Introducing Fair and Na'vi

Are you dissatisfied with your pale brown skin? Have you secretly fantasized about having pointy ears and a long tail? Then look no further. Hindustan Lever Limited in association with James Cameron is pleased to announce its latest beauty product: Fair And Na'vi.

Fair and Na'vi is specially prepared from extracts of Aloe Vera and Pandorum Unobtainium to give you that sleek blue look. Its fast acting formula enriches your skin to leave it smooth and shiny. Within four weeks you will see a visible improvement in your appearance or you'll get your money back.


That's not all! If you order a 12 pack before March 31, 2010, you'll be eligible for a chance to visit Pandora itself. Hurry! Offer valid till stocks last.

You may be wondering what to do with all the Fair And Lovely cream that you already have. Why would you want to be white when you can be blue! Fortunately you can use Fair and Lovely for many other things!


Five unexpected uses for Fair and Lovely


1. Converting black money to white money.
Just rub your illegal bribes/dowries/ill gotten jewelry with Fair and Lovely and within six weeks it'll be completely legal!

2. In Chess.
You're playing white and losing? No fear! Just rub the opponent's pieces with Fair and Lovely, and presto! the piece is now yours.

3. Changing Test match to Twenty20 match.
Forced to play test cricket because you only have a red ball? Just use some Fair and Lovely, and the ball will turn white in no time.

4. Changing Rap music into Country music.
Has you son started saying words like f*** and m**********r? Rap music is to blame! But don't worry, just rub the CD with Fair and Lovely, you'll have him listening to John Mayer in no time.

5. Changing Horror movie into Romantic Drama.
Boyfriend got a horror movie to watch? Just use Fair and Lovely and the movie will turn into a sentimental romantic movie.

Credits: The na'vi-fication of Aish was done with the help of this.

My name is Rrrawwr

Thunderous applause greeted President Barack Hussien Obama as he stood up and approached the mike.  A huge crowd had gathered to hear the charismatic leader address the nation. "Good Evening, citizens of the United States of America, and welcome - aaah!".

Everyone craned their necks to see what had startled the President. There was a tiger on the stage! A real, live asian tiger in Washington DC!

Now, if  it had been a big ferocious tiger, the president's gaurds would have shot it immediately. But it was a tiny little cub! With its large, playful eyes and its tongue hanging out of its mouth, the tiger cub frolicked happily around the stage. "Awww, he's cho cute", remarked First Lady Michelle Obama, an opinion which many in the audience shared. Even the president forgot the serious talk he was supposed to give and started playing with the cub.

Staring into the president's eyes, the cub mewed in a surprisingly human way. "Did you hear that? What is he saying?", the president asked. The cub made the strange noise again. Everyone was silent. The consulate general of India spoke up, "S-Sir ...I think it's speaking Tamil, an Indian language". "Well, what is it saying?", the president asked. The consulate general translated:

"I am a Tamil Tiger and I am not a terrorist.".

Moral Science Story 2

Once upon a time in ancient India, there lived a great rishi(sage) called Shulyaka. In order to please Shiva, Shulyaka undertook a deep penance. For 27 years, the great sage never wavered from his mediation. At last, Lord Shiva appeared in front of him. "Shulyaka, your penance has pleased me. I will grant you a boon unlike any other: When you are about to die, you can choose to bring one dead soul to life. tathaastu".

Many years passed, and the sage grew old. By this time, Shulyaka's fame had grown, and many had heard of his boon. People thronged his ashrama in order to try and get their loved ones back. After much deliberation, the other sages chose two people to present their case to the sage.

The first was a young lady. "Kind sage, I had been married only for a day when my husband died of an accident. I am now a widow, a fate worse than death. Please, bring my husband back".

The second was a small boy. "Greetings to you, sir. I have no father. My mother was very sick, yet she took care of me. Yesterday she succumbed to her illness, leaving me an orphan. Show me some kindness and bring her back".

As the sage was pondering, there was a commotion outside. A man burst into the kuTeera, holding a lifeless form in his hand. He cried, "I beseech you, great sage. Please have mercy on me. My daughter was playing in the river when this rabid dog bit her". Behind him a servant entered, carrying a dead dog. "Before we could reach and kill the dog, it had bitten my daughter. She is my only loved one in this world. Please save her", he implored.

