NSA finds lost picture of grandma

When a house fire destroyed Lloyd Webster's home years ago, he lost the photo album which contained the only pictures of his grand mother Harriet Jane Tremble. For years he believed that he would never see his grandmother's face again. But when Edward Snowden revealed the details of the PRISM program, Lloyd felt a glimmer of hope. With little expectation, he wrote to the Director of NSA requesting a picture of his grandmother. To his pleasant surprise, he got a reply.

"When we got his request, we were a little surprised, but glad to help", Jack Reacher, PR spokesperson for the NSA told the press. "Luckily for Mr Webster, his grandmother once attended a communist rally in 1953, and had been under surveillance ever since. Once you get on the list, you stay there forever." joked Mr Reacher. The NSA then sent Mr. Webster an album full of photos agents had taken of her over the years. "It did help that Mrs Tremble was an attractive lady, the agents took many photographs of her".

Not all photos released

"We had a lot more than we sent them". Reacher said that officials at the NSA went through all the photos to remove any embarrassing ones. "Harriet was quite the player back in her youth. There is no point in making the family uncomfortable by sending them photos of their grandmother in a bikini, or tell them about that affair she had with an Italian sailor in 1962".

Commercialization

Reacher said that the NSA was in talks with Silicon Valley to monetize the vast amount of information they had collected. "Most of the information we have is useless for catching terrorists. It's just sitting there, eating up space. This episode gave us an idea, why not monetize it? There is a great demand for photos and personal information, especially of dead people."

Today, Lloyd hangs a photo of his grandmother in his living room. "All thanks to NSA", he chirped happily.

Unborn Child Given Nobel Peace Prize

The Swedish Nobel Committee today announced that the 2013 Nobel Peace Price has been awarded to the  unborn male child of Lisa and Drew McLaughlin of Manchester, New Hampshire. The child, who hasn't been given a name yet, was given this award in recognition of the tremendous achievements that he might do, once he is born. The Nobel committee expressed hope that the child would solve world hunger problem and bring peace in the middle east before he turns 10.

The couple, who were thrust suddenly into the limelight, were embarrassed by all the attention, but felt proud  that their son won the award. "He was an unplanned baby, you know. We got really drunk that night and

The only known photo of the Nobel Prize winner

forgot to take precautions. At one point, we even decided to get rid of the baby, but we're very happy that we didn't".

Kiminetji Twakany, the African philanthropist who many thought would win the award this year denied that he was disappointed. "I wish our young friend all the best". Mr Twakany, who had been helping people in war torn areas of Somalia and Sudan for almost 40 years, lost his arms last year while saving a school bus from a landmine.

The baby is due to be born in September, just before the award ceremony in Sweden. In case the baby is not born by the award ceremony, the medal would be surgically inserted into the mother's uterus.

While the Nobel Peace Prize has always been controversial, this year has been especially polarizing. Prominent journalist Nick Greyson wrote on his blog "Great decision by the committee. That kid has a lot of potential. Giving it to Obama on the other hand was a big mistake". Sources report that minutes after the blog post was published, Greyson was arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for National Security reasons.

Notable Feminist, Gloria Estefan, lambasted the choice of the committee, saying that the baby won only because he was a while male. "This is blatant discrimination against blacks and women". Gloria said that she was planning to stage a protest in front of the award ceremony.

While the whole world waits with bated breath for the arrival of the baby, nicknamed "messiah" by some, Lisa and Drew just want it to be over. "I've already made plans for the million dollars we will get as prize". Drew plans to buy a Porsche, and Lisa has pre-ordered dresses from Gucci and Prada.

Evil People sue Google

The Association of Bad and Evil People (ABEP) today filed a suit against software giant Google Inc citing "blatant discrimination against people of evil persuasion". The suit alleged that Google willfully denied rightful employment to otherwise deserving candidates merely on the basis of their evil nature.

We spoke with Adolf Hitler, one of the petitioners mentioned in the lawsuit. Mr Hitler alleged that he was not given a job even though he cleared the notoriously difficult Google hiring process. "I came up with a polynomial time algorithm for the travelling salesman problem, yet they rejected my application. If this is not discrimination, then what is?"

