How to escape an Indian wedding

Has this ever happened to you?: You're sitting there, shirtless, with a mangaLasutra in your hand and you suddenly get cold feet. You think of all the western men who leave their brides standing at the altar. But you can't do that because (a) the bride isn't standing (b) there is no easy path from the altar to the door.

It's clear you need a better plan.

Don't underestimate the Indian wedding ceremony: thousands of years have refined it to be almost impossible for a groom to escape. But with the right planning and technology, it can be defeated. And I will teach you how. So pay attention.

Here's a list of things you will need:

• one half sleeve shirt
  
• one pair of jeans
  
• Rs 7.50 in exact change
  
• 200 grams of Cycle brand saambraNi*
  
• two M47 submachine guns
  
• two Smith and Wesson .50 handguns
  
• thirty hand grenades
  
• one auto rickshaw
  

First, you need to make a map of the wedding hall. A typical wedding hall looks like this:



Here is what you do on the wedding day. Remember, even the smallest mistake can ruin your plan, so learn this by heart.

a) Pretend your leg is itching, reach into your panche and take out the packet of saambraaNi. Put it into the agnikunD. This will cause a lot of smoke, which will hide you taking out the guns.

b) Take one handgun in each hand. With the left gun, shoot the bride, with the other, shoot the poojari. Aim for the head. Show no mercy, they are the enemy. Drop the guns, their work is done.

c) With the machine gun, start shooting people on the dias. There is no need to be accurate. Make your way towards the stairs, but keep shooting.

d) Now you have two choices. I have illustrated both with diagrams. Choose one of them.

Plan A: Turn sharply left. With the left hand shoot at the people on the bride's side. Lob grenades to the groom's side. After you reach the midpoint, switch hands and start lobbing grenades on the bride's side. When you reach the corner, turn sharply right and run to the door. Once you reach the door, lob all the grenades and jump out of the door.


Plan B: Keep walking on the centre aisle, and keep shooting people with both hands. Once you reach the midpoint, turn around, throw the guns and start throwing grenades as you run back. Once you reach the door, lob the last grenade at the musicians.


e) Hurray! you're out. But your work is not yet done. If you get caught now, they'll make you marry the bride's sister.

f) Run towards the auto. You should have parked it facing the road. Rev it up and off you go.

g) Chord Road to Majestic is normally 30 minutes; you need to do it in 10. Avoid Anand Rao Circle, it's congested at this time. While you're driving put on the jeans and shirt.

h) Go to platform 4, catch the 86. If you can't, get into a 265. Avoid the puskpaks, you only have Rs 7.50.

i) Get down at dasarahaLLi. Congratulations, you are home! You've done it!

Note: The same plan, with a few minor modifications, will work for the bride as well. I would suggest a Flame Thrower instead of a machine gun.

* saambraaNi is the resin of the Commiphora wightii tree, which when put on hot coal, produces lots of smoke.