The sage thought for a moment, and then announced "It is time for me to die", and fell dead. The young woman, the boy and the father all stared at each other, trying to guess who was chosen.

Lord Shiva summoned Shulyaka's aatma to kailaasa. "Who among the three did you choose: the husband, the mother or the child?", he asked. "O Omnipotent Shiva, I didn't bring any of them to life.", he answered, "By not choosing any of them I have saved all of them. The boy needs parents, the man needs a child and the lady needs a husband. Their tragedies have brought them together. If I had chosen one of them, the others would have been unhappy". "Very well", the Lord said, "so you wasted my boon". "No sire, I used it on the most deserving being. It is in the nature of the dog to bite; it cannot distinguish good from bad, innocent from evil. The villagers killed the dog for no fault of its own. Therefore I chose to bring the dog back to life".

"You fool," the Lord said, "after you brought it to life, the dog bit the man, the lady and the boy. They all died".

Moral of the story: Dogs bite.

(Thanks to RajeshV for the dog idea. He's written a sequel)

Ball Biting incident a viral ad campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan

In a press conference sponsored by Dabur India Pvt Lmtd., Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi made the stunning revelation that the infamous ball biting incident was actually a viral campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Laal Dant Manjan is India's leading red-color-tooth-powder brand.

Speaking to the press, Dabur spokesman Mr Chaban Prash announced that the ball biting incident was only the first part of the cricket-themed marketing campaign. "We're negotiating with cricket commentator Madan Laal to get him to change his name to Madan Laal Dant Manjan".

Mr Prash also mentioned that Afridi will be replacing Mike Tyson as the Brand Ambassador for Laal Dant Manjan. "We're disappointed with Mr Tyson. He hasn't bitten anything in many years. Afridi on the other hand is an role model to kids. If he bites a cricket ball, millions of kids will start gnawing at random things".

Over the years many illustrious celebrities have endorsed Dabur Laal Dant Manjan. Here is a list of previous brand ambassadors.

During the freedon struggle, this ferocious "Dabur-man" bit 1754 British Army Officers before being brutally murdered. Inspired by its bravery, Manjan Laal Dabur made it the official mascot of the red colored tooth powder he invented. This is also the reason Laal Dant Manjan is banned in England even today.

With his hectic blood-drinking schedule, Count Dracula needs his fangs to be in great shape. What better powder than the Laal Manjan to keep his teeth sharp and ready? But since the demise of Dracula, Dabur has had a falling out with vampires; younger vampires like Twilight's Edward prefer Colgate.

Mike Tyson was more than an amazing boxer; he was also an exceptionally good biter. His moment of glory came when he bit off his opponent's ear in a boxing match. Subsequent scandals, rape convictions and prison stay has done nothing to diminish that one great moment when Evander Holyfield lay writhing on the ground, blood gushing from where his ear used to be.

A True Brahmin

Radhesh Venkatesan (not at all related to this fellow) was a true Brahmin. Not one of those "maneli windows 95, beedili chicken 65"-type person. "praaN bhi jaaye, mutton na khaaye" was his motto, along with "I'll beg, but not eat egg". He regarded eating beef as the worst of all crimes. For many years his friends tried to tempt him with tandoori, seduce him with szechwan and bribe him with biriyani, but he didn't budge.

One day, the plane he was traveling in crashed. For two months people thought he was dead. But miraculously, after two months, news came that he was alive. He had been stranded in a remote Pacific island where he had somehow survived for two months. He was the only one alive from the crash.

I went to meet him when he finally returned. After enquiring about his health, I asked him about the question which was in my mind ever since the news had come. "On that island you were stranded in, there were no plants or animals"? "No". "The only food available was a crate of beef which somehow survived the crash?". "Yes, there was a crate". "So!", I exclaimed, "you finally broke your code. You ate beef.". "No, never! I never ate beef". "Then how did you survive for two months? You are lying!".

Radhesh was smiling as he answered "I wasn't the only one who survived the crash".

Mayan civilization sued after nothing happens on December 21, 2012

December 22, 2012.

