In this post, I am going to make fun of that wonderful human emotion called Love. I know that my post will cause a lot of anger and turmoil, eventually triggering World War III and causing the extinction of humankind, but being the insensitive jerk that I am, I'll post it anyway.
Love was invented in 392 BC by a poor Roman farmer called Cupidicus Moronus. The fact that he was named Cupidicus Moronus has no relevance to this story. In fact, the story would remain the same if his name was Brad Pitt or Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer. Actually, lets call him Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer, to make him more appealing to our Indian readers. Especially Tam Brams. Especially that one Tam Bram who is sure to read this nonsense post and laugh.
Before 392 BC, life was simple for a male human being. His interaction with the female members of the species was limited to two phrases: 'I'm hungry' and 'I'm horny'. This simple and straightforward strategy had worked well for centuries, helped by the occasional use of the club to convince reluctant women. Unfortunately, by 392 BC, the effectiveness of this strategy was rapidly declining. After centuries of subservience, women were increasingly reluctant to serve men any longer. Modern historians attribute this change in behavior to the rise in postmodernistic existential right-winged trends in the early-late roman feminist philosophy. I believe that women just got tired of being clubbed on the head.
In February 392 BC, women openly rebelled. Which essentially meant that they stopped cooking, and started shopping. That was a very serious problem for the men of those days, who barely could eat their own food, let alone cook it. Several men of course, scorned at the idea that men couldn't cook. If a woman could do it, they said, so can we. Needless to say, these men were totally, horribly wrong.
Anyway, after a few dozen men had died in domestic disasters, the men of the world finally decided that women were indespensible and a truce with them was the only possible way out of this mess. Women, unsurprisingly, were not so keen to patch up with men. After all, they had suffered under the hands of men, and were quite enjoying the freedom they now had.
(A few of my more astute readers would be asking see how all this has anything to do with Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer inventing Love. Bear with me here.)Desperate times call for desperate measures, the men decided. The men formed a delegation and approached Alexander The Great,( yes, the same chap who had conquered 2.8% of Earth yet called himself "Ruler of the World" ) for a solution of this problem. Unfortunately being gay, he was the most unsuitable man to woo women. Not that he didn't try of course, but women were just not his thing.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for men ... it got worse. When Barcelona beat Spain in the Italian Serie A, what began as a friendly headbutting contest soon turned into a bloody global war. Then that unfortunate mixup at the hunting club left thousands of men dead.
The end result of all this was that when Loganathan Venkateshulu Kuppuswamy Iyyer woke up on that cold morning of February 13, 392 BC, he was, literally, the last man on earth.
(To be continued....)