Rajesh Venkataraman, the Googler who interviewed Hitler, denied that his evil nature or his past atrocities had anything to do with his failing the interview. "His solution to the NP-Hard problem involved nuclear weapons and the death of 60 million people. I don't see how that can be done in constant time."

Unlike Mr Hitler, Grigori Rasputin managed to clear the interview, but found the workplace to be a hostile environment. "I just wanted to fit in. But people would avoid me everywhere. It all started when I presented my design doc to my team. My proposal to cheat widows and orphans was deemed too evil."

Google's "Don't be evil" motto is well known, but is increasingly being seen as a hindrance to hiring and retaining gifted employees. Former blood splatter analyst and recent Google employee Dexter Morgan has  given up on his serial killing, after his boss explained that Google's moonlighting policy explicitly forbade murder, but he is not happy about it. "Real life isn't as black-and-white as Google makes out to be ... you sometimes have to do some evil".

The rumor in the grape vine is that senior Google executives are seriously considering adding an exception to the "Don't be evil" rule, allowing each employee up to one murder, two embezzlements and $15,000 in bribes in one year. The company will continue to be strict about the usage of "goto", which it considers to be supremely evil. Google assured us that any employee using goto will be fired immediately and may face a criminal lawsuit against them.

While the rumored changes may appease the borderline psychopaths, the changes are not going to make any difference for the real evil people. "I'm not bitter. I've got a great job offer in New York as a hedge fund broker", Hitler added. Wall St has traditionally been tolerant and even welcoming of evil people. "My next project will be engineering a global recession, I'm really excited about it. I have been promised a big bonus if 50% of the population goes below the poverty line."

Semiconductors caught in doping scandal

In what people are already describing as The Biggest Scandal of the Year, the World Anti-Doping Agency today accused several prominent semiconductors of using illicit substances to improve their electron-carrying performance. The Agency filed a report this afternoon with the President of the Periodic Table, alleging that these semiconductors willfully and with full knowledge ingested illegal substances to decrease their band-gap. Among the accused are such stalwarts such as Germanium and Gallium, but the biggest shock was the inclusion of Silicon, a veteran of the Electronics industry and the most well-known semiconductor.

Reactions varied from shock and disbelief to cynical I-told-you-so's. Arsenic, a long time companion of Gallium, said that he was shocked by the accusations. "I've known Gall for a long time, this is just unbelievable. I think the Agency has made a mistake".

A Transitional Metal, speaking to us on condition of anonymity, said that he was not surprised by the extent of the doping scandal. "It's an open secret, everyone does it. The business of modern electronics - it's a tough business, this. Fortunes are made or lost by a micro-amp difference. Can you really blame 'em for upping their electron potential?".

It's unclear what the fate will be for the accused. Germanium was already suffering from the effects of the Zener Diode Crash of 2011, and is likely to retire from the semi-conductor business. "Silicon is gonna walk away, you mark my words. The whole electronics industry is based on him - Who do you think they'll replace him with, Carbon? Nah, the big shots always get away with anything, it's the small time players who'll get punished."

The practicing of incorporating illegal substances to enhance some feature is not new or restricted to semiconductors. One of the first public examples of doping was Iron, who was caught using Carbon to improve tensile strength. Iron was further implicated in the use of Chromium to enhance its beauty. But the Group IV had an untarnished reputation till now.

The English Teacher

The Sunday morning phone call was a mini-ritual in the Kulkarni household. The phone would ring. Shivaram Kulkarni, "English Master" to everyone besides family, would look up from his newspaper as his wife of 37 years would hurry to get the phone. He would watch his wife from behind the newspaper, pretending to be indifferent, secretly listening to various tidbits from their son Keerti's stay in London. The call would last a good half hour, ending with his wife reminding him to call again next week.

There must have been something different about this phone call though, because his usually cheerful wife was looking confused. The confused expression changed into apprehension, surprise and anger in quick succession. As she put the phone down, she turned towards him with a dazed expression. "Our son", she started to cry, "Our son is in love with some English girl. Why? Why?".

