jaataka!

Ancient Indian saadhus, using techniques unknown to modern man, figured out that the position of the planets at birth indeed determined a person's fate. In the old days, you would have to go to some sleazy old pandit to get yours done, but software has now taken his place. So firing up the mighty Google, I found Horoscope Explorer^TM, which claimed that it was the most comprehensive software available. And the trial version could be used up to 120 times! (Seriously. Who wants to use it more than 120 times? And it's easy to crack.) After I entered all my information, I wait for 5 minutes and lo-and-behold! a 43 page PDF document. Wow, they weren't kidding about being comprehensive. So what does my future say?

First few pages were general gibberish, so let's skip to the main kunDli.

I don't know what this means, but it's obviously important. Those boxes are called "houses" I think, and that's where the planets are placed. The first thing I noticed is "Plu" which I think stands for Pluto. Should Pluto be here, since it's now a dwarf planet? But since even non-existent planets like Rahu and Ketu affect us, we might as well include Pluto!

So what do the planets have in store for me? Let me list out some of the predictions of the PDF report and see how well they match with reality:

You will have a sober mind, good judgment and a quick intellect.

This is so true! I indeed have a quick mind, sober judgment and good intellect.

According to your Horoscope, you will have a tall, upright and well-proportioned figure.

Woah! Eerily accurate!

You will achieve a good level of education and will hold a Bachelor's degree at least.

Three out of Three! This horoscope is amazingly correct!

You will be of athletic build and will be fond of athletics and other expeditious activities.

Yes, I am ... no, wait, I'm not athletic. As a friend of mine says, I can't even jump 2 feet over my house gate.

Although you will have an out-going nature and will become very popular.

Eh? An extrovert, me? No chance!

Your zodiacal sign has governance over genito-urinary system, external generative organs, excretory system, cervix, coccyx and prostrate gland. These are your vulnerable areas.

OK, Must take good care of that.

Fortunes you will obtain after marriage, and through inheritance from deceased ladies.

Super! Now I can increase my dowry demand. Hmm do I have any rich female relatives I can kill?

Your chart indicates that you will have late marriage.

This seems likely to be true. :( Well, better late than never.

You should therefore need to take precautions and you are better advised to mend your style of running with heavy fuel.

What?

As the 9th is the 12th from the 9th, you may not be very fortunate;

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary: come again?

Edit: I've got this! For any cyclic group Z_n under addition modulo n, if x ε Z_n, x = x + n. The zodiac is of course Z₁₂.

your spouse might oppose you and so might do some of your friends.

"do some of my friends"? That adulterous bitch!

then you may even think of having a second marriage or continue to have illicit relationship(s).

Ah! then it is OK.

you may suffer from embarrassing diseases like dropsy of the scrotum

err.

You will feed several persons particularly brahmins, a high caste among the human beings.

I think the (Brahmin) astrologer put this in every jaataka. No wonder brahmins are so fat.

Period after the age of 38 years will mark all-round success and prosperity.

Super! Only 13 more years to go. I can finally afford a PlayStation3 in 2021.

If you are a female and Jupiter is not well-placed in your chart, then you may have difficult child-birth.

Thank God I'm male!

You should take more of leeks, radishes, garlic, ginger and ginseng.

Fuck, I hate radish. But if the stars say so...

You may take 8 to 12 Rattis of RED CORAL in a Silver ring which should be worn on right hand ring finger on a Tuesday -- after mid-day.

That goes into my shopping list. Hmmm ... Does Wal-mart keep corals?

You will become rich through business, by dealing in things required by females.

But I have a PhD in theoretical computer science! Do women really need ε-biased Psuedo random generators?

Note: I don't actually believe in jaatakas or dowries. And no, I don't know anyone called Maalavika.