Friday, July 11, 2008

Spam-o-rama

They say you can tell a lot about a man from the contents of his spam folder. (Who the fuck are 'they'? How do 'they' know everything? I've never heard this one, you just made that up, shithead. I'll ... I apologize for this schizophrenic outburst. I've taken the meds, and we're OK now ).

Anyway, I decided to find out what kind of a man I am(You're a loser). So instead of deleting the spam folder as part of my morning routine, I let it grow. For two days and three nights, the contents of my spam folder grew and grew and grew, until the Google sent me a warning about '100% of 6122 MB full: do you want to upgrade?'. Let's see what I had inside.

Like everybody else, I had the usual mix of Nigerian money scams, V1agRa ads, ads to increase the length of certain ... err ... appendages etc etc, so I'm listing only the interesting ones.

#1: No rain in Iraq
Like every American, (fucker, you're an Indian) I watch the news regularly about what's happening in Iraq. Like every American, I don't give a shit what happens to the damn Iraqis.(Yeah, we watch it for entertainment) What's the point of this spam anyway?: Buy this T shirt and the drought will stop? Were these T shirts made in sweatshops of Iraq and that's why they have a water shortage?

#2: PhDD
As a grad student planning to spend 5 years and two hundred thousand dollars in a small, bitterly cold, midwestern city in the vague hope of getting a 'Dr' in front of my name, this spam pisses me off. I mean, they can't even spell 'Masters'! And what's PhDD? Doctor of Dubious Philosophy? The only way this spam could have been real was if it had come from Bihar. But that's impossible since noone in Bihar knows how to use a computer.(Look what you've done. You've pissed off lots of people now.)

#3 WW3
CNN must have forgotten to report this. Yeah, that can happen, it's only World War III not like Superbowl or something.

#4 KQA
Now why in tarnation would Google classify a mail from Arul Mani as spam? (Coz you pressed 'This is spam'.) Has KQA started selling V1agrA in order to pay for prizes? (Did you listen to what I said? It's not spam). Is Google pissed off that their team got 0 points in the last KQA Corporate quiz? (Aaaaah!)

#5 Marketing disguised as spam
Come on, Microsoft! You can do better than that. I know Vista didn't sell very well and all that, but stooping so low? Gee, I know Vista's supposed to be full advanced and all, but claiming that it can cure diseases? 'both male and female'? What next, solving world poverty in SP1?(Ha Ha).

3 comments:

The Quark said...

I am rolling so badly that people are calling me roly poly.

Honestly, SPAM rocks.

Python rocks.

Anonymous said...

you are trying to be very funny but you are not...

The God Of Tall Things said...

@anon:

I am heartbroken :( . I will die now.