Kulkarni got up from his chair, leaving his sobbing wife sitting near the phone, and went into his study. Making sure that the door was closed, he opened his private cupboard - and smiled.

Unknown to everyone, even his wife of 37 years, Shivaram Kulkarni was an Anglophile.

His love of all things English had begun in school, blossomed in college, and grown into a full-time obsession by the age of 25. He was careful though, to keep it a secret - such thoughts were frowned upon in recently-independent India. His secret cupboard was a shrine to his passion - Newspaper clippings of the queen, an autographed photograph of Ian Botham, the Union Jack, all lined its spaces. It was his eternal lament that he was born in the wrong generation - His father could have served the British Raj as a clerk while his son was able to study in England.


Emily. That turned out to be the name of his future daughter-in-law. Emily, that very English of names, its very letters conjuring up a pale white Yorkshire lass. His wife, predictably, gave in to her son's wishes - the practical realities of estranging her only son didn't escape her. Kulkarni maintained a stoic demeanor, but inwardly he was brimming with joy - his son had done what he couldn't: become British.


News came that Keerti and Emily would visit them soon. Kulkarni was happy - he would finally get to meet  an Englishwoman. He imagined having cultured conversations with her, speaking about such varied topics as the weather and Wimbledon. He read books, from Forster to Forrestor, lest he came across as uncultured.


The day finally came. "Too tan", was Kulkarni's first impression of her, "but passably English". "Namaskar", she greeted him and his wife. "How was the flight"? "It could of been better - it was literally a thousand hours long", she laughed. Kulkarni grimaced - "could have" he corrected. "Did the holiday season make catching the flight more difficult?", he asked. "Nah, Heathrow is busy irregardless of season". "You mean regardless". "Yeah, same thing".


The trend continued throughout her visit. Kulkarni couldn't believe a native of England could butcher the language so badly. "Who" instead of "whom", "then"/"than", "what"/"that" - The final straw was Emily saying "LOL" at some joke Keerti made - Kulkarni had given her an earful that day.


A few days after the visit, a dejected Keerti called to say that he and Emily broke up. She couldn't bear joining a family where her father-in-law was such a grammar Nazi, she had said. Kulkarni's wife was more than happy to send marriage proposals his way - nice Kannada girls, of course.


As he sat in his chair, Kulkarni realized the irony of the whole affair - his love of English was what drove his son's one chance at Englishness away.

The Social Network Sequel to focus on PHP Programmer

David Fincher, the director of the Oscar-winning 2010 movie The Social Network, announced the sequel to the movie, tentatively titled The Social Network 2.0. At a press conference in Los Angeles, Fincher announced that unlike the first movie, which focused on the founding of Facebook by the billionaire Mark Zuckerberg, the second movie will focus on the technical architecture and PHP code which forms the backbone of the internet company. "PHP is the real hero of the story, you know. When you click the 'Like' button, it's not Mark who updates the page all over the world - it's PHP."

What if the Like button stopped working one day?

Aaron Sorkin, the writer of the screenplay, said that the exciting plot line will follow a rookie programmer in the core platform services team, fighting one of the biggest challenges of his life - the Like button stops working. "How he overcomes technical and personal problems, hostile code reviewers and failing unit test cases is a true story of the triumph of the Human Spirit. When we get to the climax, when he finally checks that fix in, not knowing whether it'll work or not ... the tension is palpable."

While most aspects of the movie are based on reality, Fincher said they had made some changes to spice it up. "No one wants to see a boring old Data Center. Instead, Facebook will be this monstrous 300 ft tall ultra mega computer. The computer would talk and respond to voice commands, it'll be so cool. Morgan Freeman has been roped in for the voice."

Fincher assured us that all source code will have subtitles

Fincher has promised that at least 250 lines of real Facebook source code will be shown on the screen. "Don't ask us where we got it", Fincher laughed. With Mark Zuckerberg officially declining to support the movie, sources suggest that a disgruntled employee might be behind the leak of source code. 'The movie will finally reveal the ugliness of the Facebook code base - the global variables, the uninitialized variables, the gratuitous hacks." Fincher declined to comment on whether the movie will be rated "R" due to multiple uses of gotos and global variables.