The Apocalypse Association, a non-profit organization promoting calamities and disasters, has filed a lawsuit against the Mayan civilization, after the disasters predicted by the ancient South American people failed to occur.

"I'm disappointed that millions of people didn't die.", said Michelle Neifer, spokesperson for the AA, "Someone must be held responsible".

Indeed, December 21 turned out to be the most uneventful day in decades. The climate worldwide was pleasant, no assasinations or high-profile murders took place, and only 7000 people died in Iraq, which is way below the average.





Not the first failed prediction

This is not the first time a disaster prediction has fallen flat. Nostradamus predicted that the world would end in 1999, but nothing much happened. Computers were predicted to kill everyone due to the Y2K bug, but that turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by COBOL programmers.

"I'm sick of these lies", says Jody Killdred. Jody killed his dog to spare him an agonizing death during the Y2K scare, which turned out to be nothing. "But this time, I didn't even send my daughter to bed.", he added.

2102 not 2012

Dr Brian Juntilope, of the Canadian Mayan Institute, claims that we have had it wrong all this while. "You see, the Mayans write their years from right-to-left. So the disasters will happen, but in 2102".

While Dr Juntilope may be right, few people from the AA are willing to wait that long. "What's the point if it happens in 2102? I'll be dead by then", exclaimed Michelle.

Sequel to 2012

Unfazed by the lack of catastrophes, Roland Emmerlich, the director of the successful movie 2012, is already planning a sequel to the movie. Titled 2038, the movie is about how the world is destroyed by UNIX computers suffering from the Year 2038 Problem. The movie is set to hit theatres in 2014.

agony_aunt[0] : politically correct coding

Question I recently went to an interview where the lady asked me to design a payroll application. But after seeing my code, she got angry and called security guard to kick me out. I am now being sued for sexual harassment. I'm sending my code to you. Please tell me, where did I go wrong?

agony_aunt No wonder she threw you out! Your code is politically incorrect! Let me tell you why. Here's a piece of your code:

class Employee
{
    Gender gender;
    String name;
    public Employee(String name, Gender gender)
    {
       this.name = name;
       this.gender = gender;
    }
    ...
}
...
Employee employee = new Employee("Ramya", Gender.Female);

Do you see what you did wrong there? You objectified women! You are such a sexist pig! Women should never be represented by objects. You should do this intead:

int calculateSalary(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getSalary();
  }
  else
  {
      //be careful not to create an object, not even a structure.
      return getSalaryForFemalePerson(name);
  }
}

The second mistake you did was here:

class Employee
{
   ...
   int getAge()
   {
      return age;
   }
   ...
}

You can't ask a woman her age! Thats rude, and in some countries, it's illegal! This is what you should do:

int getAge(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getAge();
  }
  else
  {
      throw new SexistException("Male Chauvinist Pig!");
  }
}

Your comparison function is also totally wrong. What it should be doing is:

int compareEmployees(String emp1, String emp2)
{
    if(isMale(emp1) && isFemale(emp2))
       return -1;//men are inferior to women.
    if(isFemale(emp1) && isMale(emp2))
       return +1;//women are superior to men.
    if(isFemale(emp1) && isFemale(emp2))
       //woman with more jewelry wins.
       return getJewelry(emp1) - getJewelry(emp2);
    return 0;//all men are equally stupid.
}

Even though it is a payroll application, you always need to implement these functions:

boolean isFat(String name)
{
  if(isMale(name))
  {
      Employee man = getEmployeeByName(name);
      return man.getWeight() > AVERAGE_WEIGHT;
  }
  else
  {
      return false;
  }
}

Fairy Tale

There was once a kingdom in a land far far away, ruled by a wise and noble king.
The king was blessed with two lovely children: A prince who was the most handsome man in the kingdom, and a princess who's beauty was unsurpassed. Under the king's just rule, the kingdom and it's people prospered.

Alas, all good things come to an end. A vicious dragon, accidently freed from the magic spell binding it, began to attack the people of the kingdom. Everyday it would devour an entire village. The terrified people beseeched their king to save them from this menace.

