Thursday, February 19, 2009

Valentines Day 2009

Being a boring, asocial geek with no romantic prospects, I didn't have anyone to send V-Day cards to, so I took part in the Something Awful Valentine's Day Card Swap. Basically a bunch of people send out v-day cards to other psuedo-anonymous people for fun. Getting a card from a random person is not the same as from a loved one, but it's the heart I'm trying to fool, not the brain.

Here's what I sent:

Here's what I received:

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mathematician interviews God

Being the creator of the universe, God is usually credited for creating math as well. Despite his busy schedule as the Supreme Being, he agreed to gave an interview to Matt Adler, chief correspondent for the Mathematical Times.

Interviewer: Hi God, how are you?
God: I'm fine, thanks.
Interviewer: Thank you for taking time to give this interview. It means a lot, especially since you hate mathematicians.
God: No, no, I like mathematicians. It's computer scientists I hate.
Interviewer: That brings us nicely to the question which is on everyone's mind. Tell us, is P equal to NP?
God: I don't know.
Interviewer: What? But you're God!
God: Look, it was all a long time ago OK? When I created the universe 15 billion years ago, I had to make a whole lot of decisions. Deciding whether pi should be rational or not took so much time that I just rushed through the other decisions.
Interviewer: So you don't remember?
God: No. I'm waiting just like you for someone to answer that question.
Interviewer: OK .... What about the Reimann Hypothesis?
God: That's just rubbish. Any fool can see that it's blatantly false. Even Reimann knew that.
Interviewer: Then why did he make the conjecture?
God: It was his idea of a joke. I sent him to Hell for that prank.
Interviewer: Do mathematicians usually go to Heaven or Hell?
God: Depends. Discrete mathematicians usually go to Hell.
Interviewer: Why? Is discrete math inherently evil?
God: No, they just have a better discrete math program. Satan is quite keen on it.
Interviewer: What problem do you think mathematicians should work on? Hodge conjecture? Navier Stokes?
God: Those problems are just crap. Don't waste time on those. The only thing worth proving is the Polokski-Meron conjecture.
Interviewer: What? I've never heard of that.
God: Oh, Sorry! That won't be discovered till 2038.
Interviewer: What should people work on till 2038?
God: Take a break from math. Do something else, watch TV, whatever.
Interviewer: Young kids today are losing interest in Mathematics. How can we change this?
God: There should be more sex and violence in math.
Interviewer: Errr...
God: Kids think math is dry, it should be made more exciting. Make a game of it. People who make a false conjecture should be killed gruesomely. And if someone makes a true conjecture and proves it, he should get 10 supermodels as sex slaves.
Interviewer: Thank you for answering our questions, God.
God: My pleasure.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Being a woman is against Indian culture

Pramod Muthalik, leader of the hindu right-wing organization Sri Ram Sena, declared that being a woman is against Indian culture.

Speaking at a crowded public meeting in New Delhi, Muthalik justified his opposition towards women. "We should all try to be Ram. Was Ram a woman? Can a woman ever be Ram?". He urged all the women to renounce their womanly ways and become a man instead.

Misogynists worldwide celebrated this landmark speech from their role model. "Until now, I used to treat my wife with love and care", opined Prakash Kumar, BPO employee, "but Pramodji has opened my eyes. From now on, I will beat my wife everyday".

While Muthalik's speech is seen by many as significant and novel, rural Indians are not impressed. "We'be been beating and burning our women since centuries", says Bhairo Singh, "so what's new?".

Muthalik blamed women for the current global economic turmoil. "Behind every failed economy, there are many women". He said that the only way to solve these problems is by opressing women. " 'Women in Kitchen, making Butter Chicken' is our motto.", he said, "Of course, we at Sri Ram Sena are pure vegetarians, we chose Chicken just because it rhymes with Kitchen."

Feminists worldwide are tired of being outraged at Sri Ram Sena. "You know, right now I am too exhausted to even hate them", complained Arundhati Rai. Rai has been making lace panties on her sewing machine all day long, after Victoria's Secret couldn't meet the demands of the Pink Chaddi campaign. Ironically, Muthalik would have approved of her work-all-day-at-home-sewing-clothes attitude.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

War on Basaveshwarnagar

Reuters Feb 1, 2009

In his first major foreign policy decision after taking oath, US President Barack Obama has declared War on Basaveshwarnagar, an area in the Indian city of Bengaluru.

Speaking at a Special Execute Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, President Obama vowed to bring peace to the people of Basaveshwarnagar. "We will liberate you from tyranny and oppression, and bring democracy to everyone", the Premier announced.

Seven F-22s left the Pacific Island Air Base early this morning. While Air Force spokesmen declined to comment on the planned strategy, an unnamed source told us that an intense two day carpet bombing was on the cards. President Obama has not ruled out pre-emptive nuclear strikes.

Latest reports confirm that Havnur Circle has been neutralized and Marines have taken control. There are still reports of major gunfire near Modi Hospital.

President Obama's offensive comes at a crucial time for West Bengaluru, which has been politically unstable for the past few years. Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar had been fighting a bitter guerrilla war for possession of dasarahaLLi, a highly coveted location with immense strategic importance. While Vijayanagar remains neutral, recent attacks by Basaveshwarnagar forces on Indraprasta hotel have raised tensions considerably.

Kempaiyya, who sells cucumbers in front of Prasanna theatre on Magadi road, hopes that Basaveshwarnagar is defeated. He has bitter memories of Basaveshwarnagar, where he was once harassed by local Police for selling cucumbers.

For many people living in Basaveshwarnagar, the US attack couldn't have come at a worse time. "Why are you people targetting us? The crimes of Rajajinagar are much worse.", said Ashok who's magazine stand in Shankar Mutt was destroyed by a missile strike.

Some analysts have criticized Obama's decision to ally with Rajajinagar against Basaveshwarnagar. Mark Allen, political analyst, said "It's all about the oil. Rajajinagar has more petrol bunks than Basaveshwarnagar". President Obama however rebuffed such criticisms. "We chose to ally with R'nagar because they have better theatres: Prasanna, Pramod, Navrang ... and what does B'nagar have? One lousy pushpanjali which shows only B-grade filth. It's a mark of culture".

Update: Here's what happened next.