Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Introducing Fair and Na'vi

Are you dissatisfied with your pale brown skin? Have you secretly fantasized about having pointy ears and a long tail? Then look no further. Hindustan Lever Limited in association with James Cameron is pleased to announce its latest beauty product: Fair And Na'vi.

Fair and Na'vi is specially prepared from extracts of Aloe Vera and Pandorum Unobtainium to give you that sleek blue look. Its fast acting formula enriches your skin to leave it smooth and shiny. Within four weeks you will see a visible improvement in your appearance or you'll get your money back.

That's not all! If you order a 12 pack before March 31, 2010, you'll be eligible for a chance to visit Pandora itself. Hurry! Offer valid till stocks last.

You may be wondering what to do with all the Fair And Lovely cream that you already have. Why would you want to be white when you can be blue! Fortunately you can use Fair and Lovely for many other things!

Five unexpected uses for Fair and Lovely

1. Converting black money to white money.
Just rub your illegal bribes/dowries/ill gotten jewelry with Fair and Lovely and within six weeks it'll be completely legal!

2. In Chess.
You're playing white and losing? No fear! Just rub the opponent's pieces with Fair and Lovely, and presto! the piece is now yours.

3. Changing Test match to Twenty20 match.
Forced to play test cricket because you only have a red ball? Just use some Fair and Lovely, and the ball will turn white in no time.

4. Changing Rap music into Country music.
Has you son started saying words like f*** and m**********r? Rap music is to blame! But don't worry, just rub the CD with Fair and Lovely, you'll have him listening to John Mayer in no time.

5. Changing Horror movie into Romantic Drama.
Boyfriend got a horror movie to watch? Just use Fair and Lovely and the movie will turn into a sentimental romantic movie.

Credits: The na'vi-fication of Aish was done with the help of this.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My name is Rrrawwr

Thunderous applause greeted President Barack Hussien Obama as he stood up and approached the mike.  A huge crowd had gathered to hear the charismatic leader address the nation. "Good Evening, citizens of the United States of America, and welcome - aaah!".

Everyone craned their necks to see what had startled the President. There was a tiger on the stage! A real, live asian tiger in Washington DC!

Now, if  it had been a big ferocious tiger, the president's gaurds would have shot it immediately. But it was a tiny little cub! With its large, playful eyes and its tongue hanging out of its mouth, the tiger cub frolicked happily around the stage. "Awww, he's cho cute", remarked First Lady Michelle Obama, an opinion which many in the audience shared. Even the president forgot the serious talk he was supposed to give and started playing with the cub.

Staring into the president's eyes, the cub mewed in a surprisingly human way. "Did you hear that? What is he saying?", the president asked. The cub made the strange noise again. Everyone was silent. The consulate general of India spoke up, "S-Sir ...I think it's speaking Tamil, an Indian language". "Well, what is it saying?", the president asked. The consulate general translated:

"I am a Tamil Tiger and I am not a terrorist.".

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Moral Science Story 2

Once upon a time in ancient India, there lived a great rishi(sage) called Shulyaka. In order to please Shiva, Shulyaka undertook a deep penance. For 27 years, the great sage never wavered from his mediation. At last, Lord Shiva appeared in front of him. "Shulyaka, your penance has pleased me. I will grant you a boon unlike any other: When you are about to die, you can choose to bring one dead soul to life. tathaastu".

Many years passed, and the sage grew old. By this time, Shulyaka's fame had grown, and many had heard of his boon. People thronged his ashrama in order to try and get their loved ones back. After much deliberation, the other sages chose two people to present their case to the sage.

The first was a young lady. "Kind sage, I had been married only for a day when my husband died of an accident. I am now a widow, a fate worse than death. Please, bring my husband back".

The second was a small boy. "Greetings to you, sir. I have no father. My mother was very sick, yet she took care of me. Yesterday she succumbed to her illness, leaving me an orphan. Show me some kindness and bring her back".

As the sage was pondering, there was a commotion outside. A man burst into the kuTeera, holding a lifeless form in his hand. He cried, "I beseech you, great sage. Please have mercy on me. My daughter was playing in the river when this rabid dog bit her". Behind him a servant entered, carrying a dead dog. "Before we could reach and kill the dog, it had bitten my daughter. She is my only loved one in this world. Please save her", he implored.

The sage thought for a moment, and then announced "It is time for me to die", and fell dead. The young woman, the boy and the father all stared at each other, trying to guess who was chosen.

Lord Shiva summoned Shulyaka's aatma to kailaasa. "Who among the three did you choose: the husband, the mother or the child?", he asked. "O Omnipotent Shiva, I didn't bring any of them to life.", he answered, "By not choosing any of them I have saved all of them. The boy needs parents, the man needs a child and the lady needs a husband. Their tragedies have brought them together. If I had chosen one of them, the others would have been unhappy". "Very well", the Lord said, "so you wasted my boon". "No sire, I used it on the most deserving being. It is in the nature of the dog to bite; it cannot distinguish good from bad, innocent from evil. The villagers killed the dog for no fault of its own. Therefore I chose to bring the dog back to life".

"You fool," the Lord said, "after you brought it to life, the dog bit the man, the lady and the boy. They all died".

Moral of the story: Dogs bite.

(Thanks to RajeshV for the dog idea. He's written a sequel)

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Ball Biting incident a viral ad campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan

In a press conference sponsored by Dabur India Pvt Lmtd., Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi made the stunning revelation that the infamous ball biting incident was actually a viral campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Laal Dant Manjan is India's leading red-color-tooth-powder brand.

Speaking to the press, Dabur spokesman Mr Chaban Prash announced that the ball biting incident was only the first part of the cricket-themed marketing campaign. "We're negotiating with cricket commentator Madan Laal to get him to change his name to Madan Laal Dant Manjan".

Mr Prash also mentioned that Afridi will be replacing Mike Tyson as the Brand Ambassador for Laal Dant Manjan. "We're disappointed with Mr Tyson. He hasn't bitten anything in many years. Afridi on the other hand is an role model to kids. If he bites a cricket ball, millions of kids will start gnawing at random things".

Over the years many illustrious celebrities have endorsed Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Here is a list of previous brand ambassadors.

During the freedon struggle, this ferocious "Dabur-man" bit 1754 British Army Officers before being brutally murdered. Inspired by its bravery, Manjan Laal Dabur made it the official mascot of the red colored tooth powder he invented. This is also the reason Laal Dant Manjan is banned in England even today.

With his hectic blood-drinking schedule, Count Dracula needs his fangs to be in great shape. What better powder than the Laal Manjan to keep his teeth sharp and ready? But since the demise of Dracula, Dabur has had a falling out with vampires; younger vampires like Twilight's Edward prefer Colgate.

Mike Tyson was more than an amazing boxer; he was also an exceptionally good biter. His moment of glory came when he bit off his opponent's ear in a boxing match. Subsequent scandals, rape convictions and prison stay has done nothing to diminish that one great moment when Evander Holyfield lay writhing on the ground, blood gushing from where his ear used to be.