Sunday, August 18, 2013

NSA finds lost picture of grandma

When a house fire destroyed Lloyd Webster's home years ago, he lost the photo album which contained the only pictures of his grand mother Harriet Jane Tremble. For years he believed that he would never see his grandmother's face again. But when Edward Snowden revealed the details of the PRISM program, Lloyd felt a glimmer of hope. With little expectation, he wrote to the Director of NSA requesting a picture of his grandmother. To his pleasant surprise, he got a reply.

"When we got his request, we were a little surprised, but glad to help", Jack Reacher, PR spokesperson for the NSA told the press. "Luckily for Mr Webster, his grandmother once attended a communist rally in 1953, and had been under surveillance ever since. Once you get on the list, you stay there forever." joked Mr Reacher. The NSA then sent Mr. Webster an album full of photos agents had taken of her over the years. "It did help that Mrs Tremble was an attractive lady, the agents took many photographs of her".

Not all photos released

"We had a lot more than we sent them". Reacher said that officials at the NSA went through all the photos to remove any embarrassing ones. "Harriet was quite the player back in her youth. There is no point in making the family uncomfortable by sending them photos of their grandmother in a bikini, or tell them about that affair she had with an Italian sailor in 1962".


Reacher said that the NSA was in talks with Silicon Valley to monetize the vast amount of information they had collected. "Most of the information we have is useless for catching terrorists. It's just sitting there, eating up space. This episode gave us an idea, why not monetize it? There is a great demand for photos and personal information, especially of dead people."

Today, Lloyd hangs a photo of his grandmother in his living room. "All thanks to NSA", he chirped happily.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Unborn Child Given Nobel Peace Prize

The Swedish Nobel Committee today announced that the 2013 Nobel Peace Price has been awarded to the  unborn male child of Lisa and Drew McLaughlin of Manchester, New Hampshire. The child, who hasn't been given a name yet, was given this award in recognition of the tremendous achievements that he might do, once he is born. The Nobel committee expressed hope that the child would solve world hunger problem and bring peace in the middle east before he turns 10.

The couple, who were thrust suddenly into the limelight, were embarrassed by all the attention, but felt proud  that their son won the award. "He was an unplanned baby, you know. We got really drunk that night and
The only known photo of the Nobel Prize winner
forgot to take precautions. At one point, we even decided to get rid of the baby, but we're very happy that we didn't".

Kiminetji Twakany, the African philanthropist who many thought would win the award this year denied that he was disappointed. "I wish our young friend all the best". Mr Twakany, who had been helping people in war torn areas of Somalia and Sudan for almost 40 years, lost his arms last year while saving a school bus from a landmine.

The baby is due to be born in September, just before the award ceremony in Sweden. In case the baby is not born by the award ceremony, the medal would be surgically inserted into the mother's uterus.

While the Nobel Peace Prize has always been controversial, this year has been especially polarizing. Prominent journalist Nick Greyson wrote on his blog "Great decision by the committee. That kid has a lot of potential. Giving it to Obama on the other hand was a big mistake". Sources report that minutes after the blog post was published, Greyson was arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for National Security reasons.

Notable Feminist, Gloria Estefan, lambasted the choice of the committee, saying that the baby won only because he was a while male. "This is blatant discrimination against blacks and women". Gloria said that she was planning to stage a protest in front of the award ceremony.

While the whole world waits with bated breath for the arrival of the baby, nicknamed "messiah" by some, Lisa and Drew just want it to be over. "I've already made plans for the million dollars we will get as prize". Drew plans to buy a Porsche, and Lisa has pre-ordered dresses from Gucci and Prada.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Evil People sue Google

The Association of Bad and Evil People (ABEP) today filed a suit against software giant Google Inc citing "blatant discrimination against people of evil persuasion". The suit alleged that Google willfully denied rightful employment to otherwise deserving candidates merely on the basis of their evil nature.

We spoke with Adolf Hitler, one of the petitioners mentioned in the lawsuit. Mr Hitler alleged that he was not given a job even though he cleared the notoriously difficult Google hiring process. "I came up with a polynomial time algorithm for the travelling salesman problem, yet they rejected my application. If this is not discrimination, then what is?"

Rajesh Venkataraman, the Googler who interviewed Hitler, denied that his evil nature or his past atrocities had anything to do with his failing the interview. "His solution to the NP-Hard problem involved nuclear weapons and the death of 60 million people. I don't see how that can be done in constant time."

Unlike Mr Hitler, Grigori Rasputin managed to clear the interview, but found the workplace to be a hostile environment. "I just wanted to fit in. But people would avoid me everywhere. It all started when I presented my design doc to my team. My proposal to cheat widows and orphans was deemed too evil."

Google's "Don't be evil" motto is well known, but is increasingly being seen as a hindrance to hiring and retaining gifted employees. Former blood splatter analyst and recent Google employee Dexter Morgan has  given up on his serial killing, after his boss explained that Google's moonlighting policy explicitly forbade murder, but he is not happy about it. "Real life isn't as black-and-white as Google makes out to be ... you sometimes have to do some evil".

The rumor in the grape vine is that senior Google executives are seriously considering adding an exception to the "Don't be evil" rule, allowing each employee up to one murder, two embezzlements and $15,000 in bribes in one year. The company will continue to be strict about the usage of "goto", which it considers to be supremely evil. Google assured us that any employee using goto will be fired immediately and may face a criminal lawsuit against them.

While the rumored changes may appease the borderline psychopaths, the changes are not going to make any difference for the real evil people. "I'm not bitter. I've got a great job offer in New York as a hedge fund broker", Hitler added. Wall St has traditionally been tolerant and even welcoming of evil people. "My next project will be engineering a global recession, I'm really excited about it. I have been promised a big bonus if 50% of the population goes below the poverty line."