Saturday, July 19, 2014

Flaw in Pythagoras Theorem: All of Math is Wrong

The International Mathematics Association issued a statement today stating that a flaw has been found in the proof of the Pythagoras theorem. Since the theorem was a fundamental pillar on which all of math was based on, the statement cautioned against using any math until a different proof was found. The statement urged people to remain calm and not give in to fear and panic.

The flaw was discovered by Satish K. of 7th Std 'C' Section, a student at the Rajajinagar Parent's Association School in Bangalore, India. "The first time I saw the proof in the textbook, I knew something was wrong. The book said AB = CD while clearly it was AC = BD".

Leading mathematician Terrence Tao of UCLA admitted that he was surprised no one found the obvious flaw till now. "No one in 2500 years bothered to check the proof. Pythagoras - he was a legend, and everyone sort-of took his word for it". Tao praised the diligence of Satish, and assured that he would be given a Fields medal.

Panic on the streets

The announcement triggered a worldwide panic as people began to realize how much math they used in everyday life. Vegetable vendor Krishnappa had to take the drastic step of selling only one vegetable at a time. "I only give one customer one potato or one tomato. Any more would involve addition, which I don't trust". Gowramma, a housewife, was crying because she didn't know how many children she had. "I used to have two kids, and I just had a daughter. But is two plus one three? Maybe it is seven. Who knows?"

Mathematicians beaten by Angry mob

Events took an ugly turn when activists of the Association of People Who Failed in II PUC Maths, a non-profit organization, broke into the math department of Bangalore University and began to beat up the lecturers there. "It is their fault we are in this mess. Justice must be meted". Police rushed to the scene but were unable to save some of the lecturers. "We don't know how many died, because we are afraid to count. "

Compensation for anyone injured by math

Karnataka Chief Minister Siddaramaiah announced a sum of Rs 1 lakh to anyone who was affected by maths. "We offer our deepest condolences to those affected by this tragedy." The opposition however condemned this act as inadequate. "What good is money to a victim of maths?".

Stock Trading Suspended

All major stock exchanges stopped trading after the announcement was made. A spokesperson for the NYSE stated that they were reviewing whether they used any math in their trading algorithms. The Bombay Stock Exchange however remained open citing the fact that Indian investors relied more on blind luck rather than any logic, and thus were unaffected.

Sonu Niigaam to change his name back

Popular singer Sonu Niigaam changed his name back to Sonu Nigam after the incident. In spite of his numerologist assuring him that no math was involved, Sonu wasn't convinced. "I went to school. I remember us learning numbers in maths. How can you trust numbers?"


Monday, May 19, 2014

Famous Five 2014

"Ah! Anne made it just in time. This storm is getting rough, they will close the bridge any time now", George said as she got up to open the door.

Julian moved closer to the window. He watched a blonde in a mini-skirt and high heels get out of the car - was that really Anne? He remembered reading about her modeling career, but he had trouble imagining timid plain old Anne as the same woman in front of him.

He would be meeting the old gang after almost two decades - those friends who had meant so much to him in his childhood had drifted apart as they had grown older. It was George who had called for a reunion, an invitation which Julian had quickly accepted.

"Julian, sweetheart" Anne kissed him on the cheek "You look good for a cripple". Julian laughed, moving his wheelchair closer to the fire. "You don't look so bad yourself" he quipped.

"Hello Julian and ... wow, is that you Anne?" Julian turned around to find Dick lounging around. Dick looked bad - unshaven, with red blood shot eyes and a faint scent of Whiskey in his breath. Dick looked like he just came out of prison, which given his history was more than likely.

George joined in from the Kitchen. "Anne, Dick - make yourself at home." George was ... well, George. She was the only one who hadn't changed much, Julian thought, though she was definitely mellower. She had found a fair amount of success writing books and making documentaries. "Dad's sleeping upstairs." Quentin Kirrin, the acclaimed scientist was frail, almost 90 years old, but still pottered around with his inventions.

The evening started awkwardly as everyone tried to make small talk, but the conversation got easier as the evening wore on. Over dinner, the gang reminisced about the various escapades they had gotten into. It wasn't until George exclaimed that she had to give her dad medicines at 11:00 pm did anyone notice how long they had been talking.

George came down after a few minutes and showed everyone their bed rooms. "Hey, can you put me next to Anne?", Dick asked. "Way out of your league, dude", George muttered, but nonetheless gave him the room next to her.

What do you want to happen next?