PES to give honorary Engineering seat to Sachin Tendulkar

People's Education Society Institute of Technology (PESIT) today announced that they were awarding a honorary engineering seat to Rajya Sabha member Sachin Tendulkar. In a press conference held in front of the college's main gate, principal J.S. Upendra stated that this was a great moment in PES history. Stating that they were fed up with rival RV College of Engineering's incessant hyping of former student Anil Kumble, PES "invested an unspecified amount to acquire a prolific cricketer as former student". Sachin Tendulkar was the ideal candidate, Upendra said, because of his recent Rajya Sabha membership. "Now that Sachin has 100 centuries, his new ambition is to get 100 seats at institutions he doesn't plan to attend." Apart from Rajya Sabha and PESIT, Sachin was in talks to obtain a seat at the Censor board.

Sachin among the list of students

Dr H.S. Boregowda, HOD of the Civil Engineering Department at PESIT said he was honored that Sachin was going to be enrolled in his department. "Even though he will never enter these hallways, his name on the attendance register will be enough to boost enrollment". He expected Civil Engineering to surpass Computer Science at the next CET counselling.

To circumvent strict VTU rules about attendance, a 3rd year student Sachin Damdekar has been chosen as the official proxy. Damdekar was chosen because of his name and short stature. "It is a great honor to put fake attendance for such a great man." Damdekar will travel around campus following Tendulkar's class schedule."

To seal the new partnership, PESIT Sports Director was in talks with Tendulkar's agent to get him to play in the annual Mysore Road Cricket Cup (MRCC) match against RVCE. He said the match would be held at the Corporation ground in Nayandalli, which would suit the Master Blaster's batting style.

Wedding Invitation generator

Bride:
Groom:
Style:	Choose Traditional Java Legal Facebook Upendra KBC

This blog post requires a HTML5 enabled browser like Internet Explorer 9, FireFox or Chrome.

EEE Story

Barnabus 'Barny' Roy's world came crashing down at precisely 9:03 AM on a warm Saturday morning.

Barny was in good spirits that morning. It was an altogether pleasant morning in Herfordshire, the late spring Sun shining lazily down the main thoroughfare, a light breeze bringing in the sweet smell of daffodils from the fields. As was his routine, Barny tipped his hat to old Mr Weatherby, kept a crown on the counter, and took a copy of The Times. At precisely 9:03 AM, he looked at the newspaper.

The headlines screamed "HMS MANDRAKE LOST AT SEA!".

Barny couldn't believe his eyes. HMS Mandrake, a ship bringing exotic goods from the Orient, had been his ticket to a comfortable retirement. Urged by his friends, Barny had invested all his life savings on that ship. Now that dream was shattered, leaving Barny penniless and on the brink of bankruptcy.

Barny was dejected as he walked back home. His wife looked up as he came into the kitchen, her eyes picking up the despondency seen clearly on his face. With faltering words punctuated with sobs, Barny told her how he had lost all their savings.

After he finished, his wife stood up, went to her cupboard, took a box out and handed it to her husband. Puzzled, Barny opened the box ... and it was full of money! "Where did you get this?", he asked, to which she replied "Every day for twenty years, I stole 1 pound from your purse, no more, no less. I knew that it would come in handy some day. Now I'm giving it back to you". Barny was stumped, but when he realized that his wife's petty theft had saved him from bankruptcy, he embraced her with joy.

Moral of the story: B B Roy Of Great Britain had a Very Good Wife.

MIT vs MIT

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.


Note: The RV-vs-PES story is similar, but without dinosaurs.

Science Fiction Story

2041 AD.

Tarek sighed as he gazed across the harsh terrain that was once California.

It was seventeen years since the end of the Great War. Seventeen years without the warmth and light of the sun had stripped the land bare of all vegetation. Even if there was light, nothing would grow in this soil polluted by the ashes of a thousand atomic bombs. Humanity was all but extinct, with a few thousand scattered around the globe. But without food, without knowledge, the end of the human race was inevitable.

Mankind's only hope was The Book.

The Book, prophecy told, contained all the knowledge of mankind. With it, mankind could start rebuilding what the War had torn apart. It would lead mankind once again to great heights of civilization.