The king made an announcement: he promised the brave soul who slays the dragon the hand of his daugher in marriage. Hearing this, every knight in the kingdom donned his armor and set out towards the forest: for the man who married the princess would truly be the luckiest of men.

One after the other the knights tried to kill the dragon, but none succeeded. The dragon was too savage and strong.

With the death of each knight, the king grew more despondent. At last, when there were no more knights left, a man with an axe stepped forward. "I would like to try to my luck with the dragon, your majesty", he implored. "Are you a knight, my good man?" asked the king, to which he replied "No sire, I am a humble woodcutter". "Very well, you may try.", said the king, without much hope.

The woodcutter didnot recklessly confront the dragon as the knights did. He studied the habits of the dragon for many days. He noticed that the dragon always drank water from a pond, which gave him an idea. He made a special potion from the bark of some trees, which he mixed into the pond, which made the dragon go to sleep. He then cut the large trees around the dragon thus crushing it. The dragon was finally dead.

When he returned to the palace, he was greeted with great applause. The king came to meet him at the doorstep. "You have saved our kingdom, for which I am thankful. As promised, I give you my daughter's hand in marriage". The princess smiled shyly. The woodcutter hesistated for a moment, then whispered something into the king's ear. The king was lost in thought for a minute, then he replied "Very well, if that is what you want, so be it".

The woodcutter and the prince lived happily ever after.

Fairness

James and John were twins, but they were as different as two people could possibly be. John was a doctor who worked tirelessly serving poor people. Every year he gave thousands of dollars to charity. John was also a devout man who had not missed church in 30 years. James on the other hand was a gambler. He had been to jail many times for robbery, selling drugs and destroying property. He used drink every night and beat his wife. He was also an atheist who desecrated churches.

As it often happens with twins, James and John died the same day, James a few moments before John. To John's delight and to James' surprise, they found themselves in front of God, standing in a line. Behind God, there were two paths, one to Heaven, one to Hell.

James was first. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but he was unable to. For a few seconds, James stood meekly in front of the Creator. "Heaven" decided the Lord, and James was carried away by Angels along the heavenly path.

John was surprised by the decision, but he reasoned that God knew all; maybe there was a spark of goodness in his brother. John was happy for James.

Then came John's turn. John stood with his head bowed, humbled by the Almighty. Patiently he waited for his decision. "Hell" replied God, to John's great dismay. As demons came to take him away, he tried to think what wrong he had done to deserve eternal damnation.

As the demons were taking him away, he saw at last how God decided man's fate. God was fair. God was just. God was good.

God tossed a coin.

Infidelity

Who could have guessed that a letter from the department of revenue was what ruined Malini Srinivasan's marriage?

In retrospect, all the classic signs were already there. Srini had been coming home late for the past few weeks. Work, dinner with important clients, deadlines: he had made the usual excuses and she had believed him.

The letter changed everything.

The letter came when Malini was in the kitchen; she did not open it immediately. She was cooking Srini's favorite urundai kozhambu and wanted to get everything ready by 6:00pm. Srini had promised her that he would come home early. At 5:45, exhausted but satisfied with the afternoon's work, she sat down on the sofa and waited for her husband.

He came home at 11:30.

"Sorry dear, already saapaDaama .... Good night" was all he said before going to bed. The perfunctory apology was somehow worse than an insult.

Malini couldn't sleep. Looking for something to occupy her mind, she picked up the letter that had arrived earlier. It was from the Department of Revenue. It was addressed to her husband, but since Malini did all their taxes, she didn't hesitate to open it. As expected it was a property tax receipt.

She was about to file it away, when she saw something strange. The address on the receipt was not of their house. Strange, she thought, the receipt was posted to the correct address.

A seed of doubt was planted; and it grew. Malini started going through his credit card statements: not even one entry was a restaurant. So much for the dinner-with-clients lie. As she went through more statements, she began to understand the extent of her husband's betrayal.

Nobody knew how Malini got a gun, but she did. Two days after the letter, Malini waited for her husband; she would give him one last chance at coming out clean. But he didn't come.

At 7:00pm Malini hailed an auto to the address on the receipt. It was a nondescript house in a shady part of town. Without making a sound, she tried the door; it was unlocked.

