Sunday, March 10, 2013

Evil People sue Google

The Association of Bad and Evil People (ABEP) today filed a suit against software giant Google Inc citing "blatant discrimination against people of evil persuasion". The suit alleged that Google willfully denied rightful employment to otherwise deserving candidates merely on the basis of their evil nature.

We spoke with Adolf Hitler, one of the petitioners mentioned in the lawsuit. Mr Hitler alleged that he was not given a job even though he cleared the notoriously difficult Google hiring process. "I came up with a polynomial time algorithm for the travelling salesman problem, yet they rejected my application. If this is not discrimination, then what is?"

Rajesh Venkataraman, the Googler who interviewed Hitler, denied that his evil nature or his past atrocities had anything to do with his failing the interview. "His solution to the NP-Hard problem involved nuclear weapons and the death of 60 million people. I don't see how that can be done in constant time."

Unlike Mr Hitler, Grigori Rasputin managed to clear the interview, but found the workplace to be a hostile environment. "I just wanted to fit in. But people would avoid me everywhere. It all started when I presented my design doc to my team. My proposal to cheat widows and orphans was deemed too evil."

Google's "Don't be evil" motto is well known, but is increasingly being seen as a hindrance to hiring and retaining gifted employees. Former blood splatter analyst and recent Google employee Dexter Morgan has  given up on his serial killing, after his boss explained that Google's moonlighting policy explicitly forbade murder, but he is not happy about it. "Real life isn't as black-and-white as Google makes out to be ... you sometimes have to do some evil".

The rumor in the grape vine is that senior Google executives are seriously considering adding an exception to the "Don't be evil" rule, allowing each employee up to one murder, two embezzlements and $15,000 in bribes in one year. The company will continue to be strict about the usage of "goto", which it considers to be supremely evil. Google assured us that any employee using goto will be fired immediately and may face a criminal lawsuit against them.

While the rumored changes may appease the borderline psychopaths, the changes are not going to make any difference for the real evil people. "I'm not bitter. I've got a great job offer in New York as a hedge fund broker", Hitler added. Wall St has traditionally been tolerant and even welcoming of evil people. "My next project will be engineering a global recession, I'm really excited about it. I have been promised a big bonus if 50% of the population goes below the poverty line."