Tarek was the leader of a small band of wanderers who had been searching for The Book. After months of hard marching, tempers were now at a tipping point in the group. Rations were also running low. Tarek knew that they had to find The Book soon.

As Tarek trudged along, he began to ask himself: How can one book contain all the knowledge of mankind? Maybe there never was such a book. Maybe they were on a wild goose chase.

"TAREK!". Ebonil's shout broke Tarek out of his revere. "Take a look at this!". Excitement bubbled in Tarek as Ebonil pointed towards a mark on the rock. "Isn't this the one mentioned in the prophecy?". Ebonil was right! It was. "There should be an entrance to a cave nearby". "There it is!".

Tarek rushed into the cave. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, a sense of destiny washed over him. In front of him lay the salvation of all mankind. He started to vaguely make out ... a pedestal, on which there was a black slab. The Book.

As he took it in his hands, Tarek realized: The Book was not a book: It was magic. At his touch, The Book began to glow, a glow not seen on Earth for seventeen years. Tarek was overcome with wonder. He began to explore the hidden magic of The Book.

Tarek studied The Book for many hours. It began to dawn on him that it held no knowledge. The prophecy was a lie. There was no wisdom in The Book, it was merely a curiosity. Disappointment washed over him as the hopes and dreams of the human race crumbled before him.

Tarek closed his eyes. He wept.

2011 AD.

Steve Jobs bans the Wikipedia app from the iPad.

What really happened.

A Linux programmer, a Windows programmer and an Apple programmer walked into a bar. They were having a heated discussion about which operating system is the best.

"Look, we'll never settle it this way", said the Apple programmer after many arguments, "I have an idea. Look at that girl over there". He pointed towards a smoking hot girl sitting alone at the bar. "Whoever impresses that girl with their Pen Computer will win the argument." They all agreed.

The Linux programmer went first: "Greetings, Female". "Hi", the girl responded. "You know, I just wrote this wicked Emacs macro in lisp to grawp mercurial and auto sync -". The girl tossed her drink at his face "Go away, you creep!". The Linux programmer went away dejectedly.

The Windows programmer was next: "Hi", he goes. "Hi", she replied. "Hey, check out this new game, you'll love it". He showed her a flash game with cute bunnies. "OMG! that's so cute". But just when she was about to give him her number: "Windows has performed an illegal operation and will shut down". "Whatever, loser". The Windows programmer also went away, head bowed in shame.

The Apple programmer kept his phone down on the table and straightened his collar. He went to the girl. "Hey baby, what do you think of this?". He shows her his MacBook Air. "Ooh! That's so cool. I wish I had one". She smiled coyly as she slipped a napkin into his hand "Call Me".

As he left the bar, he made sure that the Linux and Windows programmers saw his gloating face. He danced all the way to his home. He took out his key to unlock the door ....

That was when Gray Powell realized with horror that he had left his million-dollar iPhone prototype at the bar.

Three-by-Three : Bollywood Cliches

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.

Each row/column/diagonal depicts a cliche oft seen in Bollywood movies. Move your mouse over the row/column/diagonal captions to see the text.

Sweet heart	Judwaa	Police	Balatkar	Love Triangle
B h a i				B h a i
L o v e				L o v e
J a n a m				J a n a m
	Judwaa	Police	Balatkar

Greatest Hits: Volume II

A lot of people are visiting this blog right now (thanks to xkpj), so I'm going to shamelessly advertise my older blog posts. This is mainly to help people who don't want to crawl through all the crappy posts to find the few funny ones.

Slapstick/Parody/Silly

• How to escape an Indian wedding: A simple and practical guide for grooms.
• Ball Biting Incident a viral ad campaign for Dabur Laal Dant Manjan: So when you see Afridi smile, you'll know why.
• Guess the plot: B-grade horror movie edition: Where I look at B-grade movie posters and make up stories.
• Fair and Na'vi: In the future, grooms will ask for blue-colored brides.
• Dowry Function: If dowry is a crime, I am a C^∞-smooth criminal.
• Poem to make a mother cry : Someone asked for a poem to make a mother cry on Yahoo! Answers, and I promptly obliged. Warning: Highly Unpatriotic!