The smell! The smell hit her just as she entered the house. It hardened her resolve; she knew what she was about to do was right.

There wasn't much furniture in the hall, just a table and a chair. A recipe book was lying opened on the table. Malini could hear her husband humming from the kitchen. She took out her gun and made her way towards him.

Srini was shocked to see his gentle, loving wife standing there with a gun in her hand. Nervously he glanced towards the vessel on the stove and back at her. "Is that what I think it is?" Malini asked him. He didn't have to answer, the look on his face said it all.

She closed her eyes and shot him.

She made the headlines in the newspaper the next day: "Tamil Brahmin Wife kills husband for eating non-veg food".

How to escape an Indian wedding

Has this ever happened to you?: You're sitting there, shirtless, with a mangaLasutra in your hand and you suddenly get cold feet. You think of all the western men who leave their brides standing at the altar. But you can't do that because (a) the bride isn't standing (b) there is no easy path from the altar to the door.

It's clear you need a better plan.

Don't underestimate the Indian wedding ceremony: thousands of years have refined it to be almost impossible for a groom to escape. But with the right planning and technology, it can be defeated. And I will teach you how. So pay attention.

Here's a list of things you will need:

• one half sleeve shirt
  
• one pair of jeans
  
• Rs 7.50 in exact change
  
• 200 grams of Cycle brand saambraNi*
  
• two M47 submachine guns
  
• two Smith and Wesson .50 handguns
  
• thirty hand grenades
  
• one auto rickshaw
  

First, you need to make a map of the wedding hall. A typical wedding hall looks like this:



Here is what you do on the wedding day. Remember, even the smallest mistake can ruin your plan, so learn this by heart.

a) Pretend your leg is itching, reach into your panche and take out the packet of saambraaNi. Put it into the agnikunD. This will cause a lot of smoke, which will hide you taking out the guns.

b) Take one handgun in each hand. With the left gun, shoot the bride, with the other, shoot the poojari. Aim for the head. Show no mercy, they are the enemy. Drop the guns, their work is done.

c) With the machine gun, start shooting people on the dias. There is no need to be accurate. Make your way towards the stairs, but keep shooting.

d) Now you have two choices. I have illustrated both with diagrams. Choose one of them.

Plan A: Turn sharply left. With the left hand shoot at the people on the bride's side. Lob grenades to the groom's side. After you reach the midpoint, switch hands and start lobbing grenades on the bride's side. When you reach the corner, turn sharply right and run to the door. Once you reach the door, lob all the grenades and jump out of the door.


Plan B: Keep walking on the centre aisle, and keep shooting people with both hands. Once you reach the midpoint, turn around, throw the guns and start throwing grenades as you run back. Once you reach the door, lob the last grenade at the musicians.


e) Hurray! you're out. But your work is not yet done. If you get caught now, they'll make you marry the bride's sister.

f) Run towards the auto. You should have parked it facing the road. Rev it up and off you go.

g) Chord Road to Majestic is normally 30 minutes; you need to do it in 10. Avoid Anand Rao Circle, it's congested at this time. While you're driving put on the jeans and shirt.

h) Go to platform 4, catch the 86. If you can't, get into a 265. Avoid the puskpaks, you only have Rs 7.50.

i) Get down at dasarahaLLi. Congratulations, you are home! You've done it!

Note: The same plan, with a few minor modifications, will work for the bride as well. I would suggest a Flame Thrower instead of a machine gun.

* saambraaNi is the resin of the Commiphora wightii tree, which when put on hot coal, produces lots of smoke.

Classification of detective stories

Almost all whodunnit stories fall into one of the following story-o-types:

Setup: V is a victim who dies. D is the detective. X, Y, Z ... are the suspects. The killer K must satisfy K ϵ {X, Y , Z ...} U {D, φ, V}.

1. The least obvious suspect did it: This trick is used so often that it has become almost a cliche. Y is meek, good and helpful. Y seems the least likely to have carried out the murder. In the end though, Y is revealed to be the killer.

2. The most obvious suspect did it: As people read more and more novels which use trick #1, they start suspecting such unlikely characters. A clever writer reverses this by making the most obvious suspect the killer. The problem with this is if the reader hasn't come across trick #1 very often, the ending will fall rather flat.