Thursday, May 15, 2014

GRR Martin starts Kickstarter campaign to save Arya Stark

George RR Martin, the author of the popular fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire, today launched a campaign on the crowd-funding website Kickstarter. If the campaign raises $2 million, Martin pledged to not kill Arya Stark, one of the most beloved characters in the series.

Martin released a heavily redacted draft of Arya's fate from the next book of the series, The Winds of Winter. While most of the text is obscured,  what's visible confirmed that Arya would die in a brutal and agonizing manner. "Millions of fans will have their hopes dashed in the most gut-wrenching manner", Martin chuckled, "It'll be another Red Wedding", referring to the infamous event in A Storm of Swords which shocked fans worldwide. "But this time, you can prevent it from happening".

Martin justified the $2 million goal by saying that he would need to rewrite a lot if he saved Arya Stark. "The whole plot depends on Arya's murder. If she doesn't die, I have to throw away all what I've written." Martin also said that donating would show that the fans are serious about Arya. "Anyone can claim to be a fan of Arya Stark, but are they willing to part with their hard earned money for her?"

Maise Williams, who plays Arya in HBO's adaption Game of Thrones, was one of the first to donate. "I read the draft and cried the whole night. I donated $10,000 so that I don't have to act that scene in the show."

While many authors are praising Martin's innovative approach, some are saying that it sets a bad precedent. "This may start a trend for authors to auction the fates of popular characters for money. You might see JK Rowling bring back Sirius Black or Stephanie Meyer killing Bella Swan." lamented author Neil Gaiman.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

NSA finds lost picture of grandma

When a house fire destroyed Lloyd Webster's home years ago, he lost the photo album which contained the only pictures of his grand mother Harriet Jane Tremble. For years he believed that he would never see his grandmother's face again. But when Edward Snowden revealed the details of the PRISM program, Lloyd felt a glimmer of hope. With little expectation, he wrote to the Director of NSA requesting a picture of his grandmother. To his pleasant surprise, he got a reply.

"When we got his request, we were a little surprised, but glad to help", Jack Reacher, PR spokesperson for the NSA told the press. "Luckily for Mr Webster, his grandmother once attended a communist rally in 1953, and had been under surveillance ever since. Once you get on the list, you stay there forever." joked Mr Reacher. The NSA then sent Mr. Webster an album full of photos agents had taken of her over the years. "It did help that Mrs Tremble was an attractive lady, the agents took many photographs of her".

Not all photos released

"We had a lot more than we sent them". Reacher said that officials at the NSA went through all the photos to remove any embarrassing ones. "Harriet was quite the player back in her youth. There is no point in making the family uncomfortable by sending them photos of their grandmother in a bikini, or tell them about that affair she had with an Italian sailor in 1962".

Commercialization

Reacher said that the NSA was in talks with Silicon Valley to monetize the vast amount of information they had collected. "Most of the information we have is useless for catching terrorists. It's just sitting there, eating up space. This episode gave us an idea, why not monetize it? There is a great demand for photos and personal information, especially of dead people."

Today, Lloyd hangs a photo of his grandmother in his living room. "All thanks to NSA", he chirped happily.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Unborn Child Given Nobel Peace Prize

The Swedish Nobel Committee today announced that the 2013 Nobel Peace Price has been awarded to the  unborn male child of Lisa and Drew McLaughlin of Manchester, New Hampshire. The child, who hasn't been given a name yet, was given this award in recognition of the tremendous achievements that he might do, once he is born. The Nobel committee expressed hope that the child would solve world hunger problem and bring peace in the middle east before he turns 10.

The couple, who were thrust suddenly into the limelight, were embarrassed by all the attention, but felt proud  that their son won the award. "He was an unplanned baby, you know. We got really drunk that night and
The only known photo of the Nobel Prize winner
forgot to take precautions. At one point, we even decided to get rid of the baby, but we're very happy that we didn't".

Kiminetji Twakany, the African philanthropist who many thought would win the award this year denied that he was disappointed. "I wish our young friend all the best". Mr Twakany, who had been helping people in war torn areas of Somalia and Sudan for almost 40 years, lost his arms last year while saving a school bus from a landmine.

The baby is due to be born in September, just before the award ceremony in Sweden. In case the baby is not born by the award ceremony, the medal would be surgically inserted into the mother's uterus.

While the Nobel Peace Prize has always been controversial, this year has been especially polarizing. Prominent journalist Nick Greyson wrote on his blog "Great decision by the committee. That kid has a lot of potential. Giving it to Obama on the other hand was a big mistake". Sources report that minutes after the blog post was published, Greyson was arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for National Security reasons.

