Saturday, April 11, 2009

Loksabha elections shifted to Zimbabwe

Taking a cue from the Indian Premier League, the election commission today announced that the venue for 2009 Lok Sabha elections would be shifted to Zimbabwe.

The decision was precipitated by the sudden increase in security following the Chidambaram shoe throwing incident. Citing huge manpower shortfalls, the police departments of most states expressed their inability to monitor every shoe at the massive rallies taken out by every party. After prolonged discussions the EC was forced to make the decision to shift the elections to another country.

Somalia, Nigeria and Congo were initially in the fray for this lucrative franchise. But eventually Zimbabwe emerged as the winner, thanks mainly to the tireless campaigning of their charismatic leader, Robert Mugabe.

Mugabe assured the EC that nobody in the impoverished African nation had shoes, so the main security concern was automatically taken care of. Mugabe said that he would ensure that 85% of the population converts to Hinduism before the election, to better reflect India's demography. But the biggest factor in Zimbabwe's favor was the cheap cost of elections: the average Bribe Per Voter(BPV) in India is Rs 534, whereas in Zimbabwe it is Zim$ 172,000,000,000,000,000,100 which equals Rs 12.

Most political parties were satisfied by the arrangements. RJD president Laalu Prasad Yaadav personally inspected the election machinery and commented that it was "better than Bihar". BJP's Varun Gandhi also concurred, but expressed concerns that the communal riots promised by Mugabe were "not bloody enough".

Some people felt that the elections were an integral part of Indian Culture and should remain in India. But EC spokesman Amar Gupta rubbished such sentiments, stating that the change only affected 2% of the population who actually bother to vote. The vast majority of Indians who sat in front of TVs and complained would not be affected, he assured us.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Greatest Hits, Volume I

All bands, even shitty one-hit-wonder ones, release "Greatest Hits" albums from time to time. I thought: why not do the same thing for my blog? Why make people search through scores of boring posts in order to get to the funny ones? So I've put together what I would consider my best/funniest/silliest posts.

1. Poem to make a mother cry : Someone asked for a poem to make a mother cry on Yahoo! Answers, and I promptly obliged. Warning: Highly Unpatriotic!
2. My Tragic Love Story : Laila-Majnu, Romeo-Juliet and now Priyananda-Anukriti. Read and cry.
3. Grad Side Story : A PhD can change a man's life.
4. Expected Dowry as a function of time : If dowry is a crime, I am a C-smooth criminal.
5. Plutonic Tales : A case of elemental racism.
6. Being a woman is against Indian culture : Extrapolating on Sri Ram Sena logic.

My reader demographic is predominantly kannada speakers(yellarigu namaskaara!), so my kannada/bengaLuru posts are generally popular. Here is a list you might like:

1. Women in contemporary kannada slang : What are guys saying about girls.
2. Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation : decent huDugarige
3. Sakku Sakku Sakku : Super song from Snehana Preetina translated to English.
4. War on Basaveshwarnagar : The epic battle between Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar to control daasarahaLLi.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Valentines Day 2009

Being a boring, asocial geek with no romantic prospects, I didn't have anyone to send V-Day cards to, so I took part in the Something Awful Valentine's Day Card Swap. Basically a bunch of people send out v-day cards to other psuedo-anonymous people for fun. Getting a card from a random person is not the same as from a loved one, but it's the heart I'm trying to fool, not the brain.

Here's what I sent:

Here's what I received:

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mathematician interviews God

Being the creator of the universe, God is usually credited for creating math as well. Despite his busy schedule as the Supreme Being, he agreed to gave an interview to Matt Adler, chief correspondent for the Mathematical Times.

Interviewer: Hi God, how are you?
God: I'm fine, thanks.
Interviewer: Thank you for taking time to give this interview. It means a lot, especially since you hate mathematicians.
God: No, no, I like mathematicians. It's computer scientists I hate.
Interviewer: That brings us nicely to the question which is on everyone's mind. Tell us, is P equal to NP?
God: I don't know.
Interviewer: What? But you're God!
God: Look, it was all a long time ago OK? When I created the universe 15 billion years ago, I had to make a whole lot of decisions. Deciding whether pi should be rational or not took so much time that I just rushed through the other decisions.
Interviewer: So you don't remember?
God: No. I'm waiting just like you for someone to answer that question.
Interviewer: OK .... What about the Reimann Hypothesis?
God: That's just rubbish. Any fool can see that it's blatantly false. Even Reimann knew that.
Interviewer: Then why did he make the conjecture?
God: It was his idea of a joke. I sent him to Hell for that prank.
Interviewer: Do mathematicians usually go to Heaven or Hell?
God: Depends. Discrete mathematicians usually go to Hell.
Interviewer: Why? Is discrete math inherently evil?
God: No, they just have a better discrete math program. Satan is quite keen on it.
Interviewer: What problem do you think mathematicians should work on? Hodge conjecture? Navier Stokes?
God: Those problems are just crap. Don't waste time on those. The only thing worth proving is the Polokski-Meron conjecture.
Interviewer: What? I've never heard of that.
God: Oh, Sorry! That won't be discovered till 2038.
Interviewer: What should people work on till 2038?
God: Take a break from math. Do something else, watch TV, whatever.
Interviewer: Young kids today are losing interest in Mathematics. How can we change this?
God: There should be more sex and violence in math.
Interviewer: Errr...
God: Kids think math is dry, it should be made more exciting. Make a game of it. People who make a false conjecture should be killed gruesomely. And if someone makes a true conjecture and proves it, he should get 10 supermodels as sex slaves.
Interviewer: Thank you for answering our questions, God.
God: My pleasure.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Being a woman is against Indian culture