3. The victim did it: No one suspects the victim, by virtue of the victim being dead. The ending reveals that the victim intentionally killed themselves, thus confounding everyone.Cards on the table is a good example of this trick.

4. Everyone did it: People instinctively expect only one of the suspects to be the killer. If more than one suspect were in collusion, the reader is much less likely to deduce the culprits. The most famous example of this is of course Murder on the Orient Express, where every suspect turns out to be the killer.

5. No one did it: There never was a murder: it was all an accident. Like trick #3, the reader feels a bit cheated since the perpetrator isn't brought to justice.

6. The victim is the victim: V is supposed to die, but W dies instead. The ending reveals that W was the intended victim after all. The ABC murders is a perfect example of it.

7. The fake victim did it: This takes trick #6 to one more level; not only is W the intended victim, the fake victim V is the killer. The Mirror crack'd from side to side is a good example of this.

8. The detective did it: This obviously doesn't work if the detective is famous. Also, for this to have a satifying ending, there has to be a second detective who reveals the killer. Bonus points if the story is being narrated from the detective's point-of-view in first person.

9. The butler did it: I just had to put that one there :D

10. Unexpected Motive: Given that the choice for 'who' is pretty limited, the motive is the factor writers get to play most with. Again, The Mirror crack'd from side to side is a brilliant example of a motive for which enough clues exist in the story, yet is very surprising in the end.

11. Unexpected Method: 'How' is the thing writers let their imagination run free over. The most interesting ones are the "impossible murders": murder which happened in a room which was locked from the inside etc.

Handling memory leaks

I found this gem in some code I wrote in 2003. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the proper way to avoid memory errors.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/// Extremely Dangerous to do this , but the app keeps crashing
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
void SigSegVHandler(int __SigNumber){
    return;// I am ignoring all Segmentation faults
}
int main(){
    signal(SIGSEGV, SigSegVHandler);
}

Guess the plot: B-grade horror movie edition

In this age of internet porn and big budget 3D horror movies, the subtle art of the B-Grade Movie is indeed lost. They were the true pioneers of their time, pushing the boundaries of the U-rating by showing almost-but-not-quite-naked women in close-to-but-not-really-scary situations, with the silliest names anyone could ever imagine.
I found some posters of some such gems recently, without any other info about their plot. So here is my take on the movies based just on the poster.

Bhaago Bhoot Aaya

Usain Bolt produces and stars in this classic tale of murder, revenge and running. When Shaitan captures Bolt's girlfriend, he challenges him to the ultimate race. Now Bolt must run like he has never run before: being chased by ghosts and while wearing formals.

Kabrastan

To the east of Kazakhstan and to the north of Uzbekistan lies a small forgotten country called Kabrastan. For some reason everyone there is dead. After Borat succeeded in introducing the fine culture of Kazakhstan to everyone, some Kabrastani director decided to make this movie. The protagonist of this surreal movie is a hand which talks. Some believe that hand is a metaphor for the Congress party which is why Sonia Gandhi banned this movie in India.

Pyasa Shaitan

Thie movie is notorious for it's product placement: the people in this movie keep drinking Coca-cola products throughout the movie. The Shaitan doesn't actually kill anyone because he's too busy drinking Coke Zero. There is a token girl-who-dies in the movie, but thats because she drinks Pepsi accidentally.

Khatarnak

A heartwarming musical adaptation of Michael Jackson's Dangerous. A touching story of a one-eyed cyclops' struggle against the bigotry of the carnatic music world. The protagonist is a monster who's ambition is to sing Dangerous in yamuna kalyaaNi raaga, but is thwarted by jealous and petty humans. In the stirring climax, our hero butchers an entire kacheri full of people while maintaining taaLa.

Moral Science Story

This is a story about a line.

Once there was a prosperous farmer, who had two sons Ram and Shyam. Ram and Shyam hated each other since childhood. For years the farmer tried to reconcile them, but to no avail. At last, on his deathbead, the farmer decided to split his land equally among the brothers. With a stick, he drew a line on the ground, and gave the left half to Ram and the right half to Shyam.