Notable Feminist, Gloria Estefan, lambasted the choice of the committee, saying that the baby won only because he was a while male. "This is blatant discrimination against blacks and women". Gloria said that she was planning to stage a protest in front of the award ceremony.

While the whole world waits with bated breath for the arrival of the baby, nicknamed "messiah" by some, Lisa and Drew just want it to be over. "I've already made plans for the million dollars we will get as prize". Drew plans to buy a Porsche, and Lisa has pre-ordered dresses from Gucci and Prada.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Evil People sue Google

The Association of Bad and Evil People (ABEP) today filed a suit against software giant Google Inc citing "blatant discrimination against people of evil persuasion". The suit alleged that Google willfully denied rightful employment to otherwise deserving candidates merely on the basis of their evil nature.

We spoke with Adolf Hitler, one of the petitioners mentioned in the lawsuit. Mr Hitler alleged that he was not given a job even though he cleared the notoriously difficult Google hiring process. "I came up with a polynomial time algorithm for the travelling salesman problem, yet they rejected my application. If this is not discrimination, then what is?"

Rajesh Venkataraman, the Googler who interviewed Hitler, denied that his evil nature or his past atrocities had anything to do with his failing the interview. "His solution to the NP-Hard problem involved nuclear weapons and the death of 60 million people. I don't see how that can be done in constant time."

Unlike Mr Hitler, Grigori Rasputin managed to clear the interview, but found the workplace to be a hostile environment. "I just wanted to fit in. But people would avoid me everywhere. It all started when I presented my design doc to my team. My proposal to cheat widows and orphans was deemed too evil."

Google's "Don't be evil" motto is well known, but is increasingly being seen as a hindrance to hiring and retaining gifted employees. Former blood splatter analyst and recent Google employee Dexter Morgan has  given up on his serial killing, after his boss explained that Google's moonlighting policy explicitly forbade murder, but he is not happy about it. "Real life isn't as black-and-white as Google makes out to be ... you sometimes have to do some evil".

The rumor in the grape vine is that senior Google executives are seriously considering adding an exception to the "Don't be evil" rule, allowing each employee up to one murder, two embezzlements and $15,000 in bribes in one year. The company will continue to be strict about the usage of "goto", which it considers to be supremely evil. Google assured us that any employee using goto will be fired immediately and may face a criminal lawsuit against them.

While the rumored changes may appease the borderline psychopaths, the changes are not going to make any difference for the real evil people. "I'm not bitter. I've got a great job offer in New York as a hedge fund broker", Hitler added. Wall St has traditionally been tolerant and even welcoming of evil people. "My next project will be engineering a global recession, I'm really excited about it. I have been promised a big bonus if 50% of the population goes below the poverty line."

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Semiconductors caught in doping scandal

In what people are already describing as The Biggest Scandal of the Year, the World Anti-Doping Agency today accused several prominent semiconductors of using illicit substances to improve their electron-carrying performance. The Agency filed a report this afternoon with the President of the Periodic Table, alleging that these semiconductors willfully and with full knowledge ingested illegal substances to decrease their band-gap. Among the accused are such stalwarts such as Germanium and Gallium, but the biggest shock was the inclusion of Silicon, a veteran of the Electronics industry and the most well-known semiconductor.

Reactions varied from shock and disbelief to cynical I-told-you-so's. Arsenic, a long time companion of Gallium, said that he was shocked by the accusations. "I've known Gall for a long time, this is just unbelievable. I think the Agency has made a mistake".

A Transitional Metal, speaking to us on condition of anonymity, said that he was not surprised by the extent of the doping scandal. "It's an open secret, everyone does it. The business of modern electronics - it's a tough business, this. Fortunes are made or lost by a micro-amp difference. Can you really blame 'em for upping their electron potential?".

It's unclear what the fate will be for the accused. Germanium was already suffering from the effects of the Zener Diode Crash of 2011, and is likely to retire from the semi-conductor business. "Silicon is gonna walk away, you mark my words. The whole electronics industry is based on him - Who do you think they'll replace him with, Carbon? Nah, the big shots always get away with anything, it's the small time players who'll get punished."

The practicing of incorporating illegal substances to enhance some feature is not new or restricted to semiconductors. One of the first public examples of doping was Iron, who was caught using Carbon to improve tensile strength. Iron was further implicated in the use of Chromium to enhance its beauty. But the Group IV had an untarnished reputation till now.