Pramod Muthalik, leader of the hindu right-wing organization Sri Ram Sena, declared that being a woman is against Indian culture.

Speaking at a crowded public meeting in New Delhi, Muthalik justified his opposition towards women. "We should all try to be Ram. Was Ram a woman? Can a woman ever be Ram?". He urged all the women to renounce their womanly ways and become a man instead.

Misogynists worldwide celebrated this landmark speech from their role model. "Until now, I used to treat my wife with love and care", opined Prakash Kumar, BPO employee, "but Pramodji has opened my eyes. From now on, I will beat my wife everyday".

While Muthalik's speech is seen by many as significant and novel, rural Indians are not impressed. "We'be been beating and burning our women since centuries", says Bhairo Singh, "so what's new?".

Muthalik blamed women for the current global economic turmoil. "Behind every failed economy, there are many women". He said that the only way to solve these problems is by opressing women. " 'Women in Kitchen, making Butter Chicken' is our motto.", he said, "Of course, we at Sri Ram Sena are pure vegetarians, we chose Chicken just because it rhymes with Kitchen."

Feminists worldwide are tired of being outraged at Sri Ram Sena. "You know, right now I am too exhausted to even hate them", complained Arundhati Rai. Rai has been making lace panties on her sewing machine all day long, after Victoria's Secret couldn't meet the demands of the Pink Chaddi campaign. Ironically, Muthalik would have approved of her work-all-day-at-home-sewing-clothes attitude.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

War on Basaveshwarnagar

Reuters Feb 1, 2009

In his first major foreign policy decision after taking oath, US President Barack Obama has declared War on Basaveshwarnagar, an area in the Indian city of Bengaluru.

Speaking at a Special Execute Meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, President Obama vowed to bring peace to the people of Basaveshwarnagar. "We will liberate you from tyranny and oppression, and bring democracy to everyone", the Premier announced.

Seven F-22s left the Pacific Island Air Base early this morning. While Air Force spokesmen declined to comment on the planned strategy, an unnamed source told us that an intense two day carpet bombing was on the cards. President Obama has not ruled out pre-emptive nuclear strikes.



Latest reports confirm that Havnur Circle has been neutralized and Marines have taken control. There are still reports of major gunfire near Modi Hospital.






President Obama's offensive comes at a crucial time for West Bengaluru, which has been politically unstable for the past few years. Rajajinagar and Basaveshwarnagar had been fighting a bitter guerrilla war for possession of dasarahaLLi, a highly coveted location with immense strategic importance. While Vijayanagar remains neutral, recent attacks by Basaveshwarnagar forces on Indraprasta hotel have raised tensions considerably.

Kempaiyya, who sells cucumbers in front of Prasanna theatre on Magadi road, hopes that Basaveshwarnagar is defeated. He has bitter memories of Basaveshwarnagar, where he was once harassed by local Police for selling cucumbers.

For many people living in Basaveshwarnagar, the US attack couldn't have come at a worse time. "Why are you people targetting us? The crimes of Rajajinagar are much worse.", said Ashok who's magazine stand in Shankar Mutt was destroyed by a missile strike.

Some analysts have criticized Obama's decision to ally with Rajajinagar against Basaveshwarnagar. Mark Allen, political analyst, said "It's all about the oil. Rajajinagar has more petrol bunks than Basaveshwarnagar". President Obama however rebuffed such criticisms. "We chose to ally with R'nagar because they have better theatres: Prasanna, Pramod, Navrang ... and what does B'nagar have? One lousy pushpanjali which shows only B-grade filth. It's a mark of culture".