Kannada/Bengaluru

• Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation : nim huDga keTT hodre, idannu upayogisi.
• War on Basaveshwarnagar : The epic battle between Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar to control daasarahaLLi.
• Women in contemporary kannada slang : What are guys saying about girls.

Geeky

• Caste operators: Even in C++, there are class distinctions.
• Interactive Story: What will happen if the fate of the entire world rested on a programmer?

Tales with a twist: These are stories which have a surprise ending.

• Fairy Tale: In more ways than one.
• Infidelity: Marriages are made in heaven, but end in the kitchen.
• Moral Science Story: A tale of two brothers.
• Grad Side Story : A PhD can change a man's life.
• Moral Science Story 2: What if you had the power to give life?

xkpj

Disclaimer: All images were derived from xkcd. I claim no ownership or originality.

Interactive story

Scene opens with a long shot. Location: Top secret Nuclear Missile Command. People are milling around. Suddenly the door opens and a harried looking man rushes inside. He is the NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER. He is on the verge of panic.

NSA: Who's the lead programmer here? Where is he?

An intern points towards a lonely guy sitting in a cubicle on the far end. The guy JOE is fat, almost bald. He's wearing a faded t-shirt and drinking coffee from a paper cup. The NSA runs over to the cubicle.

NSA: Quick! We have no time to lose. We have to override the launch command!

JOE: Hey! calm down, man! What happened?

NSA: A janitor accidentally pressed the deploy button on our ICBM control! The missiles are pointed directly towards us! If you don't override the launch we'll all die! HURRY!


JOE is a
Choose language
Java
C++
Latex
JavaScript
ActionScript
Agile
Perl
programmer.

JOE: Sure! I'll just need to call java.wmd.NuclearMissile.cancel(). It's a piece of cake.

NSA: Great! Do it now, we don't have much time.

JOE: I'll just link to wmdctrl.jar, then write a manifest and package it into nuclear.war, then write a suitable ead.xml and package it again as stopwmd.ear. After that I just have to deploy it to the Application server and it's done.

NSA: (looking at his watch) We have two minutes left!

JOE clicks on the Eclipse icon on the desktop. The splashscreen comes up.

NSA: Dammit man!

Still loading...

NSA: (looking outside the window) I can see the missiles!

Still loading...

NSA: Aaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE: Sure! It'll be done in a second.

JOE opens up vim and types a few lines. He saves the file.

JOE: Done!

NSA: (looking relieved) Thank goodness.

JOE: I'll just compile and execute this thing and we're done.

JOE types the command to compile. The screen is filled with error messages.

__gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >& __gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >::operator=(const __gnu_cxx::__normal_iterator<int*, std::vector<int, std::allocator<int> > >&)

JOE: What the (insert beep here).

JOE feverishly pores over pages of errors. NSA is sweating profusely

JOE: Ah! found the error.

JOE recompiles, this time no errors

NSA: Just in time! I can see the missiles! Run the program NOW!

JOE runs the program .... and gets 'Segmentation Fault'.

NSA: Aaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE: Okay, I'll see what I can do.

JOE opens vim and starts typing. NSA waits impatiently while JOE keeps on writing. After a while JOE saves the document, and runs a few commands.

JOE: Look.

NSA looks at the screen. There is a beautifully formatted document on the screen.

NSA: What the (beep) is this? How will this stop the missile?

JOE: It won't. Dude, I'm a LaTeX programmer, I create documents. This is our obituary. See, it even uses sub-pixel anti-aliased fonts.

NSA: Aaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE: Right on! This is so easy with AJAX. I'll send a XmlHttpRequest to our server and it'll be done.

NSA: Great, do it now!

JOE: Okay, What color do you want the margins to be? Do you want rounded borders?

NSA: What? How does it matter? Choose any color, man, we're about to be incinerated.

JOE: Hey, don't blame me when the usability guys raise a shit storm.

NSA: Could you please get on with stopping the missile, please?

JOE: Cool bro. (types a script on the screen). Done! See, didn't I tell you not to worry.