The line became a mud-road. Each brother married, and from day one told their wives to hate the other. When Ram added a second story to his house, Shyam added two floors. When Shyam's dog accidentally crossed into Ram's courtyard, Ram shot it dead.

The line became a busy street. Ram had a daughter Gautami. Shyam had a son Bhargava. Shyam encouraged Bhargava to throw stones at Ram's cows. Gautami poured ink on Bhargava's notebook in school. The children inherited their parents' hate.

The line became a state highway. Bhargava and his friends sneaked up at night and lit Ram's barn on fire. It was a major financial loss for Ram. In revenge, Gautami planted drugs on Bhargava and had him arrested.

The line became a national highway. Ram hired rowdies to ransack Shyam's place. Shyam responded by hiring his own gang. Three people died, twelve injured.

Then tragedy struck Ram: both his kidneys failed. Try as they might, they couldn't find a compatible donor. Just when all hopes were fading, there came news: someone had donated a kidney.

The operation was a success. Ram was eager to thank the donor, but the doctor wouldn't tell who the donor was. Burning with desire to know, Ram hired a detective.

Ram was back in his home when he got the detective's mail. When he read it, he was astonished: It was Shyam. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked across the line into his brother's eyes. Getting up, he ran across to embrace his brother .... BAM! An oil tanker smashed into Ram. The driver lost control of the vehicle and the tanker exploded killing everyone in Ram's and Shyam's household.

Moral of the story: Before crossing National Highways, look both sides for traffic.

Bolt breaks speed of light barrier; scientists baffled.

Jamaican runner Usain Bolt today added another feather in his cap breaking his own previous world record in the 100m sprint race, by completing the race in 0.00000003 seconds. In doing so, he became the first man to cross the speed of light barrier, thought by many to be the ultimate pinnacle of sprint racing.

Speaking to our correspondent after the race, Bolt said he was happy with the record, but felt he could do better. "I slowed down slightly at the end, y'know what I mean? Got distracted by all the tachyons, man, that shit is word".

Scientists all over the world were caught by surprise by Bolt's stupendous achievement. The theory of relativity, invented by Sergei Einstein in 1845, specifically prohibits massive particles, such as Bolt, from ever reaching the speed of light. Some scientists accused Bolt of using quantum mechanics to break the speed barrier. International Athletics Council has a strict ban on using quantum mechanics in any sporting event. However the Jamaican Minister of Sports Robert Tarunga rubbished such allegations as jealous ramblings "It's clearly a triumph of human ingenuity over the laws of physics".

Runner up John Chadwell, who came in a distant second after clocking 9.98 seconds, felt that Bolt had won fair and square, but that he should retire to let others win. "There's no competition, he keeps winning. Why should I even participate?".

Loksabha elections shifted to Zimbabwe

Taking a cue from the Indian Premier League, the election commission today announced that the venue for 2009 Lok Sabha elections would be shifted to Zimbabwe.

The decision was precipitated by the sudden increase in security following the Chidambaram shoe throwing incident. Citing huge manpower shortfalls, the police departments of most states expressed their inability to monitor every shoe at the massive rallies taken out by every party. After prolonged discussions the EC was forced to make the decision to shift the elections to another country.

Somalia, Nigeria and Congo were initially in the fray for this lucrative franchise. But eventually Zimbabwe emerged as the winner, thanks mainly to the tireless campaigning of their charismatic leader, Robert Mugabe.

Mugabe assured the EC that nobody in the impoverished African nation had shoes, so the main security concern was automatically taken care of. Mugabe said that he would ensure that 85% of the population converts to Hinduism before the election, to better reflect India's demography. But the biggest factor in Zimbabwe's favor was the cheap cost of elections: the average Bribe Per Voter(BPV) in India is Rs 534, whereas in Zimbabwe it is Zim$ 172,000,000,000,000,000,100 which equals Rs 12.

Most political parties were satisfied by the arrangements. RJD president Laalu Prasad Yaadav personally inspected the election machinery and commented that it was "better than Bihar". BJP's Varun Gandhi also concurred, but expressed concerns that the communal riots promised by Mugabe were "not bloody enough".