Update: Here's what happened next.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Grad Side Story

Acula was nervous. Dressed in black robes with a ridiculous hat on his head, he was fourth in the long line of graduates at the convocation. This was a moment he had been waiting for all his adult life - the culmination of his dreams.

"Aaronson", the Dean's voice boomed on the PA system.

Acula glanced towards the audience, his eyes seeking out his beloved. Nalini was chatting with his dad, but she caught his eye and smiled. Kind, patient Nalini - never complaining, never judging.

"Abigail", called out the Dean in his deep barritone voice.

Acula glanced behind. Nitin was too busy chatting with Martha to notice him. Nitin, his best friend for a little more than 4 years.

"Abrokovitz".

Acula tried not to think of how sweaty his palms were. As he made his way closer to the podium, he tried to practise his acceptance speech for the last -

"Acula". His time had come.

The Dean was smiling as he handed out the rolled sheet of paper. "The University of Maine herebly grants you the degree of Doctor of Philosophy ...".

Acula didn't wait for the Dean to finish. In an instant, he jumped on top of the dean, pushing him to the ground. Aiming for his neck, he ripped the dean's throat out and began to drink the warm blood as it gushed out.

Acula had become Dr Acula.

Edit: Yes, I stole the idea from Scrubs. Here's the clip:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

My mom is better than your mom

I know it's a little late to be making Sarah Palin Jokes ...


"Screw you, boy .. My momma's gonna be the wize-presideynt and kick yo momma's ass."

I guess the boy had the last laugh though.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

No space for F(7) = 21


This proves three things:
  • I'm a big math/CS nerd.
  • I'm addicted to Coke Zero.
  • I'm jobless.

Friday, December 12, 2008

caste operators

Q: What are the caste operators in C++? With examples, explain the different caste operators. (10 marks) [VTU CS321 May 2009]

A: The caste operators are used to change the caste of a person.The four different caste operators in C++ are explained below.

a) static_caste
static_caste operator is used to change the caste of a person for a long period of time. Note that the effects of this operator are permanent.
Eg: Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer comes from an ultra-orthodox brahmin family from T-nagar, Chennai. After writing IIT exam three times and not getting through, RKI bribes the Tahsildar to produce a caste certificate pronouncing him a scheduled caste person. He then goes to IIT, then IIM and finally becomes a Big Shot. Later when he finds that he is no longer allowed into Guruvayur temple, he drowns his sorrow in Beluga Caviar and Dom Perignon.

b) dynamic_caste
dynamic_caste operator changes the caste of a person for a short period. While the benefit of using this is less than that of static_caste, there are no long term effects.
Eg: Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer has an unholy liking for mutton biriyani, but his amma carefully audits his spending. He buys a cap, goes to some arbit muslim wedding, says random phrases like "khuda haafiz", "wah wah" and "mubaarak" to everyone, and gorges on mutton and chicken. He then goes to Guruvayur temple for dessert (their prasadam is delicious).

c) reinterpret_caste
reinterpret_caste doesn't change the caste, but changes the way the rules of the caste are implemented.
Eg: When confronted with a bucketful of chicken, Ramaswamy Krishnamachari Iyyer recites from Skandapurana 11:38 "Thou shalt eat meat and all shall be happy". While his mother and granny debate whether Skandapurana comes above Ishopanishad, Rama gorges on the chicken.

d) const_caste
const_caste is used to remove the orthodoxy from the caste.
Eg: Centuries ago, konkani brahmins used to be as orthodox as Tamil ones, but over time succumbed to the temptation of fried fish and fenni. A konkani brahmin youth of today can be identified by the joint in his right band, a beer bottle in his left hand and a slutty girl on his lap.

Wishes

This is how a geek does it.
Many happy returns of the day
Dedic to some fellow in Yankmenistan.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Plutonium made dwarf element

Rueters, November 13, 2008.

Two years after the controversial decision to demote Pluto to dwarf planet status, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry today ruled that the chemical element Plutonium has been re designated as a 'dwarf element'.

Scientists around the world expressed their approval for this bold and innovative move. "Pluto is a bad influence on our kids", said Dr Ying Hu, Professor of Chemistry at Yandall University, "we should banish it from all science."

A small but vocal minority of scientists questioned the decision. "It is blatant political pandering", said John Jacques, member of the American Plutonium Fans Association, "What has Plutonium ever done to anyone?". He blamed the Democratic party for this. "I'm sorry, but Obama just doesn't know Chemistry."

Spokeman for the Vatican, Bishop Francis Agnossi told the press that the Vatican supported this demotion. "God made only 92 elements. All others are works of the Devil."

