Sunday, August 07, 2016

Too Late for World War III

The  United Nations Organization for War Taxonomy (UNO-WAT) today announced that the deadline for having World War III was over. Speaking to the press, Secretary Jim Jeffries stated that the next global conflict will be called World War IV.

"There have too many futuristic sci-fi movies, books and video games which talk about a fictional World War III", Jim opined. "We don't want future historians and school students to get confused about how a movie made in 1997 referenced a war that occurred in, say, 2025."

Official Logo for WW4

Jim went on to clarify that the ideal time for World War III would have been late 60s, but the cold war and the space race took all the limelight. "If only the Bay of Pigs had turned out differently ...", Jim reminisced ruefully, referring to the infamous US-Russia stand-off which threatened to turn the cold war hot.

Jim made a plea to world leaders that even the time for WW4 was running out. "We might be forced to abandon World War IV the same way as III if it doesn't start in the next few decades. I've sent personal invitations to Kim Jong Un, Robert Mugabe and other despots to urge them to do something that would trigger the next global conflict. We've had too much peace in the last few years".

Strict Criteria for World War

UNO-WAT published a report detailing the criteria for a conflict to be termed a World War. "We want to prevent some inconsequential war, like some territory dispute between Lichtenstein and Azerbaijan, to be called a World War". Jeffries laid out that to be called a World War, the conflict should meet the following criteria:

  • Should involve at least 160 out of 198 countries.
  • Should result in the death of at least 10% of the World's population.
  • Should contain at least 10 instances of Nuclear weapon use.
Jeffries reminded us that the UNO-WAT was the final judge of World Wars, and only they could make the decision whether a conflict qualified. "It is a great honor to be called a World War, and not something we take lightly."

Joseph Kabila, dictator of Congo, slammed the report, stating that the criteria were blatantly discriminatory towards poor and developing countries. Congo, which doesn't possess any nuclear weapons, would never be able to start a World War, he said. NATO leader General. Krauss opined that the numbers in the report were unrealistic. "10% of today's population is 700 million - that's a lot more than the death toll in World War 2. And 160 countries is hard to reach -  there are a lot of cowardly, peace-loving countries out there."