Some people felt that the elections were an integral part of Indian Culture and should remain in India. But EC spokesman Amar Gupta rubbished such sentiments, stating that the change only affected 2% of the population who actually bother to vote. The vast majority of Indians who sat in front of TVs and complained would not be affected, he assured us.

Greatest Hits, Volume I

All bands, even shitty one-hit-wonder ones, release "Greatest Hits" albums from time to time. I thought: why not do the same thing for my blog? Why make people search through scores of boring posts in order to get to the funny ones? So I've put together what I would consider my best/funniest/silliest posts.

1. Poem to make a mother cry : Someone asked for a poem to make a mother cry on Yahoo! Answers, and I promptly obliged. Warning: Highly Unpatriotic!
2. My Tragic Love Story : Laila-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet and now Priyananda-Anukriti. Read and cry.
3. Grad Side Story : A PhD can change a man's life.
4. Expected Dowry as a function of time : If dowry is a crime, I am a C^∞-smooth criminal.
5. Plutonic Tales : A case of elemental racism.
6. Being a woman is against Indian culture : Extrapolating on Sri Ram Sena logic.

My reader demographic is predominantly kannada speakers(yellarigu namaskaara!), so my kannada/bengaLuru posts are generally popular. Here is a list you might like:

1. Women in contemporary kannada slang : What are guys saying about girls.
2. Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation : decent huDugarige
3. Sakku Sakku Sakku : Super song from Snehana Preetina translated to English.
4. War on Basaveshwarnagar : The epic battle between Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar to control daasarahaLLi.

Valentines Day 2009

Being a boring, asocial geek with no romantic prospects, I didn't have anyone to send V-Day cards to, so I took part in the Something Awful Valentine's Day Card Swap. Basically a bunch of people send out v-day cards to other psuedo-anonymous people for fun. Getting a card from a random person is not the same as from a loved one, but it's the heart I'm trying to fool, not the brain.

Here's what I sent:

Here's what I received:

Mathematician interviews God

Being the creator of the universe, God is usually credited for creating math as well. Despite his busy schedule as the Supreme Being, he agreed to gave an interview to Matt Adler, chief correspondent for the Mathematical Times.

Interviewer: Hi God, how are you?
God: I'm fine, thanks.
Interviewer: Thank you for taking time to give this interview. It means a lot, especially since you hate mathematicians.
God: No, no, I like mathematicians. It's computer scientists I hate.
Interviewer: That brings us nicely to the question which is on everyone's mind. Tell us, is P equal to NP?
God: I don't know.
Interviewer: What? But you're God!
God: Look, it was all a long time ago OK? When I created the universe 15 billion years ago, I had to make a whole lot of decisions. Deciding whether pi should be rational or not took so much time that I just rushed through the other decisions.
Interviewer: So you don't remember?
God: No. I'm waiting just like you for someone to answer that question.
Interviewer: OK .... What about the Reimann Hypothesis?
God: That's just rubbish. Any fool can see that it's blatantly false. Even Reimann knew that.
Interviewer: Then why did he make the conjecture?
God: It was his idea of a joke. I sent him to Hell for that prank.
Interviewer: Do mathematicians usually go to Heaven or Hell?
God: Depends. Discrete mathematicians usually go to Hell.
Interviewer: Why? Is discrete math inherently evil?
God: No, they just have a better discrete math program. Satan is quite keen on it.
Interviewer: What problem do you think mathematicians should work on? Hodge conjecture? Navier Stokes?
God: Those problems are just crap. Don't waste time on those. The only thing worth proving is the Polokski-Meron conjecture.
Interviewer: What? I've never heard of that.
God: Oh, Sorry! That won't be discovered till 2038.
Interviewer: What should people work on till 2038?
God: Take a break from math. Do something else, watch TV, whatever.
Interviewer: Young kids today are losing interest in Mathematics. How can we change this?
God: There should be more sex and violence in math.
Interviewer: Errr...
God: Kids think math is dry, it should be made more exciting. Make a game of it. People who make a false conjecture should be killed gruesomely. And if someone makes a true conjecture and proves it, he should get 10 supermodels as sex slaves.
Interviewer: Thank you for answering our questions, God.
God: My pleasure.