The position of 94th element is now open. In an unprecedented move, IUPAC has put the slot up for sale on Ebay. "We want to engage the community on this matter", Wolfe said, "We are selling this hot piece in the Periodic real estate to the highest bidder". She hastened to add that Science still comes first. "We require all bids to have atleast 225 neutrons. We also need the name to begin with Pu to avoid reprinting all those books".

At time of writing, PopUnderium was the highest bidder on e-bay. If it wins, it will be the first element to be named after an annoying internet technology. Pussium, Puliyogrium and Putridium were trailing close behind.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Ondu Benchina Kathe

It was dark when I came home that evening. Having missed the 248, I had walked all the way from the Deepanjalinagara stop. Tired to the bone, all I wanted to do was crash in bed.

"Who is this Anukriti?"

My mother's voice jolted me out of my lethargy. How did she ... the letter! The goddamn letter which I had carelessly left in plain sight.

"How long has this been going on?" she asked with quiet fury.

"Three months", I blabber.

"Which bench does she sit in?"

"S-She's from a good konkani brahmin family, amma. Only daughter of wealthy parents. Her father owns..."

"Which. bench. does. she. sit. in?", her anger was palpable now.

"L-L-Last B-Bench", I stammered.

Crack! The sound of the slap resonated with the sound of my heart breaking.

That was the end. I never saw Anukriti again. The next day I was forced to join another college, a much inferior college, but one which had a single row of desks in each class. There would be no more last benches in my life.

Disclaimer: All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblence to Anukriti Pai, c/o Niranjan Pai, 121/38 5th cross 8th main Malleshwaram 560003 is a statistically improbable coincidence.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada Translation

To celebrate Kannada being given "classical language" status, Google Labs and the Govt. of Karnataka announced a new feature today in Google Translator: Poli Kannada to Classic Kannada translator. The Govt. of Karnataka spokesman Dr MS Timme Gowda, explained the reason behind this new feature: "We are worried about language of today's youth. These peoples like kashinath, jaggesh and upendra they have spoiled kannada with bad words. Now that kannada is classic, we should educate them about good language".

We took a look at this new feature and tested it to see how it works.



Here are some phrases we tried and their translation

original: ninajji
translation: nimma tandeya taayi athava nimma taayiya taayi

original: nin henDran
translation: tamma dharmapatniya

original: indina koosu, naaLina piece-u
translation: vartamaanada baalike, bhavishyada mahanagara paalike

original: nin mootige girlfriend bere keDu
translation: nimma mukhakke sthree-sangaati yelli siguvaLu

original: maga, nan dove nange kiss koTlo!
translation: putraa, nanna priyatame nannannu chumbisidaLu!

original: oLage seridare gunDu, huDugi aaguvaLu ganDu
translation: madhyapaana sevaneyinda streelingavu pullingavaaguvudu.

original: kenchalo, machchalo yellavraa nin dove-gaLu
translation: shreemaan kencha, mitra, neevu preetisuttiruva sundariyaru yelliruvaru?

original: sisya, mysur mallige noDidiya? full hot ante!
translation: shishya, mysooru nagarada mallige hoovannu noDiruveya? adu bahaLa bisiyaagiruttade!

original: MTV subbalakshmige bari oLu bari oLu
translation: shreemati subbalakshmiyavara abhipraayadalli MTV asatyagaLinda tumbide.

original: by-two kaapi koDamma, full strong-aagirli.
translation: taayi, ardha loTa kaapiyannu neeDi, bahaLa shaktiyuta aagirali.

original: aa song-nalli, ravichandran priyanka full touching touching
translation: aa haaDinalli, shreeman ravichandran ravaru shreemati priyankaaravarannu sparshisidaru.

original: dum idre daasraLLige baaro! ond kai noDkoteeni.
translation: dhairyaviddalli daasara haLLige banni. Nimmannu ondu hastadinda noDi koLLuttene.

original: Dum Dum Dagaar Dagaar
translation: Translation Failed!

When asked about when this feature will be available to the public, Google Labs spokesman said that their team plan to test this using the dialogues from "tarle nan maga", and would make the feature available as soon as the testing is completed.

Update: Google Labs announced just now that the project has been cancelled. Apparently they couldn't finish their testing since their servers kept crashing.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A geek can't live without ...

Think meta.



Thursday, September 18, 2008

dowry function

Now for some matrimonial math...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Death Hallows cover designs

These are a few covers I designed in early 2007 for Deathly Hallows, in response to a contest at mugglenet. Since I've been feeling a little morbid lately, I'll put them up here, so that in case of my untimely death, these would not be lost.



Sunday, September 14, 2008

deprecation and depression

I'd seen a lot of deprecated methods, but never a self-deprecating one!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Yella OK, idella yaake?



With due apologies to the original source of this image.

Monday, September 01, 2008

for the love of lol