NSA: (looks outside the window) Oh crap! I can see the missiles now, Run it NOW!

JOE clicks on the html file. It opens ... in Internet Explorer 6. A yellow mark on the status bar says 'DOM Error parsing js'.

NSA: Aaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE: Cool! I've been meaning to try out some new features in AS3.

NSA: Look, this isn't a game. All our lives are in danger. Just disable the missiles in any way.

JOE: Okay, Okay. (types up a program). That ought to do it.

NSA: (looking relieved) Great now run it.

JOE opens Flash CS3 to the run the script. A dialog pops up 'The Trial version of Flash CS3 has expired. Please purchase to continue using'.

NSA: Trial version? Why didn't you purchase the full version, you (beep)?

JOE: Our budget was cut last year. (looks furtively around) Look, I could use a err ... crack ... to run this now.

NSA: But that's unethical! That's like stealing. That'll make us .... Aaaaaah!

Long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE: I'll get right on it.

JOE furiously starts typing a program. NSA waits anxiously. After a while, JOE finishes typing.

NSA:(looking relieved)Thank goodness, you're done.

JOE: Oh no, that's not a program to stop the missile. That's a unit test to test the program which will stop the missile.

NSA is dumbstruck. JOE starts typing again.

JOE: Ah! Now the main program is done.

NSA: Hurry! Execute it now!

JOE: No way! First I have to execute the unit test to make sure the script is right.

NSA: How do you test a script which stops a nuclear missile?

JOE: Simple, I've triggered a set of smaller missiles towards us. If the script works correctly, then the unit test will stop the missiles.

NSA: Aaaaah!

Multiple small missiles pound the building. Followed by long shot of mushroom cloud.

JOE is unaffected by the NSA's urgency. He continues to sit back and sip coffee.

NSA: Did you hear what I said? If you don't disable it, the missile will kill us all!

JOE cleans his ear with his little finger. He looks a little bored and stifles a yawn. NSA by now has lost it and grabs JOE by the collar

JOE: All right, All right

JOE flexes his fingers.

NSA: (looking outside the window) I can see the missiles!

JOE types a line of odd-looking symbols. JOE presses enter, and sits back. The silence is absolute. The NSA closes his eyes anticipating the impact. Several seconds pass .... the NSA opens his eyes. The missiles have been diverted.

NSA: You saved us!You saved us all.

JOE shrugs.

Unicode variable names in Java

Total I learned that you can have Unicode characters in your class/variable names.

public class Lang
{
 public static final int प्रियानंद  = 42;
 public static final int ಪ್ರಿಯಾನನ್ದ = 33;

 public static int ನನ್ನ(int x)
 {
  return x + 1;
 }
 public static int ಹೆಸರು(int x)
 {
  return x - 1;
 }
 public static void main(String [] args)
 {
  ನನ್ನ(ಹೆಸರು(ಪ್ರಿಯಾನನ್ದ));
 }
}

Note: You might have to specify -encoding Unicode when compiling.

Introducing Fair and Na'vi

Are you dissatisfied with your pale brown skin? Have you secretly fantasized about having pointy ears and a long tail? Then look no further. Hindustan Lever Limited in association with James Cameron is pleased to announce its latest beauty product: Fair And Na'vi.

Fair and Na'vi is specially prepared from extracts of Aloe Vera and Pandorum Unobtainium to give you that sleek blue look. Its fast acting formula enriches your skin to leave it smooth and shiny. Within four weeks you will see a visible improvement in your appearance or you'll get your money back.


That's not all! If you order a 12 pack before March 31, 2010, you'll be eligible for a chance to visit Pandora itself. Hurry! Offer valid till stocks last.

You may be wondering what to do with all the Fair And Lovely cream that you already have. Why would you want to be white when you can be blue! Fortunately you can use Fair and Lovely for many other things!


Five unexpected uses for Fair and Lovely


1. Converting black money to white money.
Just rub your illegal bribes/dowries/ill gotten jewelry with Fair and Lovely and within six weeks it'll be completely legal!

2. In Chess.
You're playing white and losing? No fear! Just rub the opponent's pieces with Fair and Lovely, and presto! the piece is now yours.

3. Changing Test match to Twenty20 match.
Forced to play test cricket because you only have a red ball? Just use some Fair and Lovely, and the ball will turn white in no time.

4. Changing Rap music into Country music.
Has you son started saying words like f*** and m**********r? Rap music is to blame! But don't worry, just rub the CD with Fair and Lovely, you'll have him listening to John Mayer in no time.

5. Changing Horror movie into Romantic Drama.
Boyfriend got a horror movie to watch? Just use Fair and Lovely and the movie will turn into a sentimental romantic movie.

Credits: The na'vi-fication of Aish was done with the help of this.

My name is Rrrawwr

Thunderous applause greeted President Barack Hussien Obama as he stood up and approached the mike.  A huge crowd had gathered to hear the charismatic leader address the nation. "Good Evening, citizens of the United States of America, and welcome - aaah!".

Everyone craned their necks to see what had startled the President. There was a tiger on the stage! A real, live asian tiger in Washington DC!

Now, if  it had been a big ferocious tiger, the president's gaurds would have shot it immediately. But it was a tiny little cub! With its large, playful eyes and its tongue hanging out of its mouth, the tiger cub frolicked happily around the stage. "Awww, he's cho cute", remarked First Lady Michelle Obama, an opinion which many in the audience shared. Even the president forgot the serious talk he was supposed to give and started playing with the cub.

Staring into the president's eyes, the cub mewed in a surprisingly human way. "Did you hear that? What is he saying?", the president asked. The cub made the strange noise again. Everyone was silent. The consulate general of India spoke up, "S-Sir ...I think it's speaking Tamil, an Indian language". "Well, what is it saying?", the president asked. The consulate general translated:

"I am a Tamil Tiger and I am not a terrorist.".

Moral Science Story 2

Once upon a time in ancient India, there lived a great rishi(sage) called Shulyaka. In order to please Shiva, Shulyaka undertook a deep penance. For 27 years, the great sage never wavered from his mediation. At last, Lord Shiva appeared in front of him. "Shulyaka, your penance has pleased me. I will grant you a boon unlike any other: When you are about to die, you can choose to bring one dead soul to life. tathaastu".

Many years passed, and the sage grew old. By this time, Shulyaka's fame had grown, and many had heard of his boon. People thronged his ashrama in order to try and get their loved ones back. After much deliberation, the other sages chose two people to present their case to the sage.

The first was a young lady. "Kind sage, I had been married only for a day when my husband died of an accident. I am now a widow, a fate worse than death. Please, bring my husband back".

The second was a small boy. "Greetings to you, sir. I have no father. My mother was very sick, yet she took care of me. Yesterday she succumbed to her illness, leaving me an orphan. Show me some kindness and bring her back".

As the sage was pondering, there was a commotion outside. A man burst into the kuTeera, holding a lifeless form in his hand. He cried, "I beseech you, great sage. Please have mercy on me. My daughter was playing in the river when this rabid dog bit her". Behind him a servant entered, carrying a dead dog. "Before we could reach and kill the dog, it had bitten my daughter. She is my only loved one in this world. Please save her", he implored.

The sage thought for a moment, and then announced "It is time for me to die", and fell dead. The young woman, the boy and the father all stared at each other, trying to guess who was chosen.

Lord Shiva summoned Shulyaka's aatma to kailaasa. "Who among the three did you choose: the husband, the mother or the child?", he asked. "O Omnipotent Shiva, I didn't bring any of them to life.", he answered, "By not choosing any of them I have saved all of them. The boy needs parents, the man needs a child and the lady needs a husband. Their tragedies have brought them together. If I had chosen one of them, the others would have been unhappy". "Very well", the Lord said, "so you wasted my boon". "No sire, I used it on the most deserving being. It is in the nature of the dog to bite; it cannot distinguish good from bad, innocent from evil. The villagers killed the dog for no fault of its own. Therefore I chose to bring the dog back to life".

"You fool," the Lord said, "after you brought it to life, the dog bit the man, the lady and the boy. They all died".

Moral of the story: Dogs bite.

(Thanks to RajeshV for the dog idea. He